Killing Elliott
We have all heard of "Kill Bill" and "Killing Willis". Killing Willis is about an actor who played Willis on a TV show who struggled all his life with drugs and pimping. It is a story that is likely one about killing that person you no longer want to be or that person who does not serve you with honor. I have been killing the old Elliott for the last eight to nine months. The one who was married and was a people pleaser. The one who thought about everyone else before thinking about his own health. In fact on another note I almost felt like I wanted to kill myself literally or at least be dead. Once diagnosed with cancer and abandoned by my partner way before I was handed divorce papers and way before I was accused of things I did not do, he was emotionally gone. There was nothing left to do than to change who I was in relationship and to change who I was as a person who is now alone and basically single. In my mind I was married but as my therapist pointed out to me, in spirit I am already divorced. I had to kill that part of Elliott, the one who was the dutiful husband who got bullied into and convinced that I was basically a "punk" (nice word for the N word). I realized that no only did that Elliott have to die but at one point in my half asleep state God came to get him. I was even asked if I would like to go that night. I choose to let the old Elliott go and to begin to create the new one.
I love the new Elliott and I will share why. I no longer have to worry about someone's dirty undies in the bedroom on my pony chairs. I no longer have to worry about cleaning the tub behind a person who rarely cared about the condition of our home or his. I no longer have to answer the invasive questions he would ask me and do the things he wanted me to do without any regard for giving back. I love the new Elliott because he is not so angry anymore and he does not have to run from an eemotional bully who he let control day after day for ten years and who he had doing all his "punk work" as my sister so nicely put it. This Elliott will no longer tolerate racist and bigoted people in his life and in fact has just made friends with some wonderful neighbors who brought cookies and used thier snow thrower to remove my snow from my garage as a gesture of love. This Elliott received an invitation to the Hampton's once again this year to share a home and food with friends from NYC who I love and adore. This Elliott is going back to his roots and abiding by his Spanish heritage once again knowig fully that all those put downs coached as jokes were not funny but rather hurtful. I had to kill that Elliott in order to live.
There have been several times when I have thought about offing myself. I was so ashamed of spending ten years with a person who treated me like a second class citizen and joked about 'chocolate people and dark chocolate people". Underneath the jokes knowig all along that this was a dig on me as a man of color and it was what he needed to do to feel bettter about himself. I know that from the way I found him in this dirty and dingy living quarters in a dark basement apartment. He needed to feel good and he tried to kill the Elliott that I was. Now I am back and back with such joy and light that I can outshine the darkness. I don't have to kill the other Elliott that was struck down so many times he did not know who he was.
You have been shot down. I know it because we all have at one time or another. Maybe not for ten years of your life but let us all be honest in stating that someone has tried to kill our spirit and then we started to kill the authentic person we were. Instead of doing that we now need to kill the person we were not aligned with and that was not aligned with love. That person needs do die but not physically, emotionally or in some way that allows that authentic person to live.
As you plan your new life. Those of you who have work to do. Think about killing the old story with the old person who was a victim or who was treated with hatred or unloving thoughts. Think about killing the person who someone else thought you were and who got beat over the head repeatedly. Let go of that person and say goodbye and good riddens. He is no longer you and you are no longer him. Don't kill Bill or Willis. Don't even kill yourself. Just let tha parts that don't suit you die.
I love the new Elliott and I will share why. I no longer have to worry about someone's dirty undies in the bedroom on my pony chairs. I no longer have to worry about cleaning the tub behind a person who rarely cared about the condition of our home or his. I no longer have to answer the invasive questions he would ask me and do the things he wanted me to do without any regard for giving back. I love the new Elliott because he is not so angry anymore and he does not have to run from an eemotional bully who he let control day after day for ten years and who he had doing all his "punk work" as my sister so nicely put it. This Elliott will no longer tolerate racist and bigoted people in his life and in fact has just made friends with some wonderful neighbors who brought cookies and used thier snow thrower to remove my snow from my garage as a gesture of love. This Elliott received an invitation to the Hampton's once again this year to share a home and food with friends from NYC who I love and adore. This Elliott is going back to his roots and abiding by his Spanish heritage once again knowig fully that all those put downs coached as jokes were not funny but rather hurtful. I had to kill that Elliott in order to live.
There have been several times when I have thought about offing myself. I was so ashamed of spending ten years with a person who treated me like a second class citizen and joked about 'chocolate people and dark chocolate people". Underneath the jokes knowig all along that this was a dig on me as a man of color and it was what he needed to do to feel bettter about himself. I know that from the way I found him in this dirty and dingy living quarters in a dark basement apartment. He needed to feel good and he tried to kill the Elliott that I was. Now I am back and back with such joy and light that I can outshine the darkness. I don't have to kill the other Elliott that was struck down so many times he did not know who he was.
You have been shot down. I know it because we all have at one time or another. Maybe not for ten years of your life but let us all be honest in stating that someone has tried to kill our spirit and then we started to kill the authentic person we were. Instead of doing that we now need to kill the person we were not aligned with and that was not aligned with love. That person needs do die but not physically, emotionally or in some way that allows that authentic person to live.
As you plan your new life. Those of you who have work to do. Think about killing the old story with the old person who was a victim or who was treated with hatred or unloving thoughts. Think about killing the person who someone else thought you were and who got beat over the head repeatedly. Let go of that person and say goodbye and good riddens. He is no longer you and you are no longer him. Don't kill Bill or Willis. Don't even kill yourself. Just let tha parts that don't suit you die.
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