What Is Undercover Abuse?
Undercover abuse is what some consider to be subtle abuse, the kind one cannot immediately identify as abuse. Undercover abuse often times includes off center jokes and bullying. There are many types of underhanded abusive approaches that include competing and jealousy. Although most of us can identify overt abusive people it is hard to see some more underhanded abuse as abuse. Mainly because it is so tricky and so well executed. People who practise undercover abuse are ones who learned it early in life because they were not given permission to say what was on their mind. Many men are what we call passive aggressive because when they were little they were not afforded an opinion. Occasionally people say dumb things and may not know that it hurt someone who they said it to, but most of the time abusers are intentional in their criticism, jealousy and competitive nature. These are some forms of what I have coined as "undercover abuse":
Jealousy:
Jealousy has long been an issue in relationships and there have been many tragedies as a result of men or women becoming jealous of someone in their partner's life. Subtle jealousy comes forward when someone makes comments about the way you are dressed or the fact that you looked at a man when he walked into the room at a party. Jealousy is when someone makes up a story about you and accuses you of being a flirt. In it's minor form jealousy rears it's head when your partner is critical of what you are wearing or rarely compliments you when others do for something you are wearing or something you made or created. Many times mother-in-laws are jealous of their son's wife for no apparent reason and will do things to disrupt her son's marriage. Jealousy is not always identified as abuse but it is.
Competition:
I believe that competition has no place in a relationship or sacred marriage. When one person is always competing with the other about facts, information, money or which one does the most work this is a formula for disaster. Eventually competition leads to arguments about who is right and who is wrong about a subject or an incident. For some competition is more about winning than resolving issues. The common interpretation is a person who competes to be right so that they don't have to change anything in themselves. Instead of negotiating with a person they are in a relationship with they put more effort into making proving that they are at fault and therefor winning the competition in their mind.
Comparing and Criticizing:
When someone wants to make you feel bad they compare you to others. It is another subtle or maybe not so subtle way to make you feel inadequate. Criticism in the limited minds of others is a way to keep you humble. It is sometimes triggered by others complimenting you. Jealousy sets in and then critical comments about you and how you simply are not like this person or that person who is nicer, smarter or more educated. When you are compared to others the intention is to make you feel badly about who you are.
Making you wrong:
Making others wrong is a form of abuse. Constantly trying to make others wrong is a habit that people who are insecure learn early in life when they see it modeled by their parents. Abusers and bullies love to make people wrong even if it is about minor things. When you go through this over and over it becomes a huge burden on your spirit.
Telling your story (your business):
When someone talks about you to others as if you were not there and shares your views about life and love that is rude and abusive. When your partner tells other people that you don't like Susie or that you did not vote for Obama he or she is sharing personal information and should not be doing this without your consent. People who tell your story as I refer to it are many times ones who don't tell their own personal business. They thrive on sharing your story with others and making sure that they elicits a negative response about what you believe or what you did. This is a subtle abuse but nevertheless abuse.
When people do the things that I have shared are abuse they do so in a covert way. At first it cannot be seen clearly nor felt in totality but eventually it has an adverse effect on the person being abused. We must remember that any form of abuse is unacceptable and create boundaries early in relationships. No one is worth tolerating indirect or direct abuse from and if we love ourselves we simply do not tolerate it.
Jealousy:
Jealousy has long been an issue in relationships and there have been many tragedies as a result of men or women becoming jealous of someone in their partner's life. Subtle jealousy comes forward when someone makes comments about the way you are dressed or the fact that you looked at a man when he walked into the room at a party. Jealousy is when someone makes up a story about you and accuses you of being a flirt. In it's minor form jealousy rears it's head when your partner is critical of what you are wearing or rarely compliments you when others do for something you are wearing or something you made or created. Many times mother-in-laws are jealous of their son's wife for no apparent reason and will do things to disrupt her son's marriage. Jealousy is not always identified as abuse but it is.
Competition:
I believe that competition has no place in a relationship or sacred marriage. When one person is always competing with the other about facts, information, money or which one does the most work this is a formula for disaster. Eventually competition leads to arguments about who is right and who is wrong about a subject or an incident. For some competition is more about winning than resolving issues. The common interpretation is a person who competes to be right so that they don't have to change anything in themselves. Instead of negotiating with a person they are in a relationship with they put more effort into making proving that they are at fault and therefor winning the competition in their mind.
Comparing and Criticizing:
When someone wants to make you feel bad they compare you to others. It is another subtle or maybe not so subtle way to make you feel inadequate. Criticism in the limited minds of others is a way to keep you humble. It is sometimes triggered by others complimenting you. Jealousy sets in and then critical comments about you and how you simply are not like this person or that person who is nicer, smarter or more educated. When you are compared to others the intention is to make you feel badly about who you are.
Making you wrong:
Making others wrong is a form of abuse. Constantly trying to make others wrong is a habit that people who are insecure learn early in life when they see it modeled by their parents. Abusers and bullies love to make people wrong even if it is about minor things. When you go through this over and over it becomes a huge burden on your spirit.
Telling your story (your business):
When someone talks about you to others as if you were not there and shares your views about life and love that is rude and abusive. When your partner tells other people that you don't like Susie or that you did not vote for Obama he or she is sharing personal information and should not be doing this without your consent. People who tell your story as I refer to it are many times ones who don't tell their own personal business. They thrive on sharing your story with others and making sure that they elicits a negative response about what you believe or what you did. This is a subtle abuse but nevertheless abuse.
When people do the things that I have shared are abuse they do so in a covert way. At first it cannot be seen clearly nor felt in totality but eventually it has an adverse effect on the person being abused. We must remember that any form of abuse is unacceptable and create boundaries early in relationships. No one is worth tolerating indirect or direct abuse from and if we love ourselves we simply do not tolerate it.
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