Coach Elliott

I have been inspired to write a blog about siblings and in particular share some things about my own sister and brother.  Each of them has a different and unique role in my life and each is different in their ways.  All three of us grew up in a situation that many American children undergo: divorce, separation, abandonment by one parent and a life where we have worked diligently for everything we have.  We endured the separation between us, at times for years.  Nothing could explain why but and what matters today is that we found one another again, reuniting in a much more cohesive and loving way.  Perhaps it was because we were separated and at times triangulated we did not naturally gravitate to one another, at least not all of our lives.  Yet what we value, what I value is that we are united now and we have found a newness and connection that is both loving and kind. My sister is one of my best friends.  She is my quirky girl who loves do dance tango.  She is in fact a wonderful d

There is a Beetle's song with the lyric: "I get by with a little help from my friends, I get high with a little help from my friends".  I don't get high but I have gotten through my experience with treatments for cancer with the support of some truly wonderful friends and family to name a few: Taina and Camille: my beautiful daughters Mia and Isabella: my granddaughters Shelley: a wonderful friend Robert: my son in law Lucy: the mother of my children, my former wife and good friend Frank and Marta: my siblings who I adore Pat: my sister in law who is simply awesome Bebe: my new fiend and chanting partner I want to ask for a pardon if I missed anyone. The loving support we get from the people who love us can literally save our life.  We who have this in our life know firsthand what an amazing healing force others who care and have compassion for us can do for our healing.  Love is everything and when we are in need it is surely the best medicine.  For me th

I got up this morning after staying up until about 3am watching Netflix on my iPad.  I am sorry the next day because the curtains are not up in my new home and the sun is blaring in asking me to wake up, NOW!  I am jolted to a state of awake and frankly that is not my favorite way to get up in the morning.  Black out curtains from Pottery Barn nearby are on order.  Still I love this sun filled home in front of a small lake.  It is truly more than I dreamed for in a second home in the same development.  Clearly goddess has shined her light on me! Life is good here in Pingree Grove' Illinois where there are still fields of corn and horses behind white picket fences.  Life here is like a small piece of the Hampton's in New York where the homes often have slip covered white sofas (like mine), white kitchen cabinets and beautiful views of the lake or of a lighted pool.  This is my little piece of heaven and I absolutely love it and feel grateful to have this in my life.  If I'

" Not one drop of my self-worth depends on your acceptance of me". Quincy Jones  This quote is at the bottom of every email I send out and several people have commented about how much it resonates for them.  It is of course not surprising that at the forefront of people's minds is the experience they have had worrying about what others think of them, believe they are or understand as having an impact on their self-esteem.  Many of us have allowed others opinions of us drive how we feel about ourselves and when we begin to undertand that some are not as loving as we would like them to be we then take our self-worth back to ourselves, knowing that our opinion of ourselves is the one that matters most.   If I could take back the ten years I spent with an abusive person in my life and his family of origin that I allowed to abuse me I would.  Sadly I cannot do that and the damage has been done.  Happily for me I am working on and have suceeded in fomulating a more loving o

"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary" Oscar Wilde Samantha met a man after several years of being single.  On paper Cary Titler seemed like a good catch.  At the time she met him he was in school studying to become a nurse.  After only a week or so this guy moves in with her and the next thing she knew his clothes made it into her bedroom drawers.  Not only did this person not go home, he described his own condo as dark and depressing.  A year later Samantha found out exactly what he meant because when she walked down the stairs to his "garden unit" her foot when through it but the real surprise was inside.  It was beyond shocking and beyond dirty, Cary lived in absolute filth.  The plaster from the ceiling was on the dining table, one of the feet on the table was missing, the cabinet doors in the kitchen were hanging sideways, the tile around the tub was inside of it, the toilet was brown inside (OMG) and the stuffing from the sofa was visib

I am a huge advocate for focusing on yourself and dong things that will lift us up.  With so many people running about in critical crisis mode what is left for us is the notion that we must learn to wart off the energy that is bringing us down and keeping us there.  This is why we must have some strategies to lift ourselves up and create a beautiful energy of happiness and contentment even when things are not going so well.  Here are some ideas: Volunteer : Do some volunteer work and at the same time get off the pity pot.  Find ways to help others that are in need more than you are and who could use a helping hand.  There are many ways this can be done such as volunteering at a senior home, a homeless shelter or a facility for battered women.  If you don't find satisfaction in one type of loving work then try another.  Figure out what your passion is and volunteer in that area.  Nothing spells L-O-V-E like placing some of our good energy into helping others. Serve : Look at lif

This blog has taken me off the beaten path, the Believe series of blogs, to a subject I did not think I would be this well versed in since I avoided living in the suburbs almost all my life.  Now I am sixty one and have lived in the "burbs" for a couple of years and absolutely LOVE it.  Today I was thinking about why it is such a joy to live here when the painter rang the bell, came in to the living and kitchen area that is open and looked out the sliding doors announcing how beautiful a view I'd gotten once again. It prompted me to look again and note that not only did I buy a new three bedroom, 2.5 bath home I had this killer view of nature including a small lake one can see from most of the home.  All for only 220,000 with the closing costs thrown in, a fridge and 3,000 off the asking price.  A beautiful new home just for me.  But I once more digress because this blog is about the five great reasons why I live here and possibly why others do as well. 1. Nature : In t

I will be the first to admit if my articles or blogs are inspired by someone else which many times happens with me.  I am inspired to write a series of blogs on Believing because of Oprah who inspired me with her specials called "Believe".  In one of the specials she introduced us to a young boy in Chile who was firm in his belief in God and practiced the Catholic faith in a way I'd not every witnessed before.  He literally joined a group of young men to carry a huge monument depicting Jesus on the cross atop a platform down the street validating his faith in God.  The weight of this monument was made obvious by the look on his face and his body language as his parents cried with joy.  In yet another profound theme a father and his daughter went to a burning retreat on a giant piece of land with huge machines that emitted fire.  At the end of the retreat the structure where people placed pictures and letters to loved ones is burned.  This is a symbol of releasing and of c

" Believe in yourself, not what others believe of you"    Elliott Collazo  The quote above is what came out of my lips when I was talking to a friend about his mother and how she treated him, with disrespect.  What I understood of his and her relationship is that she has been manipulating him for many years by putting him down and telling him who he is.  Statements like "you are a bad boy" were ones that this man heard from the time he was a little boy.  His mother's opinion of him made him feel whole or incomplete.  She abused her power repeatedly until as he put it "lost it" and said much of the things he has been wanting to say that he had been holding in, all of which added insult to injury, even though his point was valid.  My suggestion to him was to discontinue engaging in her emotional game and taking a break from the relationship, taking time to heal himself. Each of us has been in situations where someone else's opinion of us weighs

After a rather lengthy battle with cancer I have successfully gotten my life back.  No one knows how that feels unless you have undergone chemo and some painful radiation.  Yet what I have come to know is that I am much more empowered than I thought and that my life is a series of ups and downs as is everyone else's life. Today I talked to one of my siblings who shared these feelings of helplessness and a desire to be honored by our mother who is currently ill and has many physical and emotional issues.  After our talk I texted him what came up for me which was: "believe in yourself, not what others believe of you".  It is in fact a message that I needed to share but moreover one that I needed to hear as well.  Each day is a challenge but we can get our life back by knowing deep inside of our spirit that we can. After any challenging time we are often placed in a position of trying to get back to normal, to get our life back.  It is not always as simple as we may thin

Each and every step I take in the direction of healing and new beginnings I further my knowledge in this place in my life.  I feel more confident that my  experiences will assist you all out there who are reading my blog and who understand that life is a journey and that we are not flawed or incomplete without a partner, wife or husband or lover for that matter.  I understand better today more so because I am blessed with a new home with a beautiful lake view and a wonderful view of the birds flying in formation.  I understand now and want to share with others that life can be incredible and full of hope when someone leaves your life under and circumstance, especially when you are fighting an illness like mine. No one knows what is better for me than me.  I knew for many years that my relationship with someone in my life was stale, stagnant and unhealthy.  I did not listen to my  spirit and my soul had to be smashed so that I could let go and move on.  I started over again at first w

Today I moved into my brand new home and the move went without a hitch.  The movers knew what they were doing and they were professional and polite.  Every item that needed to be covered was covered and protected and I could tell that they liked what they were doing or at least it seemed that way.  Then the person installing the cable and the internet arrived and I was as happy with his work as that of the movers.  Another polite and kind person who also seemed to like what he does.  Lastly the painter came and he was as nice as before, smiling from ear to ear just as he'd been when he did work for me in the previous home.  All in all a wonderful experience starting over and being in my sacred space that others call a house. Starting over is stressful.  Buying a new home and getting a loan is as well but overall it is worth the stress involved because now I am starting with a clean slate unfettered by someone who allowed me to take on all the burden of almost everything in the ho

This is not a direct quote from a television special I saw yesterday evening but rather my interpretation of it and it goes something like this: "I kept knocking at the door and then realized that I was inside".  My own personal meaning is that we often times do not realize just how simple it would be to walk through a door in life and realize that we were never being held back by others but by our own limitations and fears.  This was for me a simple but profound way of saying that we imprison ourselves without understanding that we are empowered to stand up, open the window and get the air we need.  Not only do we not get this we confine ourselves to the indoors fearing what is outside our door and never realizing our dreams because we don't turn the knob.  As unbelievable as it may seem we are often times our own worse enemy.  We are enslaved by others easily because we are uncertain of our own ability to do something that needs to be done for our sake. My heart bleed

I have been writing about the subject of power versus empowering and have pretty much made a decision for you all to say that power is not the same as empowerment.  I no longer feel a need for power but rather to be empowered.  Power is in itself an illusion and only something that lasts so long, even if it is someone exercising power because they have a lot of money, like Donald Trump or the rock stars on the show "Shark Tank".  Money is a wonderful thing to have but using money for power is something I am not in agreement with, even if many of us promote it and almost worship people who are rich.  I say that they may be rich monetarily but not so much spiritually and that spiritual strength and belief in something of good is empowering and that empowerment is much preferred over power.  I cannot say this enough.  Power is what we throw onto others and for many reasons one of which is control.  We cannot control others with money even if it works temporarily.  In the long ru

I was reminded today that only one percent of the people in the United States control most of the money.  This is that one percent we know as rich people, otherwise known as "the people in power", all be it a false sense of power and at the same time there is much credence to this fact.  People in the US that are rich do have a substantial amount of power, but that is not what matters to me.  What matters is that true power only comes from empowerment and that money does not buy you love, security or protection from a terminal illness.  Money however does buy a certain kind of power in America so that we cannot dismiss people who are rich, not that they are all wielding their wands of power or that the rich are all bad people.  I for one do not want to create a dislike for any group of people even if one comes to mind as being an asshole who thinks his money can buy him the election.  The scariest part of it is that it might. Our presidents are given a lot of power yet some

Today I was forunate to catch Oprah in the afternoon.  She had an author and a person who considered somewhat of a guru.  At one point in the interview Oprah had someone in the audience share that she was affected negatively by the energy at her workplace to which the author responded with something like: If your in your authentic self you would not be moved or affected by other's actions.  I almost fell to the floor when he said this in a tone that was so void of excitement I almost wanted to go take a nap.  I was truly not in agreement with him or at the very least not in full agreement with him.  I would have asked more questions in order to fiqure out what was best for her in her honest opinion and based on what she is experiencing.  There was also a part of me that did not find her believable in that it was as though she was blaming others for her own lack of positive energy.  It felt a little like she was sitting in judgement of others, hence I would of asked more of her befo

Whitney Houston sang a song titled "Love Will Save the Day".  The lyrics of this song are beautiful but moreover very meaningful.  Love will save us and not just for the day but for a lifetime.  Love warts off whatever attempts to penetrate our spirit or make us believe that we are not worthy.  At the core of who we are as humans is love.  It makes perfect sense because we are born in that energy of love and only know otherwise when we become bitter or something happens that challenges our life.  For some of us it is when we forget that love is everything and that all we really truly need in life is love. Love is at the core of who we are as humans and what happens to many of us is that we forget about love or we replace it with hate or other feelings that dominate us.  We do with feelings what addicts do with drugs.  We latch on to a feeling of loss because one person dies and now we have no room for love.  After all if this is a world of love why did our loved one die?  W

When we forgive others and ourselves it makes life worth living and brings us into a space where we can all feel more joy and live longer and better.  When we forgive others for their mistakes and imperfections we are admitting that we are imperfect and that we are human.  Forgiving others is a direct route to healing ourselves and has little to do with whether it was our fault or their fault in our eyes or their way of looking at what may have occurred between you.  When it does not matter who is wrong then forgiveness can happen in a way that is graceful and kind. We are especially vulnerable when we allow our feelings of resentment to run our lives  Resentments are often times a product of our inability to forgive others and our unwillingness to move past the hurt.  I know firsthand that being angry at my parents for not showing up in a way that I felt was proper and right did not serve me and so I decided to forgive my dad for abandoning me and my mother for not being as affectio

I believe that we do and say things so much of the time without thinking that we forget to think before we speak or do something.  We loose the importance of thinking, being thoughtful and living with intention truly is.  Yet we continue to do and say things to others that is hurtful, offensive or judgemental.  How do we become more thoughtful and live with purpose?   Before you say anything to someone, especially when you are emotionally charged count to ten slowly.  We tend to say things to others are hurtful because we don't take the time to pause before we say it.  If we would only take a moment to think about what we say we'd be much better off and so would others who we address, work with or share our lives with.  By pausing we lessen the chances of hurting others.   We have all done things that are harmful to either others, ourselves or both.  We may express our anger by pushing another person or doing other physically abusive things to others.  We do so because w

Today I spoke to a young Black man of 25 years and he shared that white women are more attentive to him than Black women.  He shared that some white women go after him aggressively and when in groups will make comments like: "You did not even look at us" as if to let him know that he needed to stand at attention and not pass them over.  It sounded as though they were more aggressive in their pursuit of him because he did not seem interested in them.  It seems like a case of the forbidden fruit and their struggle that we as men of color have around this syndrome where we are looked at as sexy and anglos who have a particularly offensive perception.  I for one know this first hand because like this young man I was pursued relentlessly by anglo men who in the long run would share that not only were they raised in an environment that was colorless they'd not experienced any person of color  for any length of time.  In some cases it would be unveiled that their parents were ra

For those of  you who don't know it already I believe in a higher being and my simple reason for believing is that we cannot explain away everything as some would like.  For some the scientific explanation for our existence dates  back to the apes and if we follow that path we are decedents of apes.  I honor everyone for their own beliefs and will add that I think that explanation ridiculous.  It may be that I do not want to accept that I evolved from the apes but on the other hand if someone has not witnessed the birth of two daughters like I did then maybe that might cause the non-believer to understand that the miracle of life cannot be a result of some ancestry to apes and that this alone really has no logical explanation even when we follow the sperm to the egg and the conceiving process.  In fact we have often fail at having children even with the intervention of doctors and intense and "invasive" fertilization procedures.  I don't know all he answers and I don&

I did not expect such a good response from my readers on the first part of this blog on "Being Single and Happy".  Living alone has become a great way for me to discover all the great ways to become a happier human being and allow myself the love and laughter I deserve.  I have even understood more clearly that I can have a time of my life all alone and with people who truly see me and value me.  After placing so much emphasis on relationship I know now that the person who was neglected by me was me.  When we do that we have no one to blame but ourselves.  The more I am single the more I learn to: 1. Uncover Things about Me 2. Find New Ways to Challenge Myself 3. Learn to Be Centered and Happy Alone 4. Make Time for What I Really Want to Do 5. Look at Myself as Worth and Beautiful Uncovering new things about myself has been easy because now I am not engaged or being engaged by anyone else but myself.  I have none of the distractions that I had when I was in a relation

For twenty years of my life I was in a relationship with someone.  In the sixty one years of my life I have also been in a five year, four year and two one year relationships.  That totals about thirty years of being in a relationship with someone and I may be missing someone along the way admittedly.  That is half of my life and if you think about my starting at the age of nineteen it is a much higher percentage of my adult life.  I was one of those people that thought I could not live without a relationship with someone.  I had to have someone to validate me and love me because I did not have the skills to love myself first and foremost. I was single for a few years between the ones I was in some form of a relationship and during that time I must of fooled around with a good twenty people, maybe more.  I made sex my validating factor in my life.  If someone wanted to have sex with me I felt as though I was handsome and worthy, that soon someone would come along that wanted me for m

I have been thinking a lot about how relationships end and sadly I do think that most end relatively suddenly because one person in it has been plotting their escape for some time, even having long term affairs for years.  Yet there are some basic signals that a relationship is not doing well and that you are not doing well in the relationship.  Signals that signal that it is time to bail. Here are the four signs that a relationship is not worth pursuing never mind staying in it for years: 1.  You are never good enough no matter what you do or say. 2.  The romance dies off within the first six months. 3.  The person you are with is competitive and wants to win at any cost. 4.  What you do is not acknowledged or appreciated. 5.  The intimacy is one sided and boring. When you are in a relationship where no matter how hard you try it's not good enough it is a sign of things to come.  Once you determine this flaw in the relationship it is likely time to get out and do so quic