Cancer Pressure

The moment I feel pressured I lose it these days.  I have so little in reserve.  I have so little to say when the going gets rough.  I of course like anyone else lose my composure and even run.  these days it is easy to go there given my not so nice x.  god bless his culo.  Kidding, really kidding.  I cannot keep staying up all night wondering how much he should suffer for being an asshole.  Then the truth comes to light and that is that we are all assholes.  Right!  We are all assholes!  What a big stunning surprise.  We are all assholes.  I am one, you are one, everyone is one.

I am still trying to figure out this weekend and the upcoming week of chemo added the hot spot radiation.  I am not hot enough and now to add insult to injury I am going to be cooked some more.  I am so hoping that I will be able to tolerate it better this time.  Last week of it I was sick as hell and even though I have a voice sometimes even I cannot hear it.  Bless my soul and Jerry Chester too.  He called today and made me feel like I meant something to someone.  It is after all my birthday tomorrow and no one seemed to have noted that as yet.  Whatever anyone does I am booking a dinner party at Francesca where my ashes will someday be spread.  What wonderful real Italian food.  Wow.

As I dig in the archives of my life I can see such joy today.  I feel better than I did yesterday and the day before when frankly yesterday I was ready to shoot myself in the mouth.  Not that I would do it but surely it seemed like an option.  NO sleep will d that shit to you.  Jesus.  I would much rather dance in the kitchen. So I called Daynae and asked her to come by and sell me a house.  The BMW is next!  What am I thinking?  Well all of you know the answer to that question, let's be honest.  Today I danced and tomorrow is another day.  Yesterday I slept all day and night.  I was exhausted finally to the point where it could not be any other way.  I talked to Kate who is my love these days and to my wife who was and is my first love.  After that I felt the gentle nudging of sleep.  I know I slept over eight hours and if I had not I would be dead, or at least it feels like that.  AS I write my blog today I see light where I'd not seen it before.  Thank you god.  Thank you for moving my energy from shit to love, from desperation and hopeless thoughts to wanting to live in my fullest vibration.  Don't make any decisions just yet and especially don't shoot yourself in the mouth, your toe or your ass.  Become the loving person you can be and let go of that which makes you think that is is over fro you, because it's not.
coach elliott








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