Is That Abuse?
I have been attempting to stay on the positive side with my blogs yet I sense there is someone out there in need of identifying, like many others, what is abuse, focusing today on subtle abuse. Subtle abuse is seemingly minor in the beginning yet repeated offenses make for some truly difficult consumption on the part of the abused. They are some of the passive aggressive ways people abuse others that over time effects the self-esteem and joy of others. Passive aggressive abuse is usually intentional and is meant for us to be looked at as if we are crazy if we point it out. Often times what the passive abuser will sight is that we have an overly sensitive nature. Of course there is no such thing when we know that what is being done or said to us is abusive. In addition, what we say hurts us should be heard and honored with out much questioning. No one gets to say who we are and use sensitivity as an excuse to justify abuse.
Insults coached in a joke:
Some of the most subtle abuse is coached in jokes. Comments about our heritage are of the most common and many times are coming from a place of subtle racism and meant to put people of color down. The other common one are jokes about women told to women by their spouse or man they are involved with. The minimizing of our feelings about equality or gender discrimination is a subtle way of abuse and many times is intended to keep us in our place as a race or gender. From the start of something like this we must immediately say NO and share that it is not acceptable.
The walk out/abandon, shut down:
Another common abuse is when people walk out and stay away for a day or more over a disagreement. This move is meant to make us feel abandoned and those of us who have those types of issues to start are severely effected by this kind of abuse. The message here is that you are not every right and that you are now punished. Not just punished but completely shut down and made to feel unworthy of any kind of compromise. Frequent walk outs and shut downs are a form of abuse because in the long run it feels like acute rejection. It is not healthy either for the relationship or the person who is being walked away from.
The I am right, you are always wrong game:
I call this one the "I am always right" syndrome. This is when you are made to feel that no matter what you are wrong and they are right under every circumstance if not the majority of the time. This is a tactic that is used to blame and shame you and put you in your place. You cannot be right because he or she is smarter than you and besides you have a hot temper and that makes you wrong all the time every time. This abusive strategy is one where you cannot ever win and someone has to lose, that person is you. After a time of this kind of inequality we feel diminished and angry and after many years we either give up and become the passive individual or we have to get up and get out.
The blaming and shaming strategy:
This less than subtle way of abuse involves someone finding any little thing to make a case and then begin a cycle of blaming you and shaming you. It could be a small mistake or maybe a big one, makes not a bit of difference, and then the person attacks you and talks at length about how many faults you have particularly the one that makes you ashamed in some way. In this way you will think more about ever disagreeing with him or her.
The bating you game:
This is when someone you are in a relationship bates you and then shames you. He or she finds ways to make you upset or angry, knowing fully what buttons to push. Then they proceed to say things to you that they know will upset you or insult you in some indirect way. Criticizing what you do is one common way to insult you and trigger you. Then in the end the finger gets pointed at you and you are shamed and blamed. End of conversation.
The it was your idea smoke screen:
A woman shared with me that her husband often times asked her to talk about having sex with someone else whether it was in the past or present, whether it was true or made up. He went as far as to say that she would get sex if she complied and so as you might imagine she complied. This soon turned into his "sick fantasy" about watching another man have hard sex with her. Eventually while on vacation her husband arranged a three way with another man he'd picked up in the lobby of the hotel. Later he took that incident and threw it up in her face for having participated as he'd asked so many times.
Abuse is anything that makes you feel minimized, sad, hurt or angry. If it walks like a duck then it is and there is not reason to think otherwise. The thing about subtle abuse is that it happens without being noted right away. This is why one needs to be vigilant and put it to a stop right away. Nothing is more harmful to our spirit than the games that some play that are unfair to us and not of a loving honest nature. IT is up to us to see the abuse and then call others on it and asking them to stop it. IF we play along there are serious consequences. Abuse in any form is not OK. If we honor this truth then we will never accept abuse from anyone at a any time.
Insults coached in a joke:
Some of the most subtle abuse is coached in jokes. Comments about our heritage are of the most common and many times are coming from a place of subtle racism and meant to put people of color down. The other common one are jokes about women told to women by their spouse or man they are involved with. The minimizing of our feelings about equality or gender discrimination is a subtle way of abuse and many times is intended to keep us in our place as a race or gender. From the start of something like this we must immediately say NO and share that it is not acceptable.
The walk out/abandon, shut down:
Another common abuse is when people walk out and stay away for a day or more over a disagreement. This move is meant to make us feel abandoned and those of us who have those types of issues to start are severely effected by this kind of abuse. The message here is that you are not every right and that you are now punished. Not just punished but completely shut down and made to feel unworthy of any kind of compromise. Frequent walk outs and shut downs are a form of abuse because in the long run it feels like acute rejection. It is not healthy either for the relationship or the person who is being walked away from.
The I am right, you are always wrong game:
I call this one the "I am always right" syndrome. This is when you are made to feel that no matter what you are wrong and they are right under every circumstance if not the majority of the time. This is a tactic that is used to blame and shame you and put you in your place. You cannot be right because he or she is smarter than you and besides you have a hot temper and that makes you wrong all the time every time. This abusive strategy is one where you cannot ever win and someone has to lose, that person is you. After a time of this kind of inequality we feel diminished and angry and after many years we either give up and become the passive individual or we have to get up and get out.
The blaming and shaming strategy:
This less than subtle way of abuse involves someone finding any little thing to make a case and then begin a cycle of blaming you and shaming you. It could be a small mistake or maybe a big one, makes not a bit of difference, and then the person attacks you and talks at length about how many faults you have particularly the one that makes you ashamed in some way. In this way you will think more about ever disagreeing with him or her.
The bating you game:
This is when someone you are in a relationship bates you and then shames you. He or she finds ways to make you upset or angry, knowing fully what buttons to push. Then they proceed to say things to you that they know will upset you or insult you in some indirect way. Criticizing what you do is one common way to insult you and trigger you. Then in the end the finger gets pointed at you and you are shamed and blamed. End of conversation.
The it was your idea smoke screen:
A woman shared with me that her husband often times asked her to talk about having sex with someone else whether it was in the past or present, whether it was true or made up. He went as far as to say that she would get sex if she complied and so as you might imagine she complied. This soon turned into his "sick fantasy" about watching another man have hard sex with her. Eventually while on vacation her husband arranged a three way with another man he'd picked up in the lobby of the hotel. Later he took that incident and threw it up in her face for having participated as he'd asked so many times.
Abuse is anything that makes you feel minimized, sad, hurt or angry. If it walks like a duck then it is and there is not reason to think otherwise. The thing about subtle abuse is that it happens without being noted right away. This is why one needs to be vigilant and put it to a stop right away. Nothing is more harmful to our spirit than the games that some play that are unfair to us and not of a loving honest nature. IT is up to us to see the abuse and then call others on it and asking them to stop it. IF we play along there are serious consequences. Abuse in any form is not OK. If we honor this truth then we will never accept abuse from anyone at a any time.
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