Coach Elliott

I use to think: "life, it's complicated".  Now I feel completely the opposite and that is the "life is simple".  In fact what I think is that we complicate our lives by thinking and doing things that make life more difficult. Here's how we complicate life and how to stop: Stinky Thinky: Sometimes referred to as stinking thinking, this is the way that we think ourselves into madness, confusion, insecurity and pain.  We literally think ourselves into a frenzy of darkness and doom.  When we become stinky in our thinking we must catch it and stop it by doing something that we like and know will relax us or bring us into our joyful place.  We can also fight our negative thoughts by having a mantra we repeat like: "I am in a place of love now".  Stinky thinking is common in people who have had more than their share of difficulties in life.  It is not always easy to leave stinky thinking thoughts but it is very possible.  Life is less complicated when

We all know them, the people who can go to hell.  We don't always know how to tell them but we'd like to.  Maybe we shouldn't say it but we sure want to tell them: "go to hell!".  Some may say that this feeling is not normal or that this kind of feeling is just too dark.  To those people I would like to say: "go to hell". I am uncertain about you but I certainly know that there are people who you talk nice to that you should send to hell.  There are even people you wasted years in a relationship with that you should have sent straight to hell.  We are just too polite and like me you were all likely raised to "play nice". Yet it's so interesting how after the fact you wish you'd sent them to hell right away.  We all know that feeling when we just wasted too much time on someone who was a jerk. I would like to advocate for sending people to hell as soon as you know it to be the truth of how you feel.  Holding on to the nice guy syndr

Once I spoke to a man who happened to be from India who felt unhappy  and felt as though he did not have any control over his small children's tantrums.  In fact the couple of times he came to me for advice his children were in the other room breaking a toy and tearing a piece out of a pop up book.  Here was a man who was highly educated and was a doctor who did not have a clue as to what to do to connect with his children.  It prompted me to ask myself: How does a parent connect with children?  Here's how: Find their interest and focus on it: The best way to connect with your children is to find what interests them and do those things with them including talking about it.  When we do this our children feel important and heard by us.  There will be times when we are tempted to do what we like to do with our kids but what is more essential is that we do what they like to do.  By doing what our kids like to do we are participating in their life and saying that their life matte

Love is when SOME  of what you feel and want matters and EVERYTHING  that your partner feels and wants matters. Sandra complains that her boyfriend does not care about how she feels or what her needs or interests are.  She has shared with me that her partner is inconsiderate and thinks mainly about his needs being met including the need for sex.  In fact, when he wants sex he is crude, harsh and forceful, not loving, passionate or sensual.   She has often times thought about getting out the relationship and in fact has avoided marrying her boyfriend.  The big picture is that he is a bully and she is a scornful parent who actually hits him.  She claims her frustration and his bullying name calling behavior is what makes her become physically abusive.  As sad as this story may seem, it is a pattern in many relationships for many couples. Love is when we listen with the intent to be compassionate and understanding and affirming.  All three of these things are loving responses to love.

Flaky friends are those friends who don't show up for you and that seem to only call when they need something.  They are often times late and other times do not show up.  People who are irresponsible do not make great friends and in reality it is better to keep them at a distance.  Loving our friends is a good thing but some of them we must accept for who they are and love them from a distance.  The reality is that some people just don't have what it takes to be present in any relationship, friendship or any other form of relationship. The lack of commitment is the biggest character defect of human kind.  When people have an issue committing they have an issue with making human connections and maintaining them.  As a group we have become less and less committed to intimacy with others because it means that we must do some work and that in that connection we must show up.  We make all types of excuses as to why we cannot show up.  We are busy with work, we have children, we do

If you are anything like me you have pretty much had your fill of winter: the cold weather, the snow removal, the heavy clothing and the wind blowing your fedora off your head.  There are so many ways to fight the winter blues whether you stay indoors or you face it head and go out and play in it. Here are some ways to fight the winter blues:  Legos : If you don't already have a set or two of Legos they are likely one of the most creative ways to spend time indoors.  When you play with Legos you will likely feel child like and accessing that inner child is even more joyful.  There are Legos that have themes like a gas station or an airport.  Playing with your children will also provide some quality time with them. Art : Create a collage with all of the things you love to do in the spring and summer.  Use some old magazines to cut pictures of people riding bikes, swimming in a pool and jogging outdoors.  Make your collage all about fun in the sun.  Cut out words that express

If we want to feel peace then we must be mindful of that.  If we want to feel joy then we must be mindful that we do things that will promote peace.  If we want to be happy then we must mindfully practice things that will create joy in our life.  Mindful practices are ones that are going to lift us up and raise our spirit.  Mindfulness is intentional and purposeful.  It does not happen unless we do things with loving, compassionate and joyous intention.  Whether we do things mindfully for ourselves or others, being mindful is all about creating an experience that is both positive and centered. Here are some mindful things you can do to live a life that is intentionally centered and intentionally peaceful: Mindful Meditation:  This practice is about taking the time to silence everything and to hear the voices of your higher self.  By meditating mindfully you will find the answers to the questions you are asking and experience inner peace. Mindful Actions:  As soon as you awake b

I recently wrote a blog about commercials and how they are meant to make us feel as though we are just not good enough as we are.  Our teeth are not white enough and our skin is not tight enough.  The best way to counteract these false images is to turn off the TV and to silence these negative messages each and every time.  The truth is that we are good enough and we are good enough as we are.  In fact we are perfect as we are and if we don't believe that then we must work on our spirit now and do this work without hesitation. When we feel we are not good enough there there may be a reason in the form of a person or people in our life.  We may be in need of determining which of the people in our life no longer serve our highest good and excuse ourselves from these relationships.  The sooner we understand this and decide to let go of toxic people the better.  Anyone who effects our thoughts of self-worth are not suppose to have a place in our life.  As you lovingly let go of peopl

Commercials are a world all their own and the message that they send to us is that we are simply not good enough.  Our teeth are not white enough, our hair is the wrong color, our age is too old, the hair on our body is ugly, our feet are too rough and our body is fat and flabby.  Yet what people fail to focus on is that our teeth are not suppose to be white, our hair color is the perfect one for us, everyone has a different body structure and our feet wear from usage.  Still, commercials have a life of their own and the effect on us is mostly negative.  The more we watch advertisements that depict humans like Barbies and Kens, the more insecure we feel and the more we will buy products that promise to resolve those flaws that we believe we need to fix. What Americans believe are the myths that retailers want us to believe by making us think we need this or that product in order to be beautiful or complete.  Even pharmaceutical companies make commercials about pills we can take to fe

This is very simple.  Take time every day to be in intentional silence and relaxation of some kind.  This is what is called "a time of reverence".  Taking a time of reverence each day for at least 15 minutes will help you to heal from whatever stresses you may be feeling or that you may encounter.  By taking that time of silence and self-love you are telling your spirit that you are important and that you matter. My favorite place to take a time of reverence is on a mat or rug.  I turn on some meditation music at a nice level of sound so as to have it block out any other sounds in the room or from the outside.  I prop my head up with a pillow and I make sure I have comfortable clothing that is loose fitting.  I then take ten to fifteen deep breaths inhaling for a count of ten and then exhaling all the way out.  I usually inhale through my nose and exhale through the mouth.  This gets me ready for my journey of reverent silent time. When you are taking a time of silence yo

Becoming your best is work and if we are not willing to do the work then we won't become our best.  The only way that transformation takes place is with intention and purpose.  We must be willing to go the extra mile and take the extra time to become the best we can be in each area of our life.  We must also be willing to work at it daily and on an ongoing basis. Here's how: Your Physical Best:  In order to become your physical best you must exercise at least three to four days a week for a minimum of 30 minutes.  You must be willing to cook meals that are healthy and focused on foods that are green or raw.  Being your best physical being requires that you get active, stay active and eat the right healthy foods. Your Spiritual Best:  You can only be your spiritual best if you are doing things daily that are spiritually uplifting or that raise your spirit up.  Daily meditation and prayer is one sure way to becoming your spiritual best but there are more ways to rise up t

There are more people than there are jobs hence companies have a lot of choices.  In fact employers have an advantage because there are more people looking for work now than ever.  Here are some tips for standing out and getting the job: 1. Dress the part: Make sure that you know the dress code for the company you are interviewing for and dress accordingly.  A pair of tan pants and a nice plaid shirt is perfect for an interview with the Gap or Old Navy but not such a good choice for a job at Bmo bank.  If you are unsure of what the dress code is ask and if you are still unsure then wear a navy (not black) suit with a white button down shirt and a rep striped tie in burgundy and navy.   Pair it with some black or brown shoes that are shined up or new.  Of course if you are a female you would pair your suit up with a white cotton blouse and some simple pumps that are not too high or sexy.  Looking the part will get you the initial attention you need to get in the door. 2.  Tailor yo

I believe that everything in life is about our perception and the rest of it is about what we truly want and yearn for in life.  If we want to be miserable then we will but if we want to be happy then we will be more of that.   The first thing to understand is that we are not our old story of the past.  We may have endured some bad things in life but we don't have to hold onto these experiences anymore.  We can and we must move on and away from those negative life situations if we are to start our new story with a happier now and a happier future. The first step to releasing our old story is to write it all down.  Be as graphic as possible and talk about as much of your old story as you want to let go of.  Start with the sentence: In my old story...  Complete your old story with all of the bad experiences you had that you are now ready to let go of whether it was physical abuse or your parents getting a divorce when you were 13.  Your old story could look like this: "In

The first thing that I tell people is: "you are not your old story".  The reason that I share this with them is because we must all release our old story, the one that does not serve us, in order to rise above it.  Our past experiences whether good or bad are not our current story.  We must especially leave the past in the past when it was painful and did not honor us.  For those of us who were abused or were a product of some kind of critical experience we must know that we are not that experience and that we are worthy of a more loving experience from this day forward. People drink and do drugs using their past pain and shame as an excuse.  People also feel that they cannot make it in this world of uncertainty if they don't drink to drown the fear and insecurity.  Whatever the reason that we try to hide the sad or angry feelings inside of us, holding on to them will never heal us.  In fact, holding on will hurt us.  In order to rise above that past pain we must be wil

For most of us the signs are there and they always have been.  We know early on that the person we are with are either right or wrong for us and that we are better off alone.  We stay in bad relationships for many reasons some that seem like really good reasons like not being able to finance our own separate life.  Yet staying in a toxic or unhappy situation will kill our spirit little by little and in the end it will likely end anyway. Some very good reasons to consider leaving a relationship no matter how long you have been in it are: 1. Your beauty is not acknowledged: If you are in a relationship where the other person does not acknowledge your beauty inside and out and does not see your gifts then you are in the wrong relationship.  People who love us will make it a point to let us know how beautiful and talented we are.  When the person who claims to love us does not see our value and say so it is likely time to move on. 2. You are not supported and defended : Whether you

I cannot help to wonder when at 2pm in the afternoon I am still in my robe playing "Liquid Mind" on Pandora.  The music moves me in a way that brings light inside of me.  It is hard to explain but music does motivate me emotionally and meditation music is especially fills me up with light.  For me sometimes I am the light because I intentionally access it by doing things that bring in the light.  I also bring forth the white light by thinking in a way that is loving and kind to myself and giving myself the opportunity to say yes to life in a way that is full and with total consciousness.  We can all bring light into our life and be the light if we invite it in. Are you the light?  I would answer that with a resounding yes!  You are the light and you source it when you are ready to source it.  You bring the light to your life when you live your life in a loving space and thinking with a compassionate heart.  It is not always easy to bring in the light but there are many ways

" You must believe in something greater than what happened ".   Unknown I would not have imagined what was to happen to me and moreover how I would address those challenges.  Divorce, abandonment by a father, the suicidal death of my sister, a bad car accident, the deaths of my grandparents, child abuse, racism, the death of a childhood friend,  verbal abuse, emotional abuse and the abandonment by who I thought was a close friend.  Yet something greater than what happened to me helped me to overcome all of it.  It may not be that I am completely without scaring of some sort but my believing in something greater has helped me to make it not matter what people did to me or the mistakes that I have made. Today when I was watching the Belief Series on OWN about people's various beliefs I understood better that believing is exactly how many of us, if not most of us, have gotten through the tough times in our lives.  It took someone like Oprah to introduce some of the most

First of all rejection is a part of life.  We will all experience some form of rejection if not many forms of it in our life.  We will be rejected by people who feel we are not smart enough, good looking enough, tall enough, skinny enough or talented enough.  For this reason we must know who we are and no matter what others share about us or we think others think of us we will be able to get through any form of rejection. I remember the early stages of dancing salsa when I would ask a girl to dance and she would say no.  It was difficult for me to understand why anyone would reject my offer to dance, especially because I practiced it often and I was a really good dancer.  I also remember the first girl I asked to be my girlfriend who said "no thanks I don't see you that way".  I was devastated and hurt and even felt as though it might have been that I was simply not handsome enough.  When I look back on those days of insecurity and ego I can now laugh, understanding tha

Many people have a house but few consider their house a home or have created a sacred space in their home.  A house is a building where some sleep and eat yet a home is a place that is depicts the people who live in it and is filled with love.  People who spend time in their home do so because they love their home.  In an ideal situation each family member has their own bedroom that doubles as their personal sacred space.  Each person creates a room that is personal and that expresses their interests and inside of it are artifacts that mean something to them.  Yet when you are a couple you normally share a bedroom so that this makes it less likely for either person to have an exclusive space where they can have privacy.  This is why I would encourage couples to create their own space separate from their bedroom.  Some men have referred to their private space as a "man cave".  Whatever you call it (woman's sanctuary for example) each adult should have a place to go to wher

One of the biggest complaints of women is that men are emotionally absent and insensitive.  Obviously if someone is emotionally absent it would be impossible to be sensitive.  We may believe that men are not sensitive but what is really the truth is that there are things that men don't get because they are men.  Nevertheless a man can learn to be sensitive about a lot of things if we listen to to women and what they have to say.  Women are sharing what they need all the time.  Women express their feelings when men listen.  Yet the truth is that a lot of men don't know how to be sensitive and are fearful that being sensitive may mean they are going to be hurt.  Part of the protective mechanism of men is hiding their feelings in an effort not to be hurt or appear weak.  Men can and should be sensitive and here are some ways to be just that: Listen to what the woman is saying and act accordingly: The one thing women say a lot is that men do not listen.  If that many women think

I have been dancing since I could walk.  I literally feel like I may have been born dancing.  I love it so much that I would not know such a joyful life without dance.  I danced every Sunday after church in my living room with some very good Spanish music.  It is a part of my person and my fiber.  It is natural for me to dance and at the same time I have discovered that when I don't dance my spirit is not quite as joyful nor my body.  I find dance very healing in my life and this blog is about sharing that joy with all of you. I believe that when we dance we learn some incredible and important lessons like:  1. How to communicate without words:  When we learn to dance we communicate with a partner without saying anything.  Our body is used in a way that tells the other person what to do next when we lead them.  We learn the subtle signs and when we get the message to turn or go in another direction we do so by being alert and present.  At times we even communicate joy in our fac

I am uncertain as to why more people don't dance, some who say that they have "two left feet".  Then I see the men who watch me dance with a woman at a club who give me a thumbs up and recently two brothers who asked me if I would teach them how to dance salsa.  It is evident to me that there are men and women who would like to learn to dance and who see something joyful when they observe others dancing.  There is a good reason why people are attracted to dancing that don't dance and that is that they see the fun others are having while they watch. Dancing is healing as is any kind of movement.  I think that moving is good for the soul and lifts the spirit.  Most therapists will suggest some form of exercise to people who say that they are unhappy because it is a proven fact that movement helps us to feel emotionally and physically better.  In fact a regimen of exercise helps us stay balanced and dance could be one of the ways we accomplish this self-loving act.  Wh

I think that it is very hard for some people to determine how others might respond to their assertiveness.  For many people, especially women, being assertive is often times interpreted negatively and labels like "pushy" or "arrogant".  I should know this because I have been labeled as "arrogant" for saying what I feel.  As a man of color it is sometimes difficult to be assertive without others thinking that it has something to do with my ethnicity because "Latinos are hot tempered" and other false beliefs.  I also think that there is a sector of people who deem it necessary to label others based on their prejudices whether they are people of color or women.  Being assertive is a part of life and living a life of integrity and honesty.  We cannot not be assertive and succeed in life.  It takes our being as honest as we can be  to get much of what we need and want in life.  We have to be OK with how others interpret our assertiveness and be able t

God always presents to me through others and today was not any exception.  I am constantly called to serve and although I would like to say no at times I know when to say yes and not miss the opportunity to help others to heal and hence heal myself.  I am humbled each time knowing that I am not here to be an onlooker but rather and active participant.  I am here to get involved and stay in my awareness. If it were not for others calling to me I would not be in my own fullness.  I am reminded often that this is my life lesson, to be in my fullness and to know that part of it is to be present for others.  First to be present for myself then to be present for others.  First to love and embrace the man that I am and will become more of and then to embrace other people for exactly who they are and where they are.  If it were not for my connection to others I would not know with such certainty that I am here to serve and connect with every fiber of my body, soul and emotions. God present

There are people I have met over time who have had a variety of agreements with their partners that allow wiggle room when they would like to enjoy a sexual experience with someone else.  In fact there are even "swingers clubs" where coupled and married members meet for the purpose of having physical intimacy with each other.  Then there are of course couples who live together that consist of three people and marriages for example with five wives.  Although many of us feel as though monogamy is more aligned with our beliefs, other arrangements have become more and more common with people who feel that monogamy is not natural.  Who is to say what is best for each relationship?  I am of the opinion that it be left up to consenting adults. Emily was married for over twenty five years and over time she kept many lovers.  To the observer including me her relationship with her husband appeared wonderful.  They were not simply happy, it was delightful to see them interact with eac