Are You Too Different?
I almost want to vomit when people say: "opposites attract" because what I know at this stage of my life is that when someone is that different from us it is a bad match and eventually it will likely end, sometimes in a very ugly manner. My own quote about matches is this: "opposites should not attract". It is the similarities and common interest that make for a great relationship with anyone whether a friend or lover or spouse. The fact that one person hates dancing and is not social and the other person is the opposite and loves dancing and socializing with others is a red flag and I say before you get invested run fast in the other direction, away from that person who will not honor what you love to do and what is important to you.
Maria's story will help you to understand that opposites don't attract anything in the long run. Maris is a hard core Latina who has overcome many obstacles in her life around being a woman of color and people minimizing her very existance as a woman. She decided to try an online dating service (first mistake) and met a man who she met after a few messages back and forth. Finally she gave him her number and they chatted for hours. The man was white and happened to be very convincing because even after the first date when Maria did not call him back he continued to pursue her. The short version of her story is that the white man was really very white in his thinking as was his racist family. After some time Maria was insulted and minimized directly and indirectly, much of the insults based on jokes about her ethnicity including the way she dressed. The man she met was a "mama's boy" and his mother made her life miserable. In a word she was a "bitch". No matter what Maria did she was just not good enough. Not only did this man allow his family to insult and disrespect Maria he would not participate actively in the things that interested her, while expecting her to do the things he liked to do, forcing her at times to play board games where the family would laugh at her fro losing every time. The humiliation and disrespect became so bad that she left but after so long she was so injured she committed suicide after her former boyfriend accused her of harassment successfully dragging her through the court system where she was viewed as the crazed Latina.
The story of Maria may have a tragic ending and what I would hope is that no one have to go through what she did. It was abusive and bullying behavior from a person who did not have a clue about culture and who in fact was attracted to her because in his own words "latinas are hot". She was much more attractive than he was and the truth about this story is that she was like a trophy to a white man who was playing out his distain towards people of color and a family just as cruel. But even the most subtle of clues we receive about people who are acutely different from us will help us to make a sound decision about who we get involved with intimately. The reality is that being so different from a person is not a good basis for starting a relationship and in fact is a bad idea. Maria is one of many examples of women of color who have married white men or men who don't respect them or have the same values and interests. There are thousands of women who are being bullied an abused by a man who knew from the start that he would not participate fully in the life of the woman they selected and in fact are so different that they don't have any intention of changing anything about themselves. It is a red flag when someone's likes and dislikes are so different from our own and it is compounded by dormant racism at times. Being that different is a good reason to not become involved with someone you know from the start will never be something that you deserve in life.
Some of us are still with people who are completely the opposite of of us. Some of us, especially women are accepting the fact that things will never change and that the man is who he is. Some women I know are praying for their husbands in hope that they will change. Yet what matters in the nod is honoring our spirit and knowing when to walk away. This is hard for most of us, especially after we love someone or think we do. In the end what really matters is that we make the choice based on similarities and common characteristics and interest, not physical attraction or acute differences. At first it may be fun being with someone who is so different from us but eventually that will wear off. It may not have serious consequences like what happened with Maria but when someone kills our spirit and what we love to do it can be something so damaging that it will take years to get through it and find our joy once again.
Maria's story will help you to understand that opposites don't attract anything in the long run. Maris is a hard core Latina who has overcome many obstacles in her life around being a woman of color and people minimizing her very existance as a woman. She decided to try an online dating service (first mistake) and met a man who she met after a few messages back and forth. Finally she gave him her number and they chatted for hours. The man was white and happened to be very convincing because even after the first date when Maria did not call him back he continued to pursue her. The short version of her story is that the white man was really very white in his thinking as was his racist family. After some time Maria was insulted and minimized directly and indirectly, much of the insults based on jokes about her ethnicity including the way she dressed. The man she met was a "mama's boy" and his mother made her life miserable. In a word she was a "bitch". No matter what Maria did she was just not good enough. Not only did this man allow his family to insult and disrespect Maria he would not participate actively in the things that interested her, while expecting her to do the things he liked to do, forcing her at times to play board games where the family would laugh at her fro losing every time. The humiliation and disrespect became so bad that she left but after so long she was so injured she committed suicide after her former boyfriend accused her of harassment successfully dragging her through the court system where she was viewed as the crazed Latina.
The story of Maria may have a tragic ending and what I would hope is that no one have to go through what she did. It was abusive and bullying behavior from a person who did not have a clue about culture and who in fact was attracted to her because in his own words "latinas are hot". She was much more attractive than he was and the truth about this story is that she was like a trophy to a white man who was playing out his distain towards people of color and a family just as cruel. But even the most subtle of clues we receive about people who are acutely different from us will help us to make a sound decision about who we get involved with intimately. The reality is that being so different from a person is not a good basis for starting a relationship and in fact is a bad idea. Maria is one of many examples of women of color who have married white men or men who don't respect them or have the same values and interests. There are thousands of women who are being bullied an abused by a man who knew from the start that he would not participate fully in the life of the woman they selected and in fact are so different that they don't have any intention of changing anything about themselves. It is a red flag when someone's likes and dislikes are so different from our own and it is compounded by dormant racism at times. Being that different is a good reason to not become involved with someone you know from the start will never be something that you deserve in life.
Some of us are still with people who are completely the opposite of of us. Some of us, especially women are accepting the fact that things will never change and that the man is who he is. Some women I know are praying for their husbands in hope that they will change. Yet what matters in the nod is honoring our spirit and knowing when to walk away. This is hard for most of us, especially after we love someone or think we do. In the end what really matters is that we make the choice based on similarities and common characteristics and interest, not physical attraction or acute differences. At first it may be fun being with someone who is so different from us but eventually that will wear off. It may not have serious consequences like what happened with Maria but when someone kills our spirit and what we love to do it can be something so damaging that it will take years to get through it and find our joy once again.
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