Undercover Abuse
I cannot think of any other word that describes the type of abuse I will be talking to you about, than the word "undercover" or "underhanded". It is the kind of abuse that is disguised and not easily recognized as abuse yet it is as harmful as any other kind of abuse including the physical. With that said let's look at the various types of undercover abuse:
Withholding:
This type of abuse involves a partner who withholds love, affection and who shuts down when you will not do what they believe you should do, want to manipulate you or when you demonstrate some sort of concern about their behavior. This way of being is purposeful and meant to control you and let you know that if you do not comply the consequences are that you will be made to feel unloved and made to feel badly about yourself.
Triangulation:
This abusive approach is age old and involves someone who pits you against their family or friends and enjoys it. This is a learned behavior and often times taught to a person when they are very young. Mothers who pit their son against their dad teach this strategy of abuse. For some triangulating their mother against you is a good way to make you believe you are not a nice person and to make you feel badly about yourself. It is mainly done to make themselves feel good about themselves in situations where there is conflict in the relationship. Triangulation is often times created because they want approval and validation from another source that involves making you wrong. Eventually this trap will involve a conflict between you and one of his or her friends or family members whereby you are viewed as the bad guy.
My Way and Non-participation:
This is when you are in a relationship with someone who wants things their way yet when you suggest something different that they don't like to do they become a non-paticipant and instead go elsewhere instead of compromising and doing some things you like to do. This kind of abuse involves a narcasistic person who has gotten their way much of the time in their life and who feel that what matters most is their needs and what they deem important or fun. Eventually you are forced to do the things you like to do on your own and they are as they planned it, off the hook.
Lack of Aknowledgement or praise:
People who are soft abusers will be very selfish with praise and usually do not acknowledge you for the things you do, the person you are, your talents or the efforts you make. The lack of compliments are intentional and meant to make you understand that nothing you do is that special. Often times it is meant to keep you "in your place" and not "give you a big head". When people withhold compliments, praise or lovely words of encouragement they lack compassion. In the end this is abusive behavior because it is done with the sole purpose of not giving you something we all need sometimes which is as simple as a compliment.
Emotional detachment:
One can say a lot of things about emotional detachement but it suffices to say that when a person is emotionally absent it is hurtful to anyone in a relationship with him or her. People who are emotionally detached are not nice people at the core of their being and when they withhold emotions like love it is done with the sole purpose to hurt another person. Although the one thing about people who lack emotional characteristics is that they are sad inside and often times angry about something you have nothing to do with.
Inequality:
This one is for the ladies who work, attend to the children, clean the house, do grocery shopping, take the car in for service and do all the yard work. Unfortunately their is a tendency for men to work a job and do only that, negating any responsibility to the home and the running of a home. When a partner refuses or does not do their part this is subtle abuse that we don't often think is abuse. The fact is that when people do not do their part that is underhanded abuse and unkind and unfair.
Lack of protection and support:
When a person does not support you this is abuse. When a person does not protect you from others abuse that is abuse. When a man allows his mother to insult his wife that is abusive. Any time someone does not protect you or support you in the best way they can, even if they disagree with you, this is a form of abuse. To tell someone you love them and then allow them to be insulted by one of your friends is simply not acceptable.
You may be in a relationship in which you are unhappy. It could very well be that there are some feelings you cannot seem to pinpoint. Look at how you are being treated and determine if some of the underhanded types of abuse are present in your relationship. Decide today that there will no longer be these kinds of behaviors that are hurtful to you and the relationship. Set some new boundaries and review the old ones. Stop accepting or promoting any abuse no matter how subtle it may be. If things do not change decide if this is the way you would like to live the rest of your life and act accordingly.
Withholding:
This type of abuse involves a partner who withholds love, affection and who shuts down when you will not do what they believe you should do, want to manipulate you or when you demonstrate some sort of concern about their behavior. This way of being is purposeful and meant to control you and let you know that if you do not comply the consequences are that you will be made to feel unloved and made to feel badly about yourself.
Triangulation:
This abusive approach is age old and involves someone who pits you against their family or friends and enjoys it. This is a learned behavior and often times taught to a person when they are very young. Mothers who pit their son against their dad teach this strategy of abuse. For some triangulating their mother against you is a good way to make you believe you are not a nice person and to make you feel badly about yourself. It is mainly done to make themselves feel good about themselves in situations where there is conflict in the relationship. Triangulation is often times created because they want approval and validation from another source that involves making you wrong. Eventually this trap will involve a conflict between you and one of his or her friends or family members whereby you are viewed as the bad guy.
My Way and Non-participation:
This is when you are in a relationship with someone who wants things their way yet when you suggest something different that they don't like to do they become a non-paticipant and instead go elsewhere instead of compromising and doing some things you like to do. This kind of abuse involves a narcasistic person who has gotten their way much of the time in their life and who feel that what matters most is their needs and what they deem important or fun. Eventually you are forced to do the things you like to do on your own and they are as they planned it, off the hook.
Lack of Aknowledgement or praise:
People who are soft abusers will be very selfish with praise and usually do not acknowledge you for the things you do, the person you are, your talents or the efforts you make. The lack of compliments are intentional and meant to make you understand that nothing you do is that special. Often times it is meant to keep you "in your place" and not "give you a big head". When people withhold compliments, praise or lovely words of encouragement they lack compassion. In the end this is abusive behavior because it is done with the sole purpose of not giving you something we all need sometimes which is as simple as a compliment.
Emotional detachment:
One can say a lot of things about emotional detachement but it suffices to say that when a person is emotionally absent it is hurtful to anyone in a relationship with him or her. People who are emotionally detached are not nice people at the core of their being and when they withhold emotions like love it is done with the sole purpose to hurt another person. Although the one thing about people who lack emotional characteristics is that they are sad inside and often times angry about something you have nothing to do with.
Inequality:
This one is for the ladies who work, attend to the children, clean the house, do grocery shopping, take the car in for service and do all the yard work. Unfortunately their is a tendency for men to work a job and do only that, negating any responsibility to the home and the running of a home. When a partner refuses or does not do their part this is subtle abuse that we don't often think is abuse. The fact is that when people do not do their part that is underhanded abuse and unkind and unfair.
Lack of protection and support:
When a person does not support you this is abuse. When a person does not protect you from others abuse that is abuse. When a man allows his mother to insult his wife that is abusive. Any time someone does not protect you or support you in the best way they can, even if they disagree with you, this is a form of abuse. To tell someone you love them and then allow them to be insulted by one of your friends is simply not acceptable.
You may be in a relationship in which you are unhappy. It could very well be that there are some feelings you cannot seem to pinpoint. Look at how you are being treated and determine if some of the underhanded types of abuse are present in your relationship. Decide today that there will no longer be these kinds of behaviors that are hurtful to you and the relationship. Set some new boundaries and review the old ones. Stop accepting or promoting any abuse no matter how subtle it may be. If things do not change decide if this is the way you would like to live the rest of your life and act accordingly.
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