Cancer and Forgiveness

I have a lively life and today I realized when I fell of my bike and sobbed in secret for an hour that my life is what it is moment by moment.  I secretly cried because I did not want anyone to see me like that.  In fact, when and if I start to go I would rather not do so in front of too many people.  I am almost sure that only my daughter Camille will be there like she was when her grandma died and like she was today crying with me and my asking her to forgive my shortcomings.  And I must add that I have many.

Today I have to send love to my husband who did the best he could do and my oldest kid who has suffered at times in silence.  I know that each of us has done the best we can do.  We are all so insular and selfish at times and I am paying my dues for whatever I did.  I need to make amends with all of you and all of me.  I love my partner and I hope he does well no matter where he goes and how he gets there.  Life is life and all of us deserve to walk away when we cannot deal with it.  Cancer is very scary and I understand his anger around it.  I did not do anything to make that happen or create it.

Now what I need to say to all of you is that if I have said or done anything to offend you to please forgive me as I have forgiven myself.  I have forgiven others in this manner.  and in the same way that I have expected it and wanted and prayed for it.

A shout out to Cary: love you and miss you.  A shout out to my daughters: thank you and all the love you have given me. I am such a lucky man.  A big shout out to my docs: Neal French, Mary Mulcahy, McGee, John Hayes, all wonderful human beings.  I so love them for taking care of me.  I don't want to forge the nurses who have been rock stars and loving and kind.  They do a lot of the work and tolerate all kind of attitude from me.

Today I ask all of you to forgive it all: rape, incest, hatred, bullying.  We all have our own passive aggressive shit to deal with.  May we grow from it.  I can only heal completely from my cancer when I am in a place of complete fogiving.  Love you all.
love coach elliott





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