CANCER HEALS WITH LOVE
It is typically a bad day when one goes from walking to bent over with pain. It is a little more challenging when one goes from chemo to radiation and then needs a wheelchair to navigate to the hospital lobby. I was amused at how my day unfolded and so I will recant it for the fun of it and then go into how it was to be a disabled man for two hours. It was an eye opener to say it nicely.
I got up early to go to a radiation appointment and by 7am I was as cute as I could be. As I prepared to leave my friend's high rise she walked of her bedroom and bid me a farewell. My what a glorious send off I thought. Downstairs my daughter Camille awaited with our black Camry and a smile only she could have on her face at such an early time. Suddenly I felt even better. On the way to the appointment I started to feel sick and needed to open the car door and let some vomit right out. It was unpleasant but it felt like I was safe. This happened three times on the way and on of all streets LSD which is one of the busiest roads in Chicago, and where all these folks are in a big hurry to get to work. I could only think "Elliott, no one knows you are sick and that you have cancer", they are trying to get to work. Then I asked my kid to put on the emergency lights and drive slowly to which she did and this helped us.
I finally get to my appointment after almost being run over by pedestrians in a very big hurry to get to work only to find out that for some reason my appointment was cancelled. I was floored. In the interim I get a call from another department in the hospital about chemo a pic line that needed to be inserted. I rushed to that department, they threw it in (not pleasant but not bad) and away I went. By this time I was smelling the cancer on my body and wishing I could take a shower. I felt pretty weak but thought, "i will stay on the wheelchair" and I will see what it is like to be disabled. What I uncovered was amazing. My whole day took a turn and I as unsure as to where. Now on the line I have a person from the hospital asking me about my last stay at the hospital and darkness came froward but as usual laughter prevailed. I had successfully squeezed blood out of the turnip.
Now in my new mode of walking, a wheelchair, I went to get an energy drink that was filled with loving vitamins and fresh greens and fruit. In front of me I ask the man to please allow me to see the menu and he barked at me as if I'd hit him in the face. It was like he was mad at me for needing something. Wow, have I lived with men just like that almost all my adult life! Wow. What a big surprise. Golly gee. After this one male bullying experience it went uphill and immediately a woman asked me if she could be of help right in front of his face. I could not help to think what a medley of back in your face, his face, that was. How ironic. Yet he did not take me from my center nor did he take my Buda. I loved it. So now begins the uphill climb.
I drink my juice and I keep noting moment by moment that to the males I was a burden and in their way and to the women I was a limited maybe disabled man who they smiled at. Several women offered to help me and over and over I encountered anger from men. In fact at one point a young lady saw me struggling to get up the curve on the street as the light changed and immediately got my skinny ass up the curve and safe, Right after that the next woman pushed the disabled button on the door I was struggling with and let me into the next building. All day from visiting the Apple store to Zara I saw that when one is visibly challenged people notice you and seem more helpful. I only wished I had filmed it all from start to finish when at one point a lady in her wheelchair looked at me like "oh we are both cute and disabled". It was awesome. Moment by moment in stores and elsewhere people just became more and more willing to be nice to me. It was a different brand of nice because if was sincere and it had compassion inside of it and outside of it. It was an experience of joy and of sadness.
Then at lunch with a friend I uncover that the story of molestation that her friend told me as well was the same one that I heard about ten years ago and I began to sob. Both of us were crying when we realized how unhealed we ll are and how unhealed our angry loved one was right here and now. Someone we both loved was in so much pain and neither of us really got it. I would still feel guilty about this unknowing but what I figured out is that this not knowing did not make me a bad anything. This not knowing was just not knowing. I admit that it was a relief to let those tears flow. Now what I believe is that we all need to be in this kind of awareness and love at all times realizing fully that our pain is not our pain but rather a collective pain.
Today I started out throwing up but ended growing up, learning from every good and bad vibe and vibration. Today I grew older but wiser or is it wiser and older? Today my life turned into a dream and my realities did not hurt so much. I thought less about the pain and more about the love. Today I got to be really a little more like a disabled person and learned that there is life after running and that even in a chair I am a boy on fire. This boy is on fire!
Dedicated to all Americans without insurance and who are suffering from illness and have no wheelchair.
I got up early to go to a radiation appointment and by 7am I was as cute as I could be. As I prepared to leave my friend's high rise she walked of her bedroom and bid me a farewell. My what a glorious send off I thought. Downstairs my daughter Camille awaited with our black Camry and a smile only she could have on her face at such an early time. Suddenly I felt even better. On the way to the appointment I started to feel sick and needed to open the car door and let some vomit right out. It was unpleasant but it felt like I was safe. This happened three times on the way and on of all streets LSD which is one of the busiest roads in Chicago, and where all these folks are in a big hurry to get to work. I could only think "Elliott, no one knows you are sick and that you have cancer", they are trying to get to work. Then I asked my kid to put on the emergency lights and drive slowly to which she did and this helped us.
I finally get to my appointment after almost being run over by pedestrians in a very big hurry to get to work only to find out that for some reason my appointment was cancelled. I was floored. In the interim I get a call from another department in the hospital about chemo a pic line that needed to be inserted. I rushed to that department, they threw it in (not pleasant but not bad) and away I went. By this time I was smelling the cancer on my body and wishing I could take a shower. I felt pretty weak but thought, "i will stay on the wheelchair" and I will see what it is like to be disabled. What I uncovered was amazing. My whole day took a turn and I as unsure as to where. Now on the line I have a person from the hospital asking me about my last stay at the hospital and darkness came froward but as usual laughter prevailed. I had successfully squeezed blood out of the turnip.
Now in my new mode of walking, a wheelchair, I went to get an energy drink that was filled with loving vitamins and fresh greens and fruit. In front of me I ask the man to please allow me to see the menu and he barked at me as if I'd hit him in the face. It was like he was mad at me for needing something. Wow, have I lived with men just like that almost all my adult life! Wow. What a big surprise. Golly gee. After this one male bullying experience it went uphill and immediately a woman asked me if she could be of help right in front of his face. I could not help to think what a medley of back in your face, his face, that was. How ironic. Yet he did not take me from my center nor did he take my Buda. I loved it. So now begins the uphill climb.
I drink my juice and I keep noting moment by moment that to the males I was a burden and in their way and to the women I was a limited maybe disabled man who they smiled at. Several women offered to help me and over and over I encountered anger from men. In fact at one point a young lady saw me struggling to get up the curve on the street as the light changed and immediately got my skinny ass up the curve and safe, Right after that the next woman pushed the disabled button on the door I was struggling with and let me into the next building. All day from visiting the Apple store to Zara I saw that when one is visibly challenged people notice you and seem more helpful. I only wished I had filmed it all from start to finish when at one point a lady in her wheelchair looked at me like "oh we are both cute and disabled". It was awesome. Moment by moment in stores and elsewhere people just became more and more willing to be nice to me. It was a different brand of nice because if was sincere and it had compassion inside of it and outside of it. It was an experience of joy and of sadness.
Then at lunch with a friend I uncover that the story of molestation that her friend told me as well was the same one that I heard about ten years ago and I began to sob. Both of us were crying when we realized how unhealed we ll are and how unhealed our angry loved one was right here and now. Someone we both loved was in so much pain and neither of us really got it. I would still feel guilty about this unknowing but what I figured out is that this not knowing did not make me a bad anything. This not knowing was just not knowing. I admit that it was a relief to let those tears flow. Now what I believe is that we all need to be in this kind of awareness and love at all times realizing fully that our pain is not our pain but rather a collective pain.
Today I started out throwing up but ended growing up, learning from every good and bad vibe and vibration. Today I grew older but wiser or is it wiser and older? Today my life turned into a dream and my realities did not hurt so much. I thought less about the pain and more about the love. Today I got to be really a little more like a disabled person and learned that there is life after running and that even in a chair I am a boy on fire. This boy is on fire!
Dedicated to all Americans without insurance and who are suffering from illness and have no wheelchair.
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