Cancer Abandons Us
For a couple of months now I have been trying to figure out where this so called husband ran off to and now it is official, he is not coming back. As sad as this seems I believe that in the end it may be for my highest good even in the middle of crazy stupid cancer. Although there is a part of me that is devastated there is definitely another part of me that is absolutely relieved. During the ten years it was truly difficult to be bullied emotionally and toyed with in ways that I cannot ever say aloud anymore. Besides what good would it do?
Today is today. It is another day two of five in therapy that will either kill the cancer or kill me or both. I am hoping it just kills the cancer. I am hoping that I get through this in some form that still looks human to me and that I can live with the rest of my life. Already with two operations and another struggle eliminating I fear the best but also fear the worse. I pray for salvation of the heart in all of this as I struggle with abandonment and struggle to accept what is being forced onto me. I think in the end I will become a better person for it and that I will survive this as I have other things and the stuff of men these past years. What I know is that I am not going to stay in a relationship that has been hurtful and so one sided. The irony is that I would had he apologized or admitted to any wrong doing. That has not nor will ever happen.
Today starts the first day of the rest of my crazy stupid cancer fight. I will keep fighting till the bitter end and hopeful won't be financially devastated from the part that I would have to pay. Even though I ended up getting shot down by someone I thought loved me I hope that I can get enough insurance to cure it and live a few more years. I just wish it were not so painful and coupled with this kind of hatred and animosity. I just wish it were not like this.
I sometimes ask myself how I got here to where I feel such loneliness and sometimes despair. I sometimes think I deserve everything I get and that I brought it on me. I am tough with myself and then wonder why people are so cruel to me. When I walk to slow people want me to get out of the way and when I walk to fast they think nothing is wrong with me. Either way I get the opposite reactions than the ones would deem loving. Either way it is confusing to me why people would chose to be so insular and uncaring. Are we all in that much pain? Do we all have that much anger inside of us? Some days I don't even want to know the answer to that question. It becomes overwhelming to think about how our egos are so taking over and we are so invested.
Today I forgive myself for every mistake I have made in my life and for hurting others. I make amends with myself. I forgive Elliott and I forgive Cary. I see the little light that was a relationship
and I let go lovingly so that I can move into a new place of love. Today I understand that no matter how angry I am there is nothing that will cure me but love. Hate is an illusion and it is not going to be a healing agent. Hate begets hate and will grow almost without any water or nurturing. It seems that toxic and it is. Today I chose to love Elliott and everything and everyone around me. Today on this cold day outside I will be warm inside my heart. Today I will send light to those I perceive as my enemies. Today I will be in reverence and respect all day.
Today is today. It is another day two of five in therapy that will either kill the cancer or kill me or both. I am hoping it just kills the cancer. I am hoping that I get through this in some form that still looks human to me and that I can live with the rest of my life. Already with two operations and another struggle eliminating I fear the best but also fear the worse. I pray for salvation of the heart in all of this as I struggle with abandonment and struggle to accept what is being forced onto me. I think in the end I will become a better person for it and that I will survive this as I have other things and the stuff of men these past years. What I know is that I am not going to stay in a relationship that has been hurtful and so one sided. The irony is that I would had he apologized or admitted to any wrong doing. That has not nor will ever happen.
Today starts the first day of the rest of my crazy stupid cancer fight. I will keep fighting till the bitter end and hopeful won't be financially devastated from the part that I would have to pay. Even though I ended up getting shot down by someone I thought loved me I hope that I can get enough insurance to cure it and live a few more years. I just wish it were not so painful and coupled with this kind of hatred and animosity. I just wish it were not like this.
I sometimes ask myself how I got here to where I feel such loneliness and sometimes despair. I sometimes think I deserve everything I get and that I brought it on me. I am tough with myself and then wonder why people are so cruel to me. When I walk to slow people want me to get out of the way and when I walk to fast they think nothing is wrong with me. Either way I get the opposite reactions than the ones would deem loving. Either way it is confusing to me why people would chose to be so insular and uncaring. Are we all in that much pain? Do we all have that much anger inside of us? Some days I don't even want to know the answer to that question. It becomes overwhelming to think about how our egos are so taking over and we are so invested.
Today I forgive myself for every mistake I have made in my life and for hurting others. I make amends with myself. I forgive Elliott and I forgive Cary. I see the little light that was a relationship
and I let go lovingly so that I can move into a new place of love. Today I understand that no matter how angry I am there is nothing that will cure me but love. Hate is an illusion and it is not going to be a healing agent. Hate begets hate and will grow almost without any water or nurturing. It seems that toxic and it is. Today I chose to love Elliott and everything and everyone around me. Today on this cold day outside I will be warm inside my heart. Today I will send light to those I perceive as my enemies. Today I will be in reverence and respect all day.
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