That's Not OK!
Life will teach us all that letting others know what is OK and what is NOT OK is an essential life skill. Letting others know one's boundaries is one of the most basic life skills. Teaching others how we want to be treated, what is acceptable and what is hurtful and a deal breaker helps us to set the boundaries necessary to have healthy and happy relationships with everyone, everywhere, all the time. When we set limits we are respecting ourselves in a way that is normal and will avoid us having to become resentful or get into a conflict that may result in someone saying: "I did not know that about you", when in fact you have addressed it with them, leaving no stone related to how you want to be addressed unturned.
For me the kinds of things that are not OK are requests that require me to tell someone every move I make, but the one that I really am a stickler about is when others "tell my story" as I refer to it. I truly dislike any other person starting a sentence with: "Elliott does not like... Or Elliott will get angry if someone"... Or "Elliott has a habit of"... I don't like when others share things about me without so much as asking me and prefer that no one respond for me. When I was in a long term relationship the woman I was with would cross this line often, sometimes sharing intimate things about me that seemed to be obvious infractions of any person's privacy, never mind the fact that I repeated stated that I was a private person. It would infuriate me and the response from her was completely neutral a as if nothing big had happened.
When we set clear boundaries and someone does not adhere to them it is a clear sign that they do not respect you and that they are either attempting to put you down in public or they have a general issue with adhering to what others consider limits. They are usually people who are presumptuous and many times will not share their own stories about who they are deep inside. They deflect by using you or someone else as a kind of distraction so that they don't have to share much about themselves. Mostly someone who shares your story is not someone who respects you or your right to privacy. I sometimes say that they are people who are self-entitled who believe that they can say and do what they like even if others find it offensive.
Setting of boundaries needs to happen very early in any friendship or relationship of any type. When we share who we are we are in some ways sharing our limits and what we find acceptable and not so nice. We can be very frank with others and let them know what our boundaries are and the kinds of things we find offensive or hurtful. It is best to do this in early conversations and to make the statement that these are our boundaries. We must always be willing to stand by our convictions and what we believe in, letting everyone know, every time, what is not acceptable to us. When people cross our boundaries and disrespect us we must also decide on a penalty and share it. It could be that we take a break from the person or we end the relationship. If after a few infractions someone does not comply with your boundaries it is likely a good idea to "release them". That is code for "get rid of them".
Boundaries are a part of life. If we did not have any boundaries some people would "run a muck" and do as they please, when they please, where they please. It would be very difficult to work with people who yell or put others down during the course of the work day. It would be a teacher's nightmare if the students spoke whenever they liked and held conversations in the classroom that had nothing to do with the lesson he or she is teaching. In a way we can call boundaries the rules we live by and the perimeters that dictate how we are to behave in certain settings. We don't go to church and laugh out loud at a joke our sister tells us. It is simply inappropriate behavior and it crosses the sacred boundaries of a church where people go to worship and experience fellowship in a peaceful and quiet environment. Without boundaries there would be a form of havoc everywhere we go.
Women who are abused have lost their ability to have set and kept boundaries around how they are to be treated. After months or years of abuse the boundaries have been crossed so many times that nothing she says will put a stop to the abuse and nothing will keep her from being abused with the exception of leaving the situation and the person who is abusing her. Abuse happens because someone decides to disrespect the wishes of another human being and does not respect the law that says that mental or physical abuse is wrong. It is one of the most serious forms of the crossing of boundaries, life boundaries. Although for some of us we do not see the horrific affects of emotional and more subtle abuse it is our lack of setting clear boundaries that gives others permission to disrespect us.
What are your boundaries? Have you made them clear to others in your circle? What can you do to set your boundaries now? Is it time to let go of someone in your life that does not honor your sacred rules? Think about what your limits are and how important it is to set and keep your boundaries with everyone all the time. Take the first step today and now to set your boundaries and honor your spirit.
For me the kinds of things that are not OK are requests that require me to tell someone every move I make, but the one that I really am a stickler about is when others "tell my story" as I refer to it. I truly dislike any other person starting a sentence with: "Elliott does not like... Or Elliott will get angry if someone"... Or "Elliott has a habit of"... I don't like when others share things about me without so much as asking me and prefer that no one respond for me. When I was in a long term relationship the woman I was with would cross this line often, sometimes sharing intimate things about me that seemed to be obvious infractions of any person's privacy, never mind the fact that I repeated stated that I was a private person. It would infuriate me and the response from her was completely neutral a as if nothing big had happened.
When we set clear boundaries and someone does not adhere to them it is a clear sign that they do not respect you and that they are either attempting to put you down in public or they have a general issue with adhering to what others consider limits. They are usually people who are presumptuous and many times will not share their own stories about who they are deep inside. They deflect by using you or someone else as a kind of distraction so that they don't have to share much about themselves. Mostly someone who shares your story is not someone who respects you or your right to privacy. I sometimes say that they are people who are self-entitled who believe that they can say and do what they like even if others find it offensive.
Setting of boundaries needs to happen very early in any friendship or relationship of any type. When we share who we are we are in some ways sharing our limits and what we find acceptable and not so nice. We can be very frank with others and let them know what our boundaries are and the kinds of things we find offensive or hurtful. It is best to do this in early conversations and to make the statement that these are our boundaries. We must always be willing to stand by our convictions and what we believe in, letting everyone know, every time, what is not acceptable to us. When people cross our boundaries and disrespect us we must also decide on a penalty and share it. It could be that we take a break from the person or we end the relationship. If after a few infractions someone does not comply with your boundaries it is likely a good idea to "release them". That is code for "get rid of them".
Boundaries are a part of life. If we did not have any boundaries some people would "run a muck" and do as they please, when they please, where they please. It would be very difficult to work with people who yell or put others down during the course of the work day. It would be a teacher's nightmare if the students spoke whenever they liked and held conversations in the classroom that had nothing to do with the lesson he or she is teaching. In a way we can call boundaries the rules we live by and the perimeters that dictate how we are to behave in certain settings. We don't go to church and laugh out loud at a joke our sister tells us. It is simply inappropriate behavior and it crosses the sacred boundaries of a church where people go to worship and experience fellowship in a peaceful and quiet environment. Without boundaries there would be a form of havoc everywhere we go.
Women who are abused have lost their ability to have set and kept boundaries around how they are to be treated. After months or years of abuse the boundaries have been crossed so many times that nothing she says will put a stop to the abuse and nothing will keep her from being abused with the exception of leaving the situation and the person who is abusing her. Abuse happens because someone decides to disrespect the wishes of another human being and does not respect the law that says that mental or physical abuse is wrong. It is one of the most serious forms of the crossing of boundaries, life boundaries. Although for some of us we do not see the horrific affects of emotional and more subtle abuse it is our lack of setting clear boundaries that gives others permission to disrespect us.
What are your boundaries? Have you made them clear to others in your circle? What can you do to set your boundaries now? Is it time to let go of someone in your life that does not honor your sacred rules? Think about what your limits are and how important it is to set and keep your boundaries with everyone all the time. Take the first step today and now to set your boundaries and honor your spirit.
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