How To Repair A Damaged Relationship
It is truly amazing to me that any person in relationship would have to request an apology and even when they do their partner refuses to do so. It would be so easy to respond to a request by simply saying: "I am sorry that you felt hurt" or "I could see why you felt hurt and I am sorry". Even when we insist on being right and when we are in our mind right, it does not hurt to say "I am sorry". So many people approach relationship with the notion that someone has to be right, someone has to be wrong and then the task becomes how to make the other person wrong. It is like a contest, a competition, rather than a collaboration between two people who are suppose to love one another.
Today I would like to talk about what it would look like to repair a damaged relationship, one that is effected by such things as: infidelity, bullying/verbal abuse, disrespect/dishonoring and lack of romance. Through my work with couples I have been afforded some great learning experiences that have helped other couples.
Infidelity:
A lot of couples believe that infidelity is about sex when in fact it is more about emotional issues that are lacking. Many times men have affairs because their emotional or physical needs are not being met by their wife. Women tend to be more concerned about emotional needs being met and even when the physical needs are not being met they will be loyal if their emotional needs are. Either way, When one or the other partner has an affair it does ot mean that the relationship is doomed for life. It is especially true when men have what we call a "fling" with a woman. This makes it clearly about the need to be attractive and possibly more about what he needs from his partner. It by no means excuses him from doing something that can potentially end his relationship for good. Man couples have been able to overcome indiscretions by forgiving their partner and rebuilding the trust between them. Sometimes this entails full disclosure whereby the guilty party has to give up some what would otherwise be private information like passwords and cell phone texts, while other times long term relationship coaching will help them to construct a way to talk openly about what happened and to share their needs with one another, making sacred agreements that involve a change in the way they hold relationship.
Dishonoring or Disrespect:
I like to call it honoring a person in a relationship. When we honor the person we love we also respect them. When we don't then it is easy to not respect them. The two go hand in hand and we find this out the minute that we do something or say something that is not aligned with love, compassion and the ability to see the value of the other person in our life. What we fail to understand is that our partner deserves the same honor that we often times give to people we work with and people we encounter along the path of life. Where we fail is when we think that it is OK not to acknowledge our partners and fail to truly see them and honor them daily. We dishonor our spouse or partner when we do not see them and show them they matter and that what they feel is important. Working on seeing our partner begins with the notion that we will see them and acknowledge them daily. Every single day, not just some.
Bullying and Verbal abuse:
The most common issue between couples is verbal bullying. Words that are exchanged are ones that are hurtful, judgemental and harsh. Sometimes one party wants to control the other with verbally abusive critical words and this eventually destroys the person being abused self-worth. Although we may all like to think we are null and void to other's opinions of us, the person we love does not fall into that equation. When someone we love is a bully and verbally puts us down this is a horrible way to live in relationship. Bullying can only stop when the bully decides to stop it and when the partner decides that he or she will not take it any longer and that it is not acceptable, period. It is not easy to stop being a bully mainly because this is something one learns early in life. The other side of the coin is the victim's position in the bullying process which unfortunately is sometimes one where the bully is facilitated simply through long term critiques and critical parenting. This is a habit that the bully needs to address with therapy and possibly with a life coach. Over time bullying and verbally abusive behaviors can be rectified if bother the bully and the recipient figure out how to stop it before it starts and the bully gets individual help in seeking out why he or she acts out verbally.
Romance is gone:
When the romance is gone the best thing to do is to become creative at bringing it back to the relationship. Flowers, candlelight dinners, sexy undergarments, toys and date nights are all helpful in instilling romance in a relationship that may be lacking some luster. Being romantic is not just what we think but rather what our partner finds romantic. Asking is the only way to ensure that we are in fact on the right path leading back to bringing that romantic spark back. The important thing about being romantic is to be open to various the variety of ways. A love letter, a card, a compliment and a gesture with ones eyes may be all it takes to bring that spark back.
These are some common issues in relationships and some easy ways to address them. The main factor is a willingness to be wrong and to do better even when we think we are perfectly fine. Listening to what our partner says to us is a crucial part of making relationship work. When we are wrong and we know we have an issue we have to address it individually before we can heal a relationship. Making the other person wrong should never be our goal in a loving relationship but rather making them feel right is much more constructive. Bullying is a habit and one that can have horrible consequences. People who are verbally abuisve need to seek help and also be encouraged to do better by their partners and through honest dialog. Relationships are not easy and many things can be a damaging factor but hard work and honesty can repair many sitautions for many couples who believe that their love matters.
Today I would like to talk about what it would look like to repair a damaged relationship, one that is effected by such things as: infidelity, bullying/verbal abuse, disrespect/dishonoring and lack of romance. Through my work with couples I have been afforded some great learning experiences that have helped other couples.
Infidelity:
A lot of couples believe that infidelity is about sex when in fact it is more about emotional issues that are lacking. Many times men have affairs because their emotional or physical needs are not being met by their wife. Women tend to be more concerned about emotional needs being met and even when the physical needs are not being met they will be loyal if their emotional needs are. Either way, When one or the other partner has an affair it does ot mean that the relationship is doomed for life. It is especially true when men have what we call a "fling" with a woman. This makes it clearly about the need to be attractive and possibly more about what he needs from his partner. It by no means excuses him from doing something that can potentially end his relationship for good. Man couples have been able to overcome indiscretions by forgiving their partner and rebuilding the trust between them. Sometimes this entails full disclosure whereby the guilty party has to give up some what would otherwise be private information like passwords and cell phone texts, while other times long term relationship coaching will help them to construct a way to talk openly about what happened and to share their needs with one another, making sacred agreements that involve a change in the way they hold relationship.
Dishonoring or Disrespect:
I like to call it honoring a person in a relationship. When we honor the person we love we also respect them. When we don't then it is easy to not respect them. The two go hand in hand and we find this out the minute that we do something or say something that is not aligned with love, compassion and the ability to see the value of the other person in our life. What we fail to understand is that our partner deserves the same honor that we often times give to people we work with and people we encounter along the path of life. Where we fail is when we think that it is OK not to acknowledge our partners and fail to truly see them and honor them daily. We dishonor our spouse or partner when we do not see them and show them they matter and that what they feel is important. Working on seeing our partner begins with the notion that we will see them and acknowledge them daily. Every single day, not just some.
Bullying and Verbal abuse:
The most common issue between couples is verbal bullying. Words that are exchanged are ones that are hurtful, judgemental and harsh. Sometimes one party wants to control the other with verbally abusive critical words and this eventually destroys the person being abused self-worth. Although we may all like to think we are null and void to other's opinions of us, the person we love does not fall into that equation. When someone we love is a bully and verbally puts us down this is a horrible way to live in relationship. Bullying can only stop when the bully decides to stop it and when the partner decides that he or she will not take it any longer and that it is not acceptable, period. It is not easy to stop being a bully mainly because this is something one learns early in life. The other side of the coin is the victim's position in the bullying process which unfortunately is sometimes one where the bully is facilitated simply through long term critiques and critical parenting. This is a habit that the bully needs to address with therapy and possibly with a life coach. Over time bullying and verbally abusive behaviors can be rectified if bother the bully and the recipient figure out how to stop it before it starts and the bully gets individual help in seeking out why he or she acts out verbally.
Romance is gone:
When the romance is gone the best thing to do is to become creative at bringing it back to the relationship. Flowers, candlelight dinners, sexy undergarments, toys and date nights are all helpful in instilling romance in a relationship that may be lacking some luster. Being romantic is not just what we think but rather what our partner finds romantic. Asking is the only way to ensure that we are in fact on the right path leading back to bringing that romantic spark back. The important thing about being romantic is to be open to various the variety of ways. A love letter, a card, a compliment and a gesture with ones eyes may be all it takes to bring that spark back.
These are some common issues in relationships and some easy ways to address them. The main factor is a willingness to be wrong and to do better even when we think we are perfectly fine. Listening to what our partner says to us is a crucial part of making relationship work. When we are wrong and we know we have an issue we have to address it individually before we can heal a relationship. Making the other person wrong should never be our goal in a loving relationship but rather making them feel right is much more constructive. Bullying is a habit and one that can have horrible consequences. People who are verbally abuisve need to seek help and also be encouraged to do better by their partners and through honest dialog. Relationships are not easy and many things can be a damaging factor but hard work and honesty can repair many sitautions for many couples who believe that their love matters.
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