Joy Snactcher

I don't love to look back at the times when my dude hit me with the door on the face. Recently he did so again when I chased him into his room after insulting me and treating me like crap.  Admittedly it was one of those times when I just let him have the upper hand.  This time I pushed him back and I could feel the rage around me thinking that if he hurt me I would go nuts this time.  For ten years I heard the racist jokes, the criticizing of my clothes, body and mind.  For ten years I swallowed every direct hit that was coached as a joke about bing Puerto Rican and making up that I was Spaniard.  For all those years his parents and family kept insulting me indirectly and directly based on everything they could find wrong with me and for ten years he forced me to say and do things sexually thatwere  simply not in my nature, calling me a bitch and whore in jest.  I endured so much abuse that there were many times when I wanted to leave but in public even my family thought he was great when in the background I was drowning in his abuse.  I like many people were so weary of being alone that I would have done anything short of killing someone on demand for him.  I was worn and spent and after five years I just knew I should walk away when I met a wonderful professor from DePaul the very school he'd graduated from. How can such an educated man be so clueless about life and love?  How can one man know so little about life skills and not know who to keep his home or his private parts clean?  What happened to my boundaries when he demanded for me to bring men home for his pleasure?  How would I ever be able to live with myself after following his lead and being just as low as he was?

I forgive myself for believing that he could control me and I forgive myself for allowing him to make me believe I needed to bring him a  man in order for things to be right.  I forgive  myself for allowing him to snatch my dignity and soul.  I allowed it and no matter how much love was there, it was my full awareness that allowed it to happen.  I am the person who allowed him to snatch my bodyand humiliated   myself by being with him and participating in the game. It was my choice and I made the wrong choices over and over with him for ten years.













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