Coach Elliott

Today I started my own 21 day journey to forgiveness.  Like many of you I have judgements about myself and sometimes find myself stuck in those thoughts of myself that are not serving me.  One of the reasons for these thoughts of resentment or of anger is that I am still holding on to the past treatement of me by others and guilt around what I have said or done, the mistakes I have made.  Although it may be valid to feel our feelings it is not good to hold onto any of those negative feelings about anyone including ourselves.  For this reason we must begin to forgive ourselves first and then make every effort to forgive others who we deem hurt us or are an enemy.  If you are stuck and still judging yourself for the past then this may be someting that will help you.  I also ask that you pass it on if you know others that may be in need of forgiving, which is likely everyone we know. Here is a practical way to start the forgiveness process:  Take about 5-10 minutes to be silent.   You

I almost want to vomit when people say: "opposites attract" because what I know at this stage of my life is that when someone is that different from us it is a bad match and eventually it will likely end, sometimes in a very ugly manner.  My own quote about matches is this: "opposites should not attract".  It is the similarities and common interest that make for a great relationship with anyone whether a friend or lover or spouse.  The fact that one person hates dancing and is not social and the other person is the opposite and loves dancing and socializing with others is a red flag and I say before you get invested run fast in the other direction, away from that person who will not honor what you love to do and what is important to you. Maria's story will help you to understand that opposites don't attract anything in the long run.  Maris is a hard core Latina who has overcome many obstacles in her life around being a woman of color and people minimizing

"Faced with the depth of loss and disappearance in the average life, a measure of denial is creative, necessary  and self-compassionate: children are not meant to know they are one day meant to die and older adults are not meant to tell them.  Refusing to face what we are not yet ripe and ready to face can help us to live in the present." David Whyte I have often sighted the feeling of denial as a tool to endure the hardest of times when we are not ready to deal with what has come our way.  There will be always be things that will happen in life that we don't have to focus on and that are better left alone, put away until we are ready or until it is necessary  to address it.  People with cancer and other serious illness may opt not to think about the cancer spreading in their body and prefer to live in the moment, sighting the fact that they are still feeling good, especially when the treatments are presented as an option that will lessen the quality of their life.  Den

Many are not aware of it but there are some truly distinct ways to illuminate negativity from your life and spirit.  The one thing that we must decide is that we will NOT NOT NOT continue to do the same things the same way and expect anything to change in our life.  We must, must, must do things differently in order to manifest a positive change for us and everyone surrounding us.  There are some very basic ways we can do this many of which include letting go of the "soft addictions".  Soft addictions can be anything from watching too much TV, wanting others to always accept us, drinking and eating too much or staying busy all the time, every day, day after day to avoid our thoughts and feelings. Here are some easy ways to start a more positive life:  Get rid of your TV :  It is a known fact that we spend much too much time watching mindless programs on TV, never mind the commercials that use scare tactics to convince us to buy something or hire a lawyer.  According to c

Beginning anew is for some of us one of the scariest things we will endeavor.  It requires first that we want to start anew and that most of all we believe we deserve to be happy again.  Most of the time a new start is associated with leaving a job or a relationship that we know in our hearts is toxic.  It could even be a friend that we understand is no longer in our highest good to continue to hang with.  Whatever the new beginning it is usually the fear of the unknown coupled with the belief that we can do better and that we deserve better.  No one knows better than we do that it is the right timing and that it is now that we must cease the moment and do something to change our trajectory and in turn effect our life in a positive way. It is not an easy task to figure out that we must create a new beginning in an area of our life.   The truth is that if we have the courage to see it through we will end up finding the peace and joy we so deserve.  Fear will block our new beginning an

Life  will teach us all that letting others know what is OK and what is NOT OK is an essential life skill.  Letting others know one's boundaries is one of the most basic life skills.  Teaching others how we want to be treated, what is acceptable and what is hurtful and a deal breaker helps us to set the boundaries necessary  to have healthy and happy relationships with everyone, everywhere, all the time.  When we set limits we are respecting ourselves in a way that is normal and will avoid us having to become resentful or get into a conflict that may result in someone saying: "I did not know that about you", when in fact you have addressed it with them, leaving no stone related to how you want to be addressed unturned. For me the kinds of things that are not OK are requests that require me to tell someone every move I make, but the one that I really am a stickler about is when others "tell my story" as I refer to it.  I truly dislike any other person starting

I had a friend recently say to me, "some things are better left unsaid" referring my decision to end a friendship.  More than ever I don't agree with this kind of thinking because for me it feels passive aggressive and a "cop out".  I believe that some things, in fact most things should be said and said in the most direct, specific and loving manner that we can say it.  For me ending a relaitonship by simply not calling any more is a lack of respect for others and for oneself.  In my view as a human being and a life coach it is best to clear the air and end a relationship by making truthful, honest and compassionate language.  This of course does not mean that this is the best way for everyone to end every friendship, however, when possible it seems to me that honest communication is the best approach. Intimacy between any two people is not always easy.  It requires that we take responsibility for what we say and do in relationships with anyone we might refer

After the Orlando tragedy we are once again reminded that what the world needs now is love and lots of it.  We cannot fight hate with hate just as we cannot fight bigotry with more of the same toxic energy.  What we must attempt to do is to create an air of compassion. And kindness that will overcome the anger and hate that is involved when people do what the person did in Florida targeting gay people out of  sheer ignorance. Sadly this may not be the end of a history of unexplicable incidents in our country.  More and more we are hearing the message that we are not as advanced and united as we think and that there is a lot of healing to be done.  But at the core of our healing is an emphasis on connection and teaching our children how vital it is to become our brother's keeper and do the very best we can to stay in that human connection so that we are aware of the imbalance when we see it and when we sense it.  We cannot cure our world of these tragedies but we can do our best t

I don't often watch the show "America's Got Talent" but I am truly glad I did so today.  I was floored by an African American woman who sang with the passion of a 21 year old who is 62.  Not only did I get inspired by her I thought about the fact that she and I are the same age and that like her I could have as many new beginnings as a I deem it and as I dream it.  She is an example of the fact that we are never too old and that yes: "age is just a number".  She looked great and she rocked the song but more than anything she sent a message to the world and to people her age that it is not over until we decide that it is. I admire women because they are the ones who will rock a dress and heels at 60, 70 and even at 80.  In New York a photographer who focused on older women uncovered the beauty that I know is ageless and that many dismiss.  As a result a few of the women have been featured in ads and one recently shot a commercial about fashion for Marshall&

I was about six years old when from one day to the next I awoke and my father was not at home.  Days passed, months passed, then years, and my dad did not come back.  In fact I have not seen him since even though when I was married the first time I attempted to invite him to the wedding and into my new life.  He was not receptive and in fact he did not recall my name.  In that moment I knew that I would never think of him in the same way.  Recently my step brother contacts me through FB because as it would turn out his brother named his child Elliott and when he was looking to friend him he saw my name.  He sent me a message via filtered messages on FB and asked me if I was Frank's son and if I'd been born in Ohio.  I responded with a yes and when I looked at his picture on FB he looked very much like my brother who was named after our dad, Frank.  My story is long and a bit dramatic but when I was about 14 I ran away from my abusive home life and ended up in Ohio in my first y

A few days ago I decided to end the interaction between myself and a person who I knew in my heart was not an honest friend nor was the interaction genuine for me.  For a few years I had been lying to myself about the reality of that acquaintance and decided to release him.  I'd thought about it for a long time because my friendship with him felt dishonest and what I knew was that I was never satisfied with what would be to him a loving relationship but to me was a relationship of convenience and almost like an accidental meeting.  But this is not where it starts or stops because what I am understanding is that I am in need of evaluating my own honesty and my own integrity.  The results of my pondering this thought is that there are places in my life where I am in need of healing by living a more honest life.  It unfortunately hurts me that as a result of this discovery I am going to need to release others in my life and discontinue any communication mostly out of a concern for my

Love is a delicate walk.  At times what we might note is that love and hate seem to truly have a thin liine between them.  There was a song that comes to mind that the lyrics stated: "It's a thinner line between love and hate".  What I think as a life coach, a father and someone who has been married and happily divorced is that when relationships end or look as though they might people readily turn to anger and hateful feelings.  In fact what we know is that sadly some relationships have ended in the death of one of the people in it by the other party, usually the male.  As horrible as this is it is an example of how "love" can and does turn into "hate".  I say this in quotations because there is an argument for there not being love in the first place but rather the illusion of love.  Still no one can really say for sure except the people who are "stirring the pot", the two people having the relationship. Love is a part of our life and if w

There are many people who are unsure about being in a relationship once they end one.  So many times people get into relationships when they are not yet ready.  Knowing the signs can be helpful in deciding whether to seek a new relationship.  Here are some of the important signs that you are not ready. You aren't ready to be in a relationship if:  You don't love yourself first:  Loving ourselves first and foremost is the most important aspect of loving others.  If we do not love ourselves first loving others becomes a drill in co-dependency and in the long run makes for a less than happy interaction.  People who love themselves first are much more ready for  a realtionship and are better at ending ones that are not healthy.  People who don't love themselves first stay in relationships for years becasue the last thing on their mind is their own joy. You you are self-conscious:  What you think of yourself is one of the most important things to establish before you get

When we think of family, we often times limit ourselves to the people who are blood related yet what we know is that many of us have adopted others who we refer to as family and whom we love very much.  My daughters, like many women,  have friends of many years who they consider sisters.  In one case my oldest daughter has one friend whom she has known since she was 2 years old who was the child of one of my neighbors.  She is 37 years old now and they are stronger now than ever.  Like sisters I am sure they have had their challenges yet nothing has kept them apart.  My other daughter has a friend she has known since grammar school and she is now 32 and lives with her friend's parents.  All of this to say that family are the people that you make your family. Family are the people you make your family over the years who are great friends and who one has known for a long time.  In some cases people who are friends will refer to each other as cousins or their children will refer to

I am always a little shocked when I find out that someone has never volunteered for anything nor have they any inclination to do so. There is really not any judgment on my part but rather a feeling around how wonderful it is to serve and how rewarding it is to serve others and to give of what we have, talents or money.  I feel that in my life I have been so blessed to have what I have that the logical thing to do is to give of myself.  I just never thought about it any other way other than that this is my human agreement.  Still there are many people out there that don't feel any obligation to give or to serve others and that of course is their proactive. There are many reasons why I can think of to give of oneself to others, here are some:  Giving to others gives us a compassionate heart and giving from that place brings us joy. It reminds us what we are here for which is to love each other and lift each other up.  This can only result in a positive feeling about ourself and a

There is a magical and healing place in San Diego California where you go to cleanse every part of who you are: physical, emotional and spiritual.  It is called the Optimum Health Institute and is a place where you commit to a week or two of raw foods only and wheat grass juice daily.  Every day they offer Yoga classes, organic food prep classes, meditation and a morning and evening exercise class that involves a part where crawl on the floor as if you are a baby again, then lay on your back and force yourself to laugh.  Everyone begins slowly but soon there is a roar of laughter in the room because just like crying it is contagious to hear others laugh.  The roar of laughter reminds us that laughter is healing and whether we feel like laughing or not we can force ourselves to do it and in many cases feel the joy that laughter brings to each of us. OHI is not the only place where one can laugh or feel the joy of laughter.  We can do this on a daily basis at home as part of our self-w

Tonight I invited my cousin over to help me to gather up the items from the basement that I would be selling at the community garage sale this week.  I did my best to see how much of the things I have collected over the years I could let go of while thinking to myself , "Elliott, let that shit go".  In spite of the garage now being full of things I am willing to let go of and sell, for whatever I get, there still remains a number of things in the basement.  I now know that it is harder than I thought to make those kinds of decisions about what to keep and what to sell.  I feel like my mother who when you go to her home there is barely any space that does not have an object in and around and on top of things. Although the my home is beautiful according to most I have manged to collect enough other things to where I am now confused and irritated by it.  My intention is to let that shit go and move on, while avoiding any additional purchases.  God knows I have enough and that t

If only there was peace and quiet every time we needed it.  If only others would be perfectly quiet when we wanted to take a nap during the day and we have three elementary school age children.  If only we were considerate to others every single time and honored their feelings and their need to rest or be honored in other ways.  If only we knew that holding silence is a sacred time we create in our spirits. So many people do not realize the importance of when to speak and when not to speak, never mind being quiet when others are in a place of peace or need to feel peaceful.  We love to hear ourselves talk and what we do is talk over our feelings and the feelings of others.  In essence we don't know when to shut up.  We are not as considerate as we should be and others are not as considerate as we want them to be.  But it all starts with us. I am an advocate of "listen more than you speak."  I believe that we have an issue with listening and that we don't take the

I have been attempting to stay on the positive side with my blogs yet I sense there is someone out there in need of identifying, like many others, what is abuse, focusing today on subtle abuse.  Subtle abuse is seemingly minor in the beginning yet repeated offenses make for some truly difficult consumption on the part of the abused.  They are some of the passive aggressive ways people abuse others that over time effects the self-esteem and joy of others.  Passive aggressive abuse is usually intentional and is meant for us to be looked at as if we are crazy if we point it out.  Often times what the passive abuser will sight is that we have an overly sensitive nature.  Of course there is no such thing when we know that what is being done or said to us is abusive.  In addition, what we say hurts us should be heard and honored with out much questioning.  No one gets to say who we are and use sensitivity as an excuse to justify abuse. Insults coached in a joke: Some of the most subtle

I believe that God is everywhere and in every person.  I chose to believe that God has no limits as to where he or she can be.  I have seen God in my children, in my grandchildren, in my friends, in my pastor and in the people I meet. I have witnessed God in his or her actions.  God is good and merciful and he lives inside the people in all the jails all over the world who are guilty and the ones that are innocent.  God is truly here because he is without any doubt in my mind, everywhere we are. Trusting in God's guidance is important and believing gets us through everything that challenges us and that will come along.  When we think about all that we have overcome we know with certainty that God is here and his or her grace is upon us on a daily basis.  But the one thing that we must be able to do is to claim God's grace and invite him in to our life.  It is that simple a decision for each of us every single day that we are alive. For some God does not exist and they call

Girls are taught at a young age to recite "he loves me, he loves me not" while plucking the pedals off of a yellow daisy.  Girls and boys alike are not taught to be in touch with who they are and to put a value on their life.  On the contrary many of us learn that feeling great about ourselves was simply not acceptable, least of all loving who we are.  Because of this type of thinking we have become some of the most co-dependent people ever.  We are unhappy when we are not in a relationship and we think we become happier when we do.  There is really nothing further from the truth about life.  It is when we sincerely love ourselves that we will be whole, with or without someone else.   The fact is that if we don't love ourselves and learn to hold ourselves up we may never be whole.  Learning to love ourselves is not something we obtain from our parents.  Loving ourselves is not usually what many religious leaders advocate for in their sermons.  In fact the messages we g

At 2am this morning a man equipped with three weapons went into a gay nightclub and killed 50 people before the police were able to intervene and kill him.  The verdict is still out as to why and of course the media and others will speculate.  Is this a hate crime against gay people or was this an act of terrorism?  Was this a man who was angry at being gay or who hated gay people?  In the end those questions are likely not ones that will ever be answered because number one, the shooter is dead. The one thing we know is that this incident was an act of an angry man who decided to unload that anger onto others.  But what we know best is that there are people around us who could at any moment under the right circumstances kill another person or persons.  The question is how do people like this end up killing and no one who knew him or interacted with him NOT know anything about what was coming?  How is it that a person who is capable of a mass killing be overlooked and go un-noticed?