Love Is
Love is when SOME of what you feel and want matters and EVERYTHING that your partner feels and wants matters.
Sandra complains that her boyfriend does not care about how she feels or what her needs or interests are. She has shared with me that her partner is inconsiderate and thinks mainly about his needs being met including the need for sex. In fact, when he wants sex he is crude, harsh and forceful, not loving, passionate or sensual. She has often times thought about getting out the relationship and in fact has avoided marrying her boyfriend. The big picture is that he is a bully and she is a scornful parent who actually hits him. She claims her frustration and his bullying name calling behavior is what makes her become physically abusive. As sad as this story may seem, it is a pattern in many relationships for many couples.
Love is when we listen with the intent to be compassionate and understanding and affirming. All three of these things are loving responses to love. Everyone wants to feel understood and heard in a relationship. The very reason they we get into a relationship is so that we have someone who will listen and have an ear of compassion and understanding for us. Yet in many cases we don't listen to our partners and little by little a wedge gets created between people who are on the contrary competitive and listening to us so that they can refute our feelings. This is because they cannot deal with the feelings and ours are a trigger for their insecurities. Still love is when we can listen with compassion and make the other person aware that we care about how they feel and that what they feel is important.
When I was growing up I admired my grandparents relationship and how they loved each other. It was obvious to me all the time that what my grandmother felt always mattered to my grandfather. In addition he was intuitive and would joke with her when he would notice she was in a sad mood. She also seemed to know when he needed attention and was there to give it to him without any regard for how often or how long. Both worked on the relationship all the time, day in and day out. There was this unspoken understanding that what each one felt mattered to the other more than what they were experiencing. That is love.
When we are in a relationship it is important to show love by doing rather than saying. It is not enough to express the words or to occasionally share your feelings. Love is an ongoing process and requires that we do the work. We must understand that what matters is what the other person is feeling because that is the person we are living with each day. Although what we feel matters as well we want our partners to feel like it is important and demonstrate that to us. If we love someone we must be willing to step out of our own needs and wants and make their feelings as important as ours.
Sandra complains that her boyfriend does not care about how she feels or what her needs or interests are. She has shared with me that her partner is inconsiderate and thinks mainly about his needs being met including the need for sex. In fact, when he wants sex he is crude, harsh and forceful, not loving, passionate or sensual. She has often times thought about getting out the relationship and in fact has avoided marrying her boyfriend. The big picture is that he is a bully and she is a scornful parent who actually hits him. She claims her frustration and his bullying name calling behavior is what makes her become physically abusive. As sad as this story may seem, it is a pattern in many relationships for many couples.
Love is when we listen with the intent to be compassionate and understanding and affirming. All three of these things are loving responses to love. Everyone wants to feel understood and heard in a relationship. The very reason they we get into a relationship is so that we have someone who will listen and have an ear of compassion and understanding for us. Yet in many cases we don't listen to our partners and little by little a wedge gets created between people who are on the contrary competitive and listening to us so that they can refute our feelings. This is because they cannot deal with the feelings and ours are a trigger for their insecurities. Still love is when we can listen with compassion and make the other person aware that we care about how they feel and that what they feel is important.
When I was growing up I admired my grandparents relationship and how they loved each other. It was obvious to me all the time that what my grandmother felt always mattered to my grandfather. In addition he was intuitive and would joke with her when he would notice she was in a sad mood. She also seemed to know when he needed attention and was there to give it to him without any regard for how often or how long. Both worked on the relationship all the time, day in and day out. There was this unspoken understanding that what each one felt mattered to the other more than what they were experiencing. That is love.
When we are in a relationship it is important to show love by doing rather than saying. It is not enough to express the words or to occasionally share your feelings. Love is an ongoing process and requires that we do the work. We must understand that what matters is what the other person is feeling because that is the person we are living with each day. Although what we feel matters as well we want our partners to feel like it is important and demonstrate that to us. If we love someone we must be willing to step out of our own needs and wants and make their feelings as important as ours.
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