Set Good Boundries for Life

Many of us were not only not taught to set boundaries we were discouraged from doing so.  The idea that we would ask people to treat us a particular way was once considered conceited or selfish.  It was  unheard of for any woman to have expectations and demands of any man even when he did not honor her.  Boundaries were rules that our parents devised and then we learned in school and only people in authority set boundaries and made any rules about how to be treated and the importance of being respected.  \

The lack of learning about boundaries and setting them is foreign to many of us but it is likely the most important thing we will learn as a life skill.  No one on this earth should be void of boundaries as a way for others to not just treat us but how they must honor us.  Women in relationships with abusive men are many times the kind of woman who did not ever think she had a right to insist on being respected and treated in a particular and loving manner.  When we go into relationships with anyone: friend, lover, co-worker or business partner boundaries are what makes the relationship between us and them one that is respectful and one that honors us.  When we set boundaries we soon find out if a person can or is willing to abide by them.  

Boundaries are about how you expect to be treated.  They are in no way something we negotiate with others although there will be people who will make it about negotiating.  In fact, our boundaries are suppose to be specific and if others don't understand them and follow them we should always walk away, even if it is a high paying job or a long term marriage.  Nothing can be worse than someone not respecting who we  and what is meaningful and good to us.  Nothing could be any worse than a person who crosses our boundaries but we are asking for it if we do not make them clear.  

I have many boundaries including no jokes about race.  I have boundaries now because of the lack of respect I experienced before when mean comments about people of color were disguised in a joke.  Unfortunately jokes about Latinos are not funny to me no matter how others try to make it seem.  I also do not find jokes about spiritual things funny.  These things are part of my setting clear boundaries about how much I honor Elliott as a man of color and a spiritual being.  Everyone needs to have and share their boundaries with everyone they come into contact with any frequency. 

Living without boundaries is not uncommon for human beings and that is because many of us don't like rules and boundaries are the rules of life.  Yet setting and keeping boundaries are the only way to live a life that is authentic and that honors us in every way as humans.  We know what happens when people do not know boundaries and the horrible things that we have done to one another because of a lack of boundaries.  Boundaries are how we are able to navigate life with much more ease and grace and love.  

I will share this short story with all of you about a gay man whom I counseled and met a man he thought was "the one".  From the beginning there were signs that this person he had met had little to no boundaries and hence little to no respect but like many of us he ignored the red flags.  At first the man was putting on his shoes without permission and then his clothing and eventually was behaving as though he could do as he wished with every personal item my client bought.  Nothing was off limits.  For a time Alex (we will call him) allowed him only making comments when he felt brave enough to do so.  It was so foreign to him that any person would do this that it made it difficult to address.  He hoped it would stop but it never did.  What Alex eventually had to do was to put his foot down and get out of the relationship.  The truth is that this person was not just a person without boundaries or rules he was a classic bully.  Only after Alex became courageous enough to get out of that relationship did he realize that the clothing was only a part of the abuse and disrepesct by someone who felt it was OK to use someone elses' things and not ask.  Someone who felt he had more rights than him.  

We cannot allow anyone to cross the line between respect and disrespect.  We must not ever allow any sort of crossing of our rules of life by anyone who we need to or chose to interact with.  When someone crosses our lines we must leave and not ever look back and do this sooner than later.  The longer we stay with someone who does not respect us the more we will loath ourselves and become self-hating.  The more we honor our own life rules the happier we will always be.  

Is there someone crossing your boundaries, the rules of your life?  If so consider reviewing with them one  more time and if it does not stop, leave immediately and do  yourself a favor, don't look back.