Coach Elliott

I absolutely had this great conversation with a friend today about people who disclose nothing and want to know every fucking detail of someone else's life.  Some of us have been in relationships with people like this.  The ones that ask twenty questions and are not willing to answer any of them.  I call it unveiling others and saying nothing.  These are the guys that want to know how many men you fucked and are not willing to tell you how many women they abused.  These are the men who talk about everyone else and their issues focusing on the sad state of others rather than to fix their own wagon and their own life issues. There are spectators and then there are participants.  The participants admit to their flaws while the spectators are finding flaws in others.  There are givers and then there are takers and the takers are the very same ones who do not disclose their own stuff.  They are the ones who appear to be perfect and happy all the time.  In fact they work hard at hidi

We think that a bully is a bully if he hits us.  We think that to qualify being a bully we have to beat someone up.  We believe that a bully looks like a guy with the black at and the dark horse.  We have an image of a bully that is scary and that looks nothing like the man in the Gap ad.  We think a bully looks like OJ Simpson or Manson who ordered the murder of Sharon Tate and the baby inside of her. We see bullies in a way that has to look strange and off center.  He has to be dark skinned like me or he has to have long dirty hair like Manson.  She has to be a woman who killed her husband even if her husband insulted her day and night for five years, calling her a whore and other such ugly names. I remember the fist time hearing that the MO of a serial killer was white and in his thirties.  I remember because up to then I had been convinced that the bad guys were either Black or Latino like me.  The only people who killed others seemed to be dark and I was convinced of it because

"You Intended To Harm Me But God Intended It All For Good. " The other day I was told by a friend that her former partner whom she is divorcing came by and has a habit of coming at any time he pleases.  She had allowed it because she felt intimidated by him and he had bullied her for over ten years.  The relationship had no boundaries even though she tried to establish them.  He would have none of it, parading himself after the separation in her home when he wanted at early hours of the morning.  She would be in bed and when she would get up he was either there or his negative energy was left behind.  This last time she had enough after asking that he not come to the house on that Friday but rather wait until Monday or another day of the week after she received her pension check.  His typical bully response was that he was coming and that he was in fact coming with a woman friend named Michelle.  Apparently he wanted to parade this woman in front of her all the while knowin

Today I dedicate my blog to Friday and a visit from a person I have to see but dread even looking at.  It is a day that I dread because of the energy he or she brings into my home.  I keep wishing I could cut the cord that binds us technically but I cannot do that yet.  I wish I could feel differently from before but nothing in my feelings seems to change.  The resentment and the anger is still present and it is hard to be cordial to someone who has harmed me in so many ways.  The part that makes it more difficult is that I endured it and allowed myself to be crossed over and over again.  Only my faith in God makes these visits bearable. Today is Wednesday and I have two nights to prepare myself.  I can choose not to be in the home when this person arrives.  I can purposely leave the home and may opt to do so to protect my spirit and to eliminate having to feel that negative energy.  I will allow my Source to answer my question and to guide me to do as He or She would think best for

Healing is never easy but we can get in our own way and make it much more difficult, painful and slow.  Healing from a bad relationship or from a death for example are two very difficult tests in life. How we heal from our pain and from our anguish depends on how we do it and if we are prepared for it.  Here are some tips: One: Don't force it.  Give yourself time to address it even if that means sleeping until noon or no taking your pajamas off for five days.  Even if you stay inside your home for a few days and don't respond to the phone or emails.  The first thing to do is allow yourself some time to get there to that place where you are ready to heal.  We are human and we are all apt to need time to address what has happened.  When my sister died I stayed in for two weeks and wept every day for at least an hour.  I would get up weeping in the middle of the night.  I was not ready to heal and only ready to let my toxic feelings out.  So that was all I did.  I was not ready

Relationships are tough never mind ending them or being on the receiving end of someone ending it with us.  The pain and anguish attached to ending a relationship is sometimes so hard to envision that we don't end it and we stay in the most unhealthy and selfish relationships that not just lack love, they lack any recognition of what love is suppose to be.  We have a horrific time attempting to end it and like one of my friends, she waited and waited and is still waiting hoping her partner leaves her instead, claiming she can't do it.  It seems it is more about her fear of ending it than any other factor.  Frankly from the way she has been treated by her partner she should have ended a long long time ago. Getting out and getting over it is a journey that begins with emotional abuse and at times ends with physical abuse.  At the very least there are years of emotional absence that feels like abandonment and that makes it obvious that the person you are with is not present.  Ther

Today was one of those wonderful blessed days.  It was one of those days that flowed.  I sense that thee main reason for the flow was that I did not think about it too much if at all.  I allowed myself to get up when I felt like it and started my day with a sense of quiet and ease.  I believe more than ever that letting life flow on it's own is mostly a good thing.  Not planning anything specific and doing things that are responsible only if it is urgent.   I usually do one responsible thing that I don't want to do but needs to be addressed like making a doctor's appointment, calling the garbage company or addressing the cable network.  Just one thing a day.  The rest of the day I have some ideas but nothing is "written in stone".  Nothing has to be done by any certain time.  For example today I called the Pension Board and asked about the W2 forms and was told they would be sent at the end of the month.  That was enough for me for today.  The rest of the day I we

My daughter sent me a saying on a poster that I hung up.  It simply says: " You intended to hurt me but god intended it all for good".  What it brought up for me was this inability for people not to forgive our mistakes but rather to intend harm towards us.  Oddly enough the ones who will remain nameless will soon uncover that their desire to hurt me has turned on them.  There is no sin we don't pay for here on earth. My intention is not just to survive but to live a life that is so full of joy that it will kill off the evil  spirited people that have tried to claim my personal space and judge me for every little thing I may have said or done.  It amuses me that people cannot take one little remark or criticism of their character but they are so judgemental and cruel to others.  Even people who are in a wheelchair or have a disability are not missed.  I know because there have been those times for me and today I have flourished like a rose and opened up like a butterfly

There is certainly nothing wrong with being asexual even if that prominent sex therapist man does not agree.  He seems to think there is no such a horse of that color.  I totally disagree with him knowing fully that sex is not just physicality but rather takes every fiber of who we are to participate in whatever way we see best even if it is not to be sexual in a way that others think it real.  Sex can and is a part of life and yet it is not all of our life.  Once the sex wears off a bit some of us forget that there is more to love than sex three days a week.  We are all geared in some positive or negative manner around sex and sexuality.  Although I don't consider myself smart: I have three degrees, one is Spiritual Psychology, I have a lot of common sense.  Three degrees later I believe love is love and sex is sex and that they don't have to be the same thing or intertwine, unless we want them to.  Some of us went to Catholic church where sex was presented as a way to have ba

This weekend is a busy one for me tonight and tomorrow as well.  I will prepare myself to attend a party at an art gallery of a friend's for her birthday and her good friend's birthday that they are celebrating at the gallery.  It should be fun and I am looking forward to it.  Then tomorrow I will attend church service with my daughter and a friend, have brunch with them and then dinner for my brother's birthday at a Cuban joint on Fullerton Avenue in the city close to the area I lived in.  I like going to parties and at the same time I don't miss the city living.  My peaceful and quiet environment is priceless to me and I value it more than anything.  Still this evening and tomorrow will be even more of an adventure for me now that I am living in Pingree Grove. Each morning I wake up to the small  lake feature behind my home that I can see clearly from the windows and the sliding doors and the kitchen window.  The geese are still speaking and still flying in groups a

Today I saw the sun beaming into my two-story family room.  It was as if God had come in and touched my face.  I had received the news just Wednesday from my sister about how gloomy it was in her world.  I wished she'd come by and stayed with me as she usually does on Wednesdays to Thursdays each week, but this time she'd opted out.  I shared how sunny it was here in the "Hampton" house and how did she not wish she were here in my sunny house.  In here home all the windows are sealed with plastic and covered with fabrics and the like which of course makes it dark in her home.  This morning reminded me of how my home is always sunny inside despite the weather outside, even if it is not very sunny outdoors.  I yearn to feel this feeling of sunshine in my heart and spirit every day and like many of us that is not always how I feel when I fail to remember my prosperity.  The prosperity inside my soul.  That is the one that matters. When I am in a shitty mood I know that

We hear a lot about enjoying our life with someone and when we are in a relationship but rarely do we hear about how to have a good time alone.  Living alone and enjoying this experience takes some doing and intention is the key.  We must know that being alone is not a bad thing but rather a beautiful and glorious opportunity to live our life fully and without reservations.  No one is there to tell us what to do, what to think or what is next.  We get to fly on our own at the height we would like to fly and for as long as we want.  We can look at being alone as loneliness and we can view it as a terrible and confusing time in our life or we could liken it to a gift, because it is.  Being alone is our chance to find out  all of the things that make us happy and how we would like to live our daily life.  We can sit around day after day doing nothing or we could fill our days with joy and activities.  We can live a full life alone knowing that we are never really alone.  We have friends,

Gambling is another one of those addictions that have found a place inside the social circle and there are even places where you can go where there is one gambling casino after another and rows of exciting light shows. Any person who dreams of winning a lot of money is the same  person who is chasing after a dream they feel they cannot have until they win a lot of money.  In fact they have put their life goals on hold until they pull that slot and the money pours out of a slot machine.  The even softer approach to gambling is playing the lottery.  We buy tickets from a machine or person in hopes of hitting it big.  We think if and when this happens we will be happy and live a life of abundance.  The thing we miss is that we are already abundant and have just enough of what we need and that our chances of becoming financially abundant by gambling are slim to none.  In fact most people who gamble don't win.  That is the objective of every casino and every lotto game.  The very slim c

It is no wonder that there is dessert offered in restaurants.  Sugar is one of the single most common likes of most people. Sugar appeals to us in a way that any other food does in that it is much more addictive.  The more sugar we get use to eating the more we want to eat it.  Sugar satisfies us because it is a mood elevator and it just taste good in the many forms we eat it in: donuts, candy, chocolate mouse, cupcakes and pancakes.  We even have places that sell only cupcakes and coffee and milk for those of us who would like to feel our childhood once more. Sugar products are all around us and every time we go our, every where we go, we see new and creative ways to use sugar and to consume it.  Even as a small child we might remember cotton candy which is made of almost all sugar weaved into a light cloud like ball.  It looks pretty and it looks delicious but it is pure sugar. The incidents of diabetic illness has risen substantially, especially in children.  We are seeing more an

One of the many soft addictions that are common place is television.  Let's face it we are an American society that is very addicted to TV.  Now with cable television we are truly getting more addictive television than ever before.  I find that some of the addictive TV shows are ones about true crimes or true housewives.  There are so many shows on TV and any one of them can become an addiction however television in general has become an addiction for many.  I find myself turning the TV off at times realizing fully that I have watched my share of it for the day.  I am sometimes as guilty as anyone else and end up watching a couple of hours of television late at night.  Once I get hooked to my 20/20 on ABC TV and other shows I have to pry myself away from it. I think that TV is generally an addiction for people who feel lonely and most of all those of us who live alone.  It's very easy to get on a kick to watching TV and allowing it to suck you in, especially when you feel lik

There are so many soft addictions that it has prompted me to continue a blog on the subject.  The most common of addictions is work addiction.  I find that workaholics are people who are either avoiding life or have a fear around financial disaster. Like many of the soft addictions work addicts work super hours like  from 4am-10pm.  They start very early but they also have three and four jobs.  They stay busy, very busy.  Some will admit that they work so much so they don't have to spend so much time at home with their partners. Work Addicts: People who work more than is necessary and who spend more than ten hours a day working.  In fact the work addict is usually one who has more than one job.  They may have up to three jobs.  The work addict is usually avoiding something: loneliness, their spouse, their home life, their kids, problems at home or something else.  The work addict is also someone who is in fear around money and the lack of it.  Fear makes them work extra hours to

We all know someone who either admits or denys  their addiction to "bad boys".  I think that people are a little confused about what constitutes a bad boy.  Our common version or definition of bad boy is a person who does bad things and a person who gets into a lot of trouble.  This for me is only one limited definition of "bad boy".  There are a lot of characteristics of what I think would make up a bad boy.  A bad boy is someone who is: selfish, a bully, a controlling person. a taker, a quiter , a coward and many more.  Bad boys come in all shapes and sizes.  They are the cheap skates, the emotionally absent guy and the unhealed alcoholic.  They are the guys who don't think twice about asking that everything is fifty fifty whether is is dinner or a movie.  A bad boy can be identified as a person who is cheap.  He is as my fiend would say "cheap with their money and cheap with their feelings.  Now that we know this how do we avoid and heal ourselves from t

As I continue to talk about addiction, soft addictions I call them, I see that many of us have this one in common: relationship addiction.  We are addicted to the person we are with and this person is usually a person we love and are holding a relationship with.  The trouble with relationship addiction is that you do more for them than for you or anyone else.  That is a very specific sign that you are in an addiction relationship rather than one that is just loving and exciting.  In relationship addiction one person does most of the work while the other person, realizing you are addicted and would do anything, takes.  And takes and takes.  The good news is that you can heal from relationship addiction and figure out how much of your love to take with you and how much love to keep for yourself.  A relationship addict has to learn this and while the person they are in relationship with may enjoy the perks of getting more than they give they are also enabling the addiction, knowing at tim

8.  Don't Judge Yourself: If you expect to heal your food addiction you must not judge yourself.  Stop judging yourself and looking at your food addiction as awful and terrible and your fault.  Release yourself from the addiction by ridding yourself of self-judgement.  Forgive yourself for overeating or eating things that you knew were harmful to you.  Rise above the judgements and begin to love yourself for who you are in the body that you are in.  As one teacher I worked with would say: "don't hate appreciate".  These words can apply to us when we judge ourselves and our bodies.  Don't hate your body, appreciate what your body can do for you.  Judging yourself is only going to make it worse.  Self hate is a sure way to hell and not to healing.  Let's heal the hell. 9.  Time Your Meals: Decide what times if possible when you will eat breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Try to make this the same time each day. 10.  Look at Your Portions: When you get ready to

In my last blog I talked about soft addictions like food.  Overeating is something that many people do and they do so for many reasons like stuffing their feelings down, lonliness, boredom or out of habit.  Some of us have been raised with a relationship with food that is unhealthy.  We were given food when we cried out at times when it was not about food but about being loved.  Many of us have a love hate relationship with good knowing we need it to sustain us yet there are times when we know we are overdoing it.  Healing the food addiction takes time yet it can be done. Here are some of the ways we can attack the food addictions: 1.   Avoid sugar: Sugar is very addictive.  Avoid sugar "by any means neccessary."  Sugar is cancer causing and it is highly addictive.  Once you begin to eat sugar products you create a food addiction that is highly addictive.  I have one rule.  Don't buy it and have it in your home, period.  Make it hard to get sugar by having to go and

There are many things that we do often that we would not consider an addiction.  For some of us admitting we have any addictions is a hard pill to swallow, yet the soft addictions are as important to address as any common addiction like smoking or alcohol addictions.  Is is very hard to let go of any habit we have formed yet there are ways to do resolve addictions.  First we must admit we have an addiction, then we have to identify the addiction and lastly find a way to heal the addiction.  At times this is something we want to accomplish for the sake of the ones we love who are in the background and being effected by it whether it is because you are taking the time to indulge or you are doing it at times when it effects someone else in an adverse manner like when people smoke and the second hand smoke effects their children and their spouse. Some soft addictions are things like:  Food:  Many of us are addicted to food.  Food is an commonly overlooked addiction in that it is

As I watch and old show that Oprah had where she interviewed the cast of "Roots" I recall the impact that one man had on the world. This impact that one man had on the world will forever be somewhere on some one's mind forever.  It, I believe will never ever die.  The things that MLK did were done fearlessly and with such courage that we should all be just a little of what he was to all of us and to the universe.  I contend that he knew he was in danger every time he went out in public and every time he voiced the injustices towards Black Americans.  He did not care whether he was in danger or not and it was not going to stop him from doing what he knew needed to be done and needed to be changed.  Martin Luther King was a man with conviction, such conviction we all wish we had just a little of.  Martin Luther King was a leader of all leaders.  He was a man for all men and a person for all people.  He was and is the reason that people of color are not being stopped from go

After the journey that I have been on in the last year (almost) I look every day inside of me to determine what motivates me.  What motivates me to live?  What moitvates me to continue on in spite of what has happened in my life in the past year?  The diagnosis, the missionary work, the cancer, the treatments, the end of a relationship and the work it takes to take care of a home that is 2600 Square feet, not to mention taking care of Elliott: Me.  I know there are things in my life that motivate me and that keep me going and I would like to share those things with others. 1.  Belief and Faith in Source: My strong belief and faith in source has motivated me to not only live each day but to live each day fully.  Without a source: God is what I select to call him or her, I would have fallen apart over and over again.  I could not have made it even in times when I was unaware of the belief inside of me and the faith instilled in me likely through those who also stood by in faith.  Bele

I have always suffered from depression.  I am uncertain as to whether I ever admitted that on my blog before and I don't mind saying it now.  There are millions of us in the world who have a chemical imbalance or simply have suffered such abuse that depression and darkness becomes second nature.  We are the group of people who might be most in need of knowing the reasons to live and understanding that living our life with purpose means something.  We must also know that everything we do matters and that everything we think effects us in one way or the other.  As I watch channel 220 I realize more fully the order of things when people like Maya Angelou discuss what it was like to be a black woman in a racist world and to be born on the date that Martin Luther King was killed.  And other black women who knew that racism was just about fear and lack of knowing. One of the things that I want to create less of is belaboring other's ignorance about people of color.  I would rather