Victim or Survivor
Victim or Survivor: There will eventually be a time where we must each decide if we are a victim or we are a survivor. I think it best to be a survivor, even if we have once been a victim and that going around retelling our story of victimization is likely not in our best interest. There are legitimate victims, both adults and children who have been abused and hurt both emotionally and physically. This is not about questioning if one has been a victim or not but rather a conversation around victim versus survivor and whether we want to maintain a life in a place of victim.
Let's begin by addressing the idea of being a victim. What is that like? When we are in the position of victim we are powerless and unhappy. Although there will be times when others will feel badly for us and even empathize with us, in the long run being in victim mode will only hold us back, keeping us inside that restrictive dome. Victim status comes with stagnant states of being and immobility, sometimes paralyzing us completely. This does not have much to do with whether we have been a victim or not, although some of us have had some truly horrible things happen to us. Victim in this case is a state of mind, a way of living and a position that we take in life after we experience difficult periods in our lives. The tendency for those of us who have been victimized whether we were beaten up or mentally abused is to remain in that victimization, living our entire lives effected in some way by what happened to us and being unwilling to let go of it. It keeps us prisoner of the past and takes away a good portion of our serenity and joy. It does not help that the media and books seem to focus on the villain and a victim. It is what we have become familiar with and what may feel familiar to us. That shoe seems to fit and as we walk in it we find situations that validate our solid belief that we are victims, even interpreting what others say and do as a personal attack. We are unhappy because every time something happens to us we find a way to make it fit what we believe, that we are a helpless victim.
I remember once talking to an acquaintance about life and all those "crazy things that happen" to people. In what seemed like an odd moment she mentioned to me that life is too short to hold grudges and went on to share that her older brother molested her for a number of years but that she loved him and that she simply left it in the past. Most of us would question and I was not an exception. I felt compelled to ask her how in God's name she could forgive a person and of all things love a person who molested her. I was floored by the seemingly casual manner in which she brought it up after talking about generalities like her family, siblings, friends, love and the planet. She looked at me and assured me that she just let it go and that the way she looked at it was that he already suffered and had been remorseful for what he had done and that now they were finished with it. It was not so much the words she was saying but more about how she looked me in the face with such sincerity and clarity when she said them. At that moment I just believed her with all my heart and there did not seem to be any question about it. I cannot say exactly what her process was like and how she went from victim to survivor but this was a woman who clearly knew that staying a victim would impede her life in a way that she decided was not what she wanted for herself, never mind what happened. I cannot even say that she minimized it, simply that she decided not to maximize it and let her run her life. To this day I could not be sure that I myself could have that experience and have the courage or compassion to love the person who victimized me.
Going from victim to survivor requires us to make that decision to let go, forgive, move on and take our power and our life back. Survivor status is about not allowing the past to define us as a victim or a lost person but rather taking that experience and turning it into validation, because if we are still breathing even after being a victim we are in fact a survivor. A survivor looks at the past as the past and a he or she does not allow that past to control them. A survivor is a person who says NO to staying stuck in the unfortunate experiences that is often times just living and part of life. A survivor knows that in spite of what has happened he or she made it to the other side and that means that there is more life to live and more experiences to be had. A survivor takes another chance, let's go of the fear and know that it took courage and strength to get past it and still love others. Although it is a challenge to go from victim to survivor, the converse of that is painful and so not so beneficial.
So how do we go from victim to survivor? One is by knowing that we are a survivor already because we are still walking, talking, laughing and at times we are even dancing. If we are still taking deep breaths and our heart is beating, we are survivors. Telling ourselves, "I am not a victim, I am a survivor!" will trick our mind into believing it. You are what you say just like you are what you eat. Tell yourself that you are a survivor and keep coming up with the reasons why. Eventually you will convince yourself that in fact this is true. Whether you were abused as a child, beat up and robbed, your home burned down or your sibling died if you got to the next place in your life you are a survivor. This may sound a little strange but giving yourself a survivor warrior may help you to see yourself as a survivor. Give yourself a name that by definition is powerful and strong. Whenever you begin to see yourself as a victim think about all of the blessings you have in life and begin a mental list of each one of theme. When victim mode wants to take over say something like this: "I am a survivor because I am not going to let sexual abuse hold me hostage". Name what it is that happened to you and make an empowering statement. Remember that when you are a victim you are allowing situations and people to have power over you rather than to be empowered.
It will take time to become a survivor warrior and I won't kid you into thinking that it's easy, but it is possible. For some of us that work needs to happen every day of our lives. Sometimes it will just be a thought that will shift us and lifts us up and out. Other times we will need to sit still or pray. There will be times when you may need to feel the feelings that bring you back to victim state, allow the body to register it and then take yourself to a movie. It will take whatever it takes to get to the other side of the dark and into a more light filled place. Each of us can discover ways to bring us out of the victim and into the survivor warrior. It is as easy as trying various things and primarily taking the time to talk yourself through it rather than to talk someone's head off every time about how much of a victim you are.
You are a survivor by the mere fact that you are still alive (TAKE A DEEP BREATH) but more importantly because being a victim is not fun.
In Light,
Coach Elliott
Let's begin by addressing the idea of being a victim. What is that like? When we are in the position of victim we are powerless and unhappy. Although there will be times when others will feel badly for us and even empathize with us, in the long run being in victim mode will only hold us back, keeping us inside that restrictive dome. Victim status comes with stagnant states of being and immobility, sometimes paralyzing us completely. This does not have much to do with whether we have been a victim or not, although some of us have had some truly horrible things happen to us. Victim in this case is a state of mind, a way of living and a position that we take in life after we experience difficult periods in our lives. The tendency for those of us who have been victimized whether we were beaten up or mentally abused is to remain in that victimization, living our entire lives effected in some way by what happened to us and being unwilling to let go of it. It keeps us prisoner of the past and takes away a good portion of our serenity and joy. It does not help that the media and books seem to focus on the villain and a victim. It is what we have become familiar with and what may feel familiar to us. That shoe seems to fit and as we walk in it we find situations that validate our solid belief that we are victims, even interpreting what others say and do as a personal attack. We are unhappy because every time something happens to us we find a way to make it fit what we believe, that we are a helpless victim.
I remember once talking to an acquaintance about life and all those "crazy things that happen" to people. In what seemed like an odd moment she mentioned to me that life is too short to hold grudges and went on to share that her older brother molested her for a number of years but that she loved him and that she simply left it in the past. Most of us would question and I was not an exception. I felt compelled to ask her how in God's name she could forgive a person and of all things love a person who molested her. I was floored by the seemingly casual manner in which she brought it up after talking about generalities like her family, siblings, friends, love and the planet. She looked at me and assured me that she just let it go and that the way she looked at it was that he already suffered and had been remorseful for what he had done and that now they were finished with it. It was not so much the words she was saying but more about how she looked me in the face with such sincerity and clarity when she said them. At that moment I just believed her with all my heart and there did not seem to be any question about it. I cannot say exactly what her process was like and how she went from victim to survivor but this was a woman who clearly knew that staying a victim would impede her life in a way that she decided was not what she wanted for herself, never mind what happened. I cannot even say that she minimized it, simply that she decided not to maximize it and let her run her life. To this day I could not be sure that I myself could have that experience and have the courage or compassion to love the person who victimized me.
Going from victim to survivor requires us to make that decision to let go, forgive, move on and take our power and our life back. Survivor status is about not allowing the past to define us as a victim or a lost person but rather taking that experience and turning it into validation, because if we are still breathing even after being a victim we are in fact a survivor. A survivor looks at the past as the past and a he or she does not allow that past to control them. A survivor is a person who says NO to staying stuck in the unfortunate experiences that is often times just living and part of life. A survivor knows that in spite of what has happened he or she made it to the other side and that means that there is more life to live and more experiences to be had. A survivor takes another chance, let's go of the fear and know that it took courage and strength to get past it and still love others. Although it is a challenge to go from victim to survivor, the converse of that is painful and so not so beneficial.
So how do we go from victim to survivor? One is by knowing that we are a survivor already because we are still walking, talking, laughing and at times we are even dancing. If we are still taking deep breaths and our heart is beating, we are survivors. Telling ourselves, "I am not a victim, I am a survivor!" will trick our mind into believing it. You are what you say just like you are what you eat. Tell yourself that you are a survivor and keep coming up with the reasons why. Eventually you will convince yourself that in fact this is true. Whether you were abused as a child, beat up and robbed, your home burned down or your sibling died if you got to the next place in your life you are a survivor. This may sound a little strange but giving yourself a survivor warrior may help you to see yourself as a survivor. Give yourself a name that by definition is powerful and strong. Whenever you begin to see yourself as a victim think about all of the blessings you have in life and begin a mental list of each one of theme. When victim mode wants to take over say something like this: "I am a survivor because I am not going to let sexual abuse hold me hostage". Name what it is that happened to you and make an empowering statement. Remember that when you are a victim you are allowing situations and people to have power over you rather than to be empowered.
It will take time to become a survivor warrior and I won't kid you into thinking that it's easy, but it is possible. For some of us that work needs to happen every day of our lives. Sometimes it will just be a thought that will shift us and lifts us up and out. Other times we will need to sit still or pray. There will be times when you may need to feel the feelings that bring you back to victim state, allow the body to register it and then take yourself to a movie. It will take whatever it takes to get to the other side of the dark and into a more light filled place. Each of us can discover ways to bring us out of the victim and into the survivor warrior. It is as easy as trying various things and primarily taking the time to talk yourself through it rather than to talk someone's head off every time about how much of a victim you are.
You are a survivor by the mere fact that you are still alive (TAKE A DEEP BREATH) but more importantly because being a victim is not fun.
In Light,
Coach Elliott
Out of all your writings, this one touched me the most. I have a daughter who was abused and it's been a tough road for her. But, being a victim isn't just about a sexual or physical abuse, I think that a high percentage of the population is a victim many times over in love relationships. Something as simple as a 'rejection' by another sometimes plants the seed to feeling like a victim and than it seems like the cycle begins to feeling powerless in other relationships. Until you take that power back, if you ever do. I had a very sad time in my life in a relationship and I can identify with this feeling and wonder if I now carry it other relationships. Hmm, this subject is making me very sad.
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