Love Your Way 9 (continuation)

Today I was on the phone with my best friend and started to talk about the feelings I have around abandonment.  As you know my father abandoned me when I was a small child of 6 years and I've not seen him since then.  I know he may be living in San Diego but the mere thought of seeing him elicits bad feelings for me.  I suspect that like when I was 19 he won't recall me name and my heat sink just as it did then during that very short phone call.  I don't even remember how or why or what motivated me but I do remember that afterwards I felt as empty as I did before the call.  My little six year old inside was hoping for love my way and that he would say something to me that resembled loving  me the way I wanted to be loved then.  It did not happen.  And so that brings me to part 9 of this blog about getting the love we want or love our way.  The part that admits that maybe there isn't a way to retrieve the love you want and especially the way you want to be loved.  Sometimes it is not possible.  Sometimes we cannot make it happen no matter how much we want it because it "takes two to tango".

Love your way may not be the best route to take every time and in every situation.  Maybe acceptance that your not going to be loved your way is the best thing you can give yourself.  Maybe admitting to your highest source that love with that person is not possible but that love your way with others is.  That this one person who cannot give you love the way you want it is not available and is not connected to that feeling of love.  Perhaps it is time to admit that love your way is loving yourself and not entertaining a lie inside about someone you know does not feel the same way you feel.  That is the truth about love.  You will win some and you will loose some.  You will succeed at it only if there is another cooperating party.  Love and connection does not just happen every time for everyone.

Recently I had a person bow out of my life.  This same person lost a loved one and I did everything I could to help her through the loss.  I was certain we would be BFF's as they say but to my dismay she wrote me a "dear john letter".  Even then I called her to make certain that this was what she was trying to say because the words were so general and so disconnected of any feeling.  She then said to me "I prefer you not call me anymore" because I am talking to x,y,z people who you are not talking to.  I was amazed at the clarity for her and how she simply selected them over me.  It was how she felt and I could have been happy that she was being honest.  Instead I was pissed as hell.  I went inot the pantry and found two pictures of her and shredded them in my office and then found a picture of her loved one and did the same.  I thought that this would afford me forgetting and letting go and to a degree it did but the healing has been a different story for me that involves years of not being loved like I want and deserve by people who like her took all she needed and then blew me off.  Shredding her pictures and deleting her information from my phone felt good, don't get me wrong.  It was part of the healing process.  I know that now even if at the time it was out of anger.  All the pictures belonged to me and I had saved them thinking how  much she and he loved me but what I know today is that it was my illusion of love not the reality.  True love is not that easily diposed of.  That is what you all need to understand.  True love your way is really loving and true love is not easily thrown out like garbage and when it is don't take it personal.  It is not about you at all.

• Love your way can only happen when you love yourself first.  Then you insist on being loved by others in a manner that is beautiful and right for you.  Love their way is good too.  Remember that there are goiing to be people in your life that can only love you their way and that this is just a fact and not the truth of whether you deserve it your way or not.  My example is when I went to the front door and there was a package outside for me!  I could not imagine what it could be and when I opened it it had a red ribbon tied to it, a white box with the name Michale Stars.  I opened it and read the note that was in essence and invitation to come to the Hampton's where my friends' sister and her husband rent a home during the summer.  Both live in Manhattan NY across from Central Park.  I am good friends with the sister who lives in Chicago.  I opened the box and inside there was a Hensley T-shirt that was a soft cotton and felt as they say "like butter".  This was I think the third one as she had sent me two when I was ill in the hospital and I wear them to bed because they are so very soft.  I will wear this one to bed as well.  Or under a shirt possibly to work out in.  This is how my friend shows me love and although some may say that the material part of it is not love I don't agree.  I see the love in that gift as an expression of that person's love for me and it i perfect as it is.  It is love my way and her way and this is what I mean about acceptance of the various ways people show their love for us.  Whn I see her she will hug me and that will be an additional form  of love.