Coach Elliott

There are many messages that lead us to falsely believe that we need to be with someone, married to someone or in love with someone.  In fact some people go so far to believe that if someone is single then something must be wrong with them.  After all if you are of a certain age (usually in your thirties) you should already be married and have two children.  Yet there are many happy people who are single and would like to stay that way.  When one looks at the statistics of divorce it brings us to the obvious conclusion that marriages fail more often than they succeed and that there are many people unhappily married to someone they don't like.  Add to this the amount of abuse in relationships we have some good reasons not to be a part of the system that promotes happy relationships, when the truth is that many, if not most, are not. Those of us who are single and not committed to anyone know that there is an art to becoming a happy single person who not only accepts being single b

I am the very first person to look up at the heavens, shake my head and ask: "Really, God, really?" I cannot count the times when I have thought that the rough times were over and that it could not get worse or that nothing else could possibly happen, when suddenly it does.  Not only do I ask God why I also have to regroup and admit that my life is not as cool as I would like it to be, every dam day!  Yet through it all I must say that every single event in my life that has challenged me has taught to produce that ultimate lemonade.  By the way the best frozen lemonade is sold at Trader Joe's, FYI, LOL, OMG and WTF.  Who knew. Those of you who are aware of what I have undergone and overcome would call me a survivor and my own lovely daughters use terms like: "warrior" and "courageous soldier".  I am still not completely comfortable with any of these descriptors but have attempted to embrace the idea that with God's and Goddesses help I have survi

I admit that one of my guilty pleasures is watching Dateline, a show that focuses on murderers and the many ways people end up killing.  What intrigues me the most is that the majority of the time some family member is the killer.  A man kills his wife and children and a woman poisons her husband with anti-freeze and a daughter kills both her mother and father because they apposed to her relationship with a man who was older.  For me a child who kills her own parents is fascinating and I want to understand why.  Why would a teen female be able to justify killing her parents? Sara killed both her parents because she could not get her way and date a guy who was an adult and she was under age.  Her parents were ones who gave her everything she wanted and she had a history of having tantrums and getting her way.  Her parents often did exactly what she wanted in order to have peace in the home and she became use to that.  So when she found her boyfriend and they did not approve she immedi

1.  Be a gentleman 2.  Access your inner feminine  3.  Be sensitive and kind  4.  Respect and honor her  5.  Be self-caring  I started this blog with a list intentionally.  I wanted men who read this to know immediately that these five things are what women are looking for.  When I say score I don't mean physically but rather in a way that is more meaningful: emotionally.  Women want men who treat them like a lady, can show their feminine side, do kind things, respect her and be a man who takes care of himself.  Here's why: Women like men who treat them like a lady.  A man who opens their doors and brings a flower on a date elicits a positive response because they feel special and honored by a man when he does things that are cavalier.  When a man is a gentleman he places a woman's needs before his own and women want to feel that special vibe. When a man can cry he is in touch with his inner feminine parts.  When a man listens to what women feel and respond with a

There is likely not one realistic person who would not like to be more positive and feel good more often.  For some it seems as though being upbeat is natural yet many people are just good at pretending as though everything is perfectly fine.  For others being positive is difficult because they were raised in a negative thinking environment where everything was looked at with a form of darkness and suspicion.  Then there are those who have gone through so many difficult situations that being joyful and thinking good thoughts has become the hardest thing for them to accomplish. Alexandra grows up being abused, loses her sister to suicide, struggled with her sexual identity, gets two life threatening illnesses and then gets abandoned by her spouse; life is a bit more challenging than a person who has not undergone these difficult situations and in fact things have been great for them.  It is harder for a person to think positive and find their joy when they have had to deal with so muc

Meditation is an very old practise and is a way for us to regroup and reboot before we go out into the world that is often times filled with stressful experiences.  It is a way to silence ourselves and receive the guidance we need to make some difficult decisions and face some hard situations.  Life is not all joy and when we come to a place where things are getting tough the best thing to do is to quiet the mind and take the time to silence the world and all of the chatter inside of us. So, what does meditation do for you? By quieting your mind you give yourself a chance to become calm and centered for the day.  Taking a few minutes of silence is a helpful way to start the day with a clearer mind and and open heart.  Meditation is simply a way to start your day in a way that honors you and that creates a self-understanding that you are important and so is your source: God, Buddha, Angels, Higher Being or Inner guide. Meditation gives us the chance to open our hearts up and recei

Undercover abuse is what some consider to be subtle abuse, the kind one cannot immediately identify as abuse.  Undercover abuse often times includes off center jokes and bullying.  There are many types of underhanded abusive approaches that include competing and jealousy.  Although most of us can identify overt abusive people it is hard to see some more underhanded abuse as abuse.  Mainly because it is so tricky and so well executed.  People who practise undercover abuse are ones who learned it early in life because they were not given permission to say what was on their mind.  Many men are what we call passive aggressive because when they were little they were not afforded an opinion.  Occasionally people say dumb things and may not know that it hurt someone who they said it to, but most of the time abusers are intentional in their criticism, jealousy and competitive nature.  These are some forms of what I have coined as "undercover abuse": Jealousy : Jealousy has long be

I cannot think of any other word that describes the type of abuse I will be talking to you about, than the word "undercover" or "underhanded".  It is the kind of abuse that is disguised and not easily recognized as abuse yet it is as harmful as any other kind of abuse including the physical.  With that said let's look at the various types of undercover abuse: Withholding : This type of abuse involves a partner who withholds love, affection and who shuts down when you will not do what they believe you should do, want to manipulate you or when you demonstrate some sort of concern about their behavior.  This way of being is purposeful and meant to control you and let you know that if you do not comply the consequences are that you will be made to feel unloved and made to feel badly about yourself. Triangulation : This abusive approach is age old and involves someone who pits you against their family or friends and enjoys it.  This is a learned behavior and of

Many of us were not only not taught to set boundaries we were discouraged from doing so.  The idea that we would ask people to treat us a particular way was once considered conceited or selfish.  It was  unheard of for any woman to have expectations and demands of any man even when he did not honor her.  Boundaries were rules that our parents devised and then we learned in school and only people in authority set boundaries and made any rules about how to be treated and the importance of being respected.  \ The lack of learning about boundaries and setting them is foreign to many of us but it is likely the most important thing we will learn as a life skill.  No one on this earth should be void of boundaries as a way for others to not just treat us but how they must honor us.  Women in relationships with abusive men are many times the kind of woman who did not ever think she had a right to insist on being respected and treated in a particular and loving manner.  When we go into relati

I always say to others that becoming our highest self is a matter of seeking out the best of who we already are inside of us.  It is not a magical formula but rather a willingness to go deeper and to become completely honest with our own evalauatin of our own life, not prescribing to the opinions of others but considering those who love us as a resource.  Becoming your best self requires us to: Ask people we love how they percieve us to be both postive and negative:  The people who love us will share what they believe is going on in our life through their loving eyes. People who love us will be honest and share what they think of our behaviors, shortcomings and successes.  If we are open to their input this alone can be useful in helping us to target those areas in our life that need attendtion and change.  Although this is risky asking someone we love to be honest and evaluate us in a loving and compassionate manner can be just the information we need to transfrom our life. Listi

It is truly amazing to me that any person in relationship would have to request an apology and even when they do their partner refuses to do so.  It would be so easy to respond to a request by simply saying: "I am sorry that you felt hurt" or "I could see why you felt hurt and I am sorry".  Even when we insist on being right and when we are in our mind right, it does not hurt to say "I am sorry".  So many people approach relationship with the notion that someone has to be right, someone has to be wrong and then the task becomes how to make the other person wrong.  It is like a contest, a competition, rather than a collaboration between two people who are suppose to love one another. Today I would like to talk about what it would look like to repair a damaged relationship, one that is effected by such things as: infidelity, bullying/verbal abuse, disrespect/dishonoring and lack of romance.  Through my work with couples I have been afforded some great lear

This weekend I attended a party for a friend who was celebrating his birthday.  I was admiring how great he looked for his age when all at once he approached me and began to share his life mishaps using the words "I'm really neavous" in reference to what he was planning which included moving out of state.  He went on to share how much he had been though and how people that know him will refer to his life as a series of bad situations, some sighting how wierd it is that he seems to be there a lot.  After a few minutes of him sharing how positive I am and how my FB posts are uplifting he then went back to more of the fear based sharing.  Finally, it came full circle to my life and a comment about how poorly sales of my art went last summer.  I assured him that it was fine but he continued to say that had he known he would have bought some art from me.   It was at that moment that I realized that he was comfortable in the "negative zone" and that no matter what I s

The last blog I wrote about making a house a home focused on artifacts that express our inner spirit, color that resonates for our personal peace and joy and how loving our home makes for a life inside of it that is one where we want to spend time in our home.  Today I would like to direct your attention to some of the other important aspects of making our house (the structure) a home (a sacred space where we live in harmony with what surrounds us). Here are some additional thoughts around how a house becomes a home and provides us with enjoyment and envelopes us with serenity: Beauty : Beauty in a home is of importance and you don't have to be rich to live in a beautiful environment as some of you may believe.  There are many ways to create beauty that are inexpensive and at the same time lift your spirit when you are inside your sacred space.  Many stores now have discounted furniture and accessories and there are many ways to cut corners and still create something of beauty

The last blog I wrote about making a house a home focused on artifacts that express our inner spirit, color that resonates for our personal peace and joy and how loving our home makes for a life inside of it that is one where we want to spend time in our home.  Today I would like to direct your attention to some of the other important aspects of making our house (the structure) a home (a sacred space where we live in harmony with what surrounds us). Here are some additional thoughts around how a house becomes a home and provides us with enjoyment and envelopes us with serenity: Beauty : Beauty in a home is of importance and you don't have to be rich to live in a beautiful environment as some of you may believe.  There are many ways to create beauty that are inexpensive and at the same time lift your spirit when you are inside your sacred space.  Many stores now have discounted furniture and accessories and there are many ways to cut corners and still create something of beauty

I am literally shocked to see how some people live.  I will not soon forget the horror and utter dismay that came over me when I visited someone's home who'd I had been dating for a year where the very first thing that happened was that my foot went through one of the steps going down to her "condo", and I use the word loosely.  Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to see when I opened the door with the key I was given.  And to be honest I should have run fast in the other direction ASAP when she had no logical explanation for a toilet that was literally brown inside instead of white and cabinet doors that were hanging off one hinge and missing.  As insane a thought as this may be there are many functional citizens who live like this and who in my estimation do not understand the difference between a house (the structure and walls) and a home (a sacred safe clean space that we love).  I think that part of this is priviledged upbringing while most of it

When we think of the devil many of us think of a man with red horns and a type of spear in his hand, although we don't know why he is carrying it other than to persuade us to go to hell with him.  For years I wondered like many others if the devil existed or if in fact he was made up.  It did not help that children were dressing as very cute Devils on Halloween.  It also did not help that girls were dressing up as Devils and that now there were movies like "The Devil Wears Prada".  What I have come to understand and would like to share with all of you that the devil is the ego and the parts of us that are dark, angry, fearful and insecure.  The ego rises up because it is the part of every human being that acts out of darkness and confusion.  We may not want to accept it but the devil dwells in us when we lose sight of who we truly are, spiritual beings having a human experience.  When we know this then the devil can only be in us for a very short time, posing as our egos.

On the show "America's Got Talent" a sincere named Bryan Crum sang and old song entitled "Creep".  Prior to singing his mother shared the pain of her son being bullied in high school and being called a "fag".  She began to cry as she said: "I feel to my knees and prayed".  When he came out and sang the song his rendition of the song made me cry and the judges were looking at one another with dismay at how he hit those high notes like a professional.  The audience jumped up in a standing ovation like no other. This song is about feeling less than and in fact feeling as though one is not good enough and made to feel inferior or flawed and going through such pain as to elicit a feeling of self-hate.  Many of us know that feeling of being a person of color, being an awkward girl or even a disabled person.  Some of us who have been hurt by bullies when we were young not to mention those of us abused by our own parents.  The words, I'm a cree

I don't think that I have ever been more sure of than now that Trump would be a horrible president and that it all starts with the fact that he is the least qualified.  Add to this the fact that he is a criminal that has swindled money via the Trump Institute and his obvious arrogance and the decision is solid, he will not make a good president.  In fact Donald would be a horrific leader for our country.  The fact that he even thought to run for president is likely one of the most outrageous decisions any human being like him could make. What we must understand is that Trump will not give up even if he is not elected president this time around but that he will resurface again in the next four years after the presidential term is up.  Donald as one contestant in his show shared with us on national television is not one to give up and has always gotten what he has wanted in the past.  This endeavor will likely be viewed via the same lens. He will continue to attempt to convince the

Many of us are simply crazy about the thought of being in a "committed relationship" with someone. In fact it has become more and more of a frequent theme in the lives of women who I speak to that are between the ages of 35-45, with some of them thinking about having children before "it is too late".  Whether the other person is a good fit or not being ready to commit does not mean you should.  In fact for the majority of the women who come to me with conversations around commitment I find that they are not just ill prepared but that before they commit they are not looking more closely at whether the man they are considering is a good fit. We are as the movie was titled "Desperately Seeking Susan".  We are so bent on finding ourselves in relationships that we do just about anything to catch the fish only to find out that the fish is not even close to the species we can truly love.  The rate of divorce should be a clear message to us that we are not think