Coach Elliott

I will be damed because what I think is that grilled cheese has to be right and that soup goes well with it, especially if the soup is home made.  Not only did my assistant make me some homemade soup she made it from leftovers: leftover chicken, leftover spinach and left over  potatoes.  I was thrilledto announce   to her that the soup was impeccable although I'd had my doubts looking at it as the colors did not make for a pretty picture. Now it is time to call the dog sitter and you may ask why I am calling when i don't have a dog?  well, i have a friend who has one who will be visiting me from Indiana.  Instead of having her bring her dog with her, I am allergic, I am paying to have him sat at a clinic.  I am more than happy to do this for her as she is one of many women in my life who has served and loved me for many many years. I am of all things rewinding the movie and again feeling like Streep is my freaking idol.  She is the person in the movie who is the main charac

The things that make me laugh are usually the things that others might find offensive these days.  Like when the girl that plays the receptionist in The Devil Wears Prada asks the caller to spell Dolce as in Dolce Gabana.  It simply sent me over the edge even though as I said no one would laugh but me.  That is the beauty of life and frankly all I live for now is to laugh and make others laugh as well.  My pastor being one of those people.  He never fails to point out how candid I am and just how scary it is for him to listen to me recite one four letter word atop another.  He is maybe both shocked and yet it seems he is amused.   I am really not funny.  Funny is in the eyes of the beholder as is beauty.  I am funny to me and I "crack myself up".  When I say this to others they look at me as though I have two heads and the truth is that I do have more than one head and that I am a bit strange.  I think nothing of dropping the F bomb, I talk about sex with women and I say

Once again I am planning another week of radiation and each week I get more and more weak and I struggle to get there and get home each day getting up at 430 in the morning.  I keep praying that I can get to the end of this although it does not feel like that time will ever come.  The pain is higher and the pills for pain are stronger yet the fight is harder and harder.  With the physical comes the emotional and the emotional effecting my physical state of being. Every day I decide to be grateful that I got up and I am alive and given another day.  Every day I try to be normal and drink coffee and even stop at Starbucks to get coffee on the way to my treatments.  I think at first that I cannot do it anymore but then I do it again and somehow I get through the day.  This week I have a friend helping me out who has agreed to take a week and gift it to assisting me, going to the treatments with me and supporting and loving me. I admit that now it has come to the place where I am very

Why is it that the subject of snatchers has not come up for a long time?  I want to excuse myself by stating that I too buy into this notion of opinions and unfortunately too many opinions make me worried and so I stopped writing about snatchers.  Besides how many kinds of snatchers could there be left?  Well as it turns out there are many more and more than I ever imagined.  Now I get to start over again because the woman in my home cleaning every crevice of this beautiful house is working overtime just likes she did yesterday.  So far she snatched the silence and possibly the sunshine from outside that I'd been allowing in through the window that she closed the curtains on.  But who am I to judge? My friend Cary told me that I need 'anger management" and I think he is right, except that he is the best source of anger I have ever known in my life, and untreated to boot.  Not one session of counseling, coaching or mentoring and working as a nurse in a hospital without an

This line in the Marilyn Monroe used in one of her finest works just sent me over the edge.  She says: " that wasn't barking" in response to someone asking her what she said to some man.  In the movie she later throws some diamonds off the stage to a man who appears to be a "nerd" and interestingly enough a man who appears to be a soft spoken one who insists that she not stand out any more than she has to, which for Marilyn is impossible obviously.  How would a woman like Marilyn go un noticed?  How funny would that truly be to all who know her in real life with the exception of one woman who referred to her as a slut.  My response was that the Kennedy men were the sluts.  Of course "One Week with Marilyn" was a slice in the life of a woman who in real life was who she was and certainly a much higher version of Judy Tyler who called her a slut and who in high school apparently was a little bit of a slut herself.  God I hope she doesn't read this.

I failed to mention that on one of my shopping excursions in the city I happened across a skirt.  Not just any skirt but one that is likely designed after some native land.  I put it on over my gym pants anad realized that as my sister said, " I rocked it ".  Yesterday I wore the skirt for about the tenth time since I bought it and once again I felt like a goddess man for ten hours.  I wore it with a pair of boots that are a cross between a fry boot and a cowboy boot, not too much to the left or right of a design that is mod and cool and manly too.  The combination of this, a shirt with black and white pattern and a black fitted jacket put the whole look into prespective.  I enjoyed every moment as I walked from place to place and room to room even taking a nap at my good friends party last night.  I so enjoy tapping into my feminine energy.  I enjoy the feeling that I get when I wear it and other materials that I have wrapped as a skirt in the past.  The key element for me i

I would not normally equate my birthday with cancer if it were not for the fact that it happens to be two facts that sometimes we cannot seperate.  The compassion I have around my illness is heightened by the fact that I do have a challenge in my life at this point and time.  It just so happens to be my 60th birthday today.  This seems like an opportunity to raise my vibration and to find my heart in order to celebrate my life and to allow others to participate in a dinner party later at my favorite place.  There will be laughter no matter what and there will be tears if there needs to be.  I won't hold back and yet I will do with this day the best that I know how and live in the highest place of love so that no one and nothing will steal my joy or snatch my happiness.  I wish myself the best birthday of all today and know that it will be as I predict it to be, joyful and full of love. IN THE PAST I would go on vacations for my birthdays and this year with all the wonders and the

The moment I feel pressured I lose it these days.  I have so little in reserve.  I have so little to say when the going gets rough.  I of course like anyone else lose my composure and even run.  these days it is easy to go there given my not so nice x.  god bless his culo.  Kidding, really kidding.  I cannot keep staying up all night wondering how much he should suffer for being an asshole.  Then the truth comes to light and that is that we are all assholes.  Right!  We are all assholes!  What a big stunning surprise.  We are all assholes.  I am one, you are one, everyone is one. I am still trying to figure out this weekend and the upcoming week of chemo added the hot spot radiation.  I am not hot enough and now to add insult to injury I am going to be cooked some more.  I am so hoping that I will be able to tolerate it better this time.  Last week of it I was sick as hell and even though I have a voice sometimes even I cannot hear it.  Bless my soul and Jerry Chester too.  He called

Like other days in my life today I love a life that is cancer free but not so cancer free.  I live a life where I say, "cancer cures everything" and I believe this with all my heart.  Even if the spell correct does not work on this flipping application and this blog spot.  I beg to deter myself because honestly it bugs me that this freaking program is so odd. Like any other day I went to the cancer treatments and they are burning the hell out of me.  I then got home ate lunch with my friend Donna doll as my x husband refers to her and then took a client on.  Full force.  Then once again the Winetka Police department called me to threaten to arrest me over some crap one of my x husband's friends said that I said.  I hope they are not reading this blog but frankly I think she is what she said, " a cunt".  Bless her heart as the  southerners would say.  I say the same.  I want to instruct all of you readers to csll the police in Winnetka who don't have a fuck

Cancer is as hard as life gets let me just say it once.  Maybe not.  The thing is that on top of the cancer I am being bullied like a horse.  A friend of my former X husband has made it her mission to contact me and threaten me then tell the police when I tell her off, never once giving her any fuel but defending my spirit so I won't die with any anguish and setting my boundaries so the bitch knows I have them.  On top of it she is on my lists of contacts and I cannot find her.  The woman is one person that I always told him I totally thought was toxic and completely insular.  Now that I think of it that might describe me?  OMG, LOL, LMAO and BFF.  I want to be clear in saying this is some north shore white woman who is likely intimidated by the mear fact that I am a man of color?  I am so not sure but she is a "train wreck" which is what I have been saying all along.  Now she wants to be in my life in a negative manner.  Hateful hateful, goddess bless her and put her to

For a couple of months now I have been trying to figure out where this so called husband ran off to and now it is official, he is not coming back.  As sad as this seems I believe that in the end it may be for  my highest good even in the middle of crazy stupid cancer.  Although there is a part of me that is devastated there is definitely another part of me that is absolutely relieved.  During the ten years it was truly difficult to be bullied emotionally and toyed with in ways that I cannot ever say aloud anymore. Besides what good would it do? Today is today.  It is another day two of five in therapy that will either kill the cancer or kill me or both.  I am hoping it just kills the cancer.  I am hoping that I get through this in some form that still looks human to me and that I can live with the rest of my life.  Already with two operations and another struggle eliminating I fear the best but also fear the worse.  I pray for salvation of the heart in all of this as I struggle with

This is a continuation of my last blog.  Cancer does not kill emotions do.  In reality it is our emotional state that is going to dictate our healthy meter.  We are as sick as our secrets and our emotions.  We are as unfortunate in our cancer causation as we are a victim of our feelings.  Sometimes it is better to not involve our feelings because it is simply not healthy at the time.  It is better to initiate a healing by addressing our own emotions in a safe space.  The more we know that the less likely someone else will steal our serenity and cause us to become severely and even a little ill.  God has this plan for us and it does not seem to include allowing poisoners venom of emotions from those who simply don't love us.  We don't have to be held hostage by anyone for any reason.  Once we know that then we will not likely see another form of caner causing things in our life because we have said no to the agent of cancer. I lived for four and then ten years with cancer caus

As I begin the gruling process of more radiation and early morning appointments as well as stitches coming out on Tuesday, I start with a new attitude of optimism and gratitude.  I feel abandoned but I feel empowered at the same time.  I feel hurt and yet I feel healed more over.  I sense that this week may be a little easier than last week because the chemo is taking a break although it will be back the last week.  I think I have about three or four more weeks of this and I pray my fragile body will be able to take the treatments and turn them into a healing experience.  My heart is racing today with all types of thoughts but with my grandchild who is only 13 in the other room I have to be as composed as possible.  No way she is going to suffer in the morning for my dilemma.  No way she should see me upset or throwing up so I took that dam pill to help me out folks. To all of you this morning I would ask that you put your situation into prospective.  I would ask that you look at you

I have a lively life and today I realized when I fell of my bike and sobbed in secret for an hour that my life is what it is moment by moment.  I secretly cried because I did not want anyone to see me like that.  In fact, when and if I start to go I would rather not do so in front of too many people.  I am almost sure that only my daughter Camille will be there like she was when her grandma died and like she was today crying with me and my asking her to forgive my shortcomings.  And I must add that I have many. Today I have to send love to my husband who did the best he could do and my oldest kid who has suffered at times in silence.  I know that each of us has done the best we can do.  We are all so insular and selfish at times and I am paying my dues for whatever I did.  I need to make amends with all of you and all of me.  I love my partner and I hope he does well no matter where he goes and how he gets there.  Life is life and all of us deserve to walk away when we cannot deal wi

I am a bit miffed to start my day throwing up but it is a reminder that things are not always to go as wee would like things to be.  I am reminded of my human condition over and over again.  I hate cancer and mostly I am hating being sick and maybe the side affects of the chemo and the burning of the radiation.  I wonder how far we have really come in the journey of curing this awful illness.  It seems so slow.  I keep asking god to heal me and to heal others around me each and every day.  I feel like I need to pray but it is hard to do that when you are tired and ill.  My heart is slower and my mind is not so sharp even though last night I went out with my kid to a comedy show featuring a man who has had cancer and survived it.  The story of his life was my life.  The story of his life and the fact that he could make it funny is our story and evcen though I don't know him, I am so proud of him .  Wow.  What a brave and courageous man.  What a cool guy to be willing to tell about i

I don't love to look back at the times when my dude hit me with the door on the face. Recently he did so again when I chased him into his room after insulting me and treating me like crap.  Admittedly it was one of those times when I just let him have the upper hand.  This time I pushed him back and I could feel the rage around me thinking that if he hurt me I would go nuts this time.  For ten years I heard the racist jokes, the criticizing of my clothes, body and mind.  For ten years I swallowed every direct hit that was coached as a joke about bing Puerto Rican and making up that I was Spaniard.  For all those years his parents and family kept insulting me indirectly and directly based on everything they could find wrong with me and for ten years he forced me to say and do things sexually thatwere  simply not in my nature, calling me a bitch and whore in jest.  I endured so much abuse that there were many times when I wanted to leave but in public even my family thought he was gr

It is typically a bad day when one goes from walking to bent over with pain.  It is a little more challenging when one goes from chemo to radiation and then needs a wheelchair to navigate to the hospital lobby.   I was amused at how my day unfolded and so I will recant it for the fun of it and then go into how it was to be a disabled man for two hours.  It was an eye opener to say it nicely. I got up early to go to a radiation appointment and by 7am I was as cute as I could be.  As I prepared to leave my friend's high rise she walked of her bedroom and bid me a farewell.  My what a glorious send off I thought.  Downstairs my daughter Camille awaited with our black Camry and a smile only she could have on her face at such an early time.  Suddenly I felt even better.  On the way to the appointment I started to feel sick and needed to open the car door and let some vomit right out.  It was unpleasant but it felt like I was safe.  This happened three times on the way and on of all st