Life and Agreements

Life is full of agreements that we make with others, with ourselves and with God.  Agreements between two people is likely the most important thing they can do and in some cases agreements are what will save a relationship from tumbling down like a row of dominoes.  Even though it seems that a couple has unspoken agreements, not discussing them is a mistake.  Agreements should be clear and they should be reviewed and discussed from time to time.  Even the consequences for violating an agreement must be talked out and specific, at times manifesting and unfolding as a result of broken agreements.  For many that consequence may be a bitter, long and ugly divorce while for others withholding communication is their way of punishing the other party for not honoring an agreement.  

Agreements in relationships often times come up when things are starting to get pretty bad.  The communication is not there, the arguments are frequent and the shutting down and punishing behaviors are so evident that both people know that it's time to repair the emotional turmoil.  By this time the end may appear to be close by and one or both people are disconnected and emotionally absent for one another.  In other words, "the shit has hit the fan" and now there is a crisis that needs to be addressed.  The problem is that most couples do not have agreements in place and every time one or the other feels like they have had their feet stepped on they stop talkng to one another until one or the other breaks down, they have "make up sex"  and forget about it until the next time they hit the wall.  Nothing ever gets talked out and nothing really gets resolved because nothing is expected of one another.  In short, there are not agreements and there is not a plan of action in place.  

Formulating agreements is a two person job.  Both of the people involved in an intimate relationship must be willing to take the time to share what they consider to be solid agreements that will honor them and honor the relationship.  Being monogomous seems like a good assumption to make yet many people are not monogomous and will later state that this was not discussed.  In a way that person who may have strayed from the relationship has a good point.  For this and many other reasons agreeements are an asset to any relationship between two people.  In fact because there are so many people who have issues with boundaries, agreements are an essential part of ensuring that a relationship is healthy and loving.  

Tom had an agreement with his wife not to bring up his shortcomings in public.  Tom called it "telling my story".  He would tell his wife Matilda that when she would tell his story in public it was a violation of privacy and that if he wanted people to know this he would share it himself.  Matilda would pretend to here Tom but inevitably she would commit the violation of trust again the next time they were in public.  Tom who was a counselor would attempt to explain to his wife that the reason she may be doing this may be a passive aggressive way of getting back at him for something he did.  He asked her if she might agree to discontinue the violation but as it turned out Matilda would not, could not or was not willing to keep the agreement.  Eventually Tom decided that he could no longer overlook his wife's insistence on "telling his story" (personal information) to others and asked for a divorce.  Because of this agreement being broken and other behaviors that could have been resolved by making and keeping agreements, Matilda now feels as though she lost a very good man.  Today she continues to struggle with the same issues because in her words, she "does not see it".  

Agreements are at the core of sound, good, respectful and fulfilling relationships.  We cannot have a clearly loving relationship with anyone if we don't have agreements in place and we don't honor those agreements.  Many couples struggle with this seemingly simple understanding and meeting of the minds.  One or both feel as though the other person is not listening to what they are sharing with them that is both important and sacred.  One or both parties do not respect the other's personal space and personal beliefs enough to refrain from embarrassing or calling out the other person in public.  One one or both people in an intimate relationship do not have clear agreements and honor each other's requests a relationship is frankly, doomed.  Nothing will keep drive people apart sooner and more efficiently than breaking an agreement.  However small the agreement may be to one party it is not so insignificant to the other person.  In fact, for some (count me in) agreements are sacred contracts we make with others and when that contract is not followed to the letter someone will want to sue the other emotionally.  

Do you have things that you have set up as agreeements with people you are in relationship with?  Here are some examples of agreements: 

I agree to tell others my own story and not anyone else's story. 

I agree to speak to you in loving and kind language. 

I agree to acknowledge what you contribute to our relationship and show my appreciation. 

I agree that our marriage is sacred and monogomous. 

I agree to listen with my heart and allow and hold a safe space for you to share your concerned with me.  

I agree not to shame and blame you but instead share my hurt with you with honestly.  

I agre not to withhold love, kindness, understanding or affection.  

Whatever your agreements are undertand that they are the key to holding a realtionship that is healthy and whole.  Agreements should be honored at all times and in the event that they are not there must be open communication.  Life is all about agreements and when we enter in loving relationships they are the glue that holds it together and more over help it to grow in ways that are compassionate and respectful for both people involved.