Love Your Way (continued)
Being loved in the way that you want to be loved takes some work on your part. It is not hard work and begins with asking. Ask someone in your life to show you love in the way that you need and want to be. For some of us it may require a love note once a month or flowers when you are feeling down. For others it is a date out to dinner or a massage or certain words that resonate as loving. I remember once asking someone to not ask me "what is wrong" when I was sad or looked sad. I also asked that this not be the first question asked when I am crying. One day I found out from my daughter that she had a friend and her daughter killed by the father of the girl. Apparently the relationship was strained and she went to visit the father, an argument likely ensued and he pulled out a knife and killed her and her little girl. I was devastated at the thought of this happening to someone my daughter knew and it pulled at my heart. That evening in my sleep I started to cry. When the person I was with heard me he asked the very question I had asked him not to ask me when I was upset: "What is wrong" he asked. I reminded him once again that this was not a question that resonated as loving for me but rather something like: "I love you, what are you feeling right now?" or "Tell me how you feel Elliott". Still I responded and shared that I was experiencing sorrow about the girl and her daughter who were killed by the father-grandfather to which he responded: "You did not even know them". I will leave it up to all of you to determine how that response felt to me and how it would feel to anyone. What I knew at that moment was that I was not being honored and loved in the way that I had asked repeatedly to be loved. This would be for all of you, 'the yellow flag'.
When someone does not love us in the way we ask to be loved there is a certain lack of honor present and a certain type of ego based response. A response that is not a listening response but rather one that the other person feels like giving or gives out of an ego based reaction or judgement. The judgement could be that he or she does not feel you should have those feelings and that you should "suck it up". I call it the suck it up syndrome and one that is so familiar in our society. We are asked to suck things up in kindergarten by our teachers and we learn this type of omission of our feelings early in our lives when we are not allowed to have hurt feelings or to cry. When others don't have the skills of giving you love in a way that you are asking for it they have learned some other form of love that is limited to that brand of love. They are not only not capable of giving you that "brand of love" you are asking for they are NOT willing. These are often people who don't have the ability to love themselves or who love themselves more than anyone else at all times, making so that compassion or the ability to be compassionate is not there and was not a learned behavior. In fact they see your pain as weakness and it bothers them and makes them angry at times. To expect this type of person to listen to the way you want to be loved and act on it is in a word, CRAZY. It is just not going to happen.
Some of us have been looking to be loved our way through several relationships. Some of us are not reasonable. Some of us are asking for something that makes perfect sense like what I asked for: loving language. Loving language is part of being loved in a manner that you deem it and want it. It is asking others to use a language that you can relate to and that you respond better to. I use to ask for loving language like:
"I hear what you are saying and I want to be of service. How can I help?"
" I love you and hate to see you in pain. How can i serve you and help you through the pain?"
"I know how you feel and understand it".
"Would you like me to hold you?"
"How can I help?"
Loving language is one of the most simple ways to love someone in a way that truly honors them and takes the time to say that you love them. Loving language is what you know the person you love needs to hear or has shared they want to be loved and spoken to. It is the easiest way to love another person and get the love you want. Someone has to be first and someone needs to be the person to bring the flowers or write the first love note. Love is not automatic but rather constant work and constant nurturing. It is like raising a baby. It is honoring the person you say you love.
When someone does not love us in the way we ask to be loved there is a certain lack of honor present and a certain type of ego based response. A response that is not a listening response but rather one that the other person feels like giving or gives out of an ego based reaction or judgement. The judgement could be that he or she does not feel you should have those feelings and that you should "suck it up". I call it the suck it up syndrome and one that is so familiar in our society. We are asked to suck things up in kindergarten by our teachers and we learn this type of omission of our feelings early in our lives when we are not allowed to have hurt feelings or to cry. When others don't have the skills of giving you love in a way that you are asking for it they have learned some other form of love that is limited to that brand of love. They are not only not capable of giving you that "brand of love" you are asking for they are NOT willing. These are often people who don't have the ability to love themselves or who love themselves more than anyone else at all times, making so that compassion or the ability to be compassionate is not there and was not a learned behavior. In fact they see your pain as weakness and it bothers them and makes them angry at times. To expect this type of person to listen to the way you want to be loved and act on it is in a word, CRAZY. It is just not going to happen.
Some of us have been looking to be loved our way through several relationships. Some of us are not reasonable. Some of us are asking for something that makes perfect sense like what I asked for: loving language. Loving language is part of being loved in a manner that you deem it and want it. It is asking others to use a language that you can relate to and that you respond better to. I use to ask for loving language like:
"I hear what you are saying and I want to be of service. How can I help?"
" I love you and hate to see you in pain. How can i serve you and help you through the pain?"
"I know how you feel and understand it".
"Would you like me to hold you?"
"How can I help?"
Loving language is one of the most simple ways to love someone in a way that truly honors them and takes the time to say that you love them. Loving language is what you know the person you love needs to hear or has shared they want to be loved and spoken to. It is the easiest way to love another person and get the love you want. Someone has to be first and someone needs to be the person to bring the flowers or write the first love note. Love is not automatic but rather constant work and constant nurturing. It is like raising a baby. It is honoring the person you say you love.
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