Friendships

I had a friend recently say to me, "some things are better left unsaid" referring my decision to end a friendship.  More than ever I don't agree with this kind of thinking because for me it feels passive aggressive and a "cop out".  I believe that some things, in fact most things should be said and said in the most direct, specific and loving manner that we can say it.  For me ending a relaitonship by simply not calling any more is a lack of respect for others and for oneself.  In my view as a human being and a life coach it is best to clear the air and end a relationship by making truthful, honest and compassionate language.  This of course does not mean that this is the best way for everyone to end every friendship, however, when possible it seems to me that honest communication is the best approach.

Intimacy between any two people is not always easy.  It requires that we take responsibility for what we say and do in relationships with anyone we might refer to as a friend.  It holds us accountable and when we don't show up for someone we may get called to the carpet.  Yet for many of us staying in the neutral zone is where we feel comfortable and where we stay in order not to be held responsible or for others to have any expectations of us.  For many holding a relationship with people they refer to as friends is convenient and only when we have the time.  This way they never have to do the work required to keep a friendship active.  For many intimacy is simply not an option and it makes them feel discomfort.  Yet in order to be a real friend one has to be willing to become close and possibly be hurt.

It is unfortunate but we live in a world of fast food, instant gratification and fast relationships.  My grandmother use to say: "what starts fast ends fast" referring to the way people started relationships quickly and without thinking and then the relationships abruptly ending.  I have to agree with her and have had many experiences like the ones she is describing.  People start really strong and may even give you their phone number only to never return a call.  The intention is not to develope a relationship but rather something else that is more on the surface, not deep or committed.  It is almost as if others assume that the person was just being nice when they behaved as though they were happy to meet you.  This is where most people like to dwell: on the surface.  Going deeper is just to scary for some of us and we would rather just go from one person to the next and pretend that we have a huge amount of friends when in fact we cannot really connect with any one person.

Friendship is about integrity and integrity asks us to be honest.  Friendship is work and requires us to put forth an intentional effort.  Friendship asks us to communicate on an ongoing basis and check in with others to ask about their well being.  Friendship is a commitment to show up for someone we call a friend when they are in need.  Friendship means that nothing is too taboo to talk about and heal together.  Friendship asks us to take a risk and know that we might be hurt but that we can trust the process of relationships with others we grow to love.  Friendship is not judgemental and asks us to look at our actions before we make pass judgement.  Friendship is kind, gentle, loving, compassionate, fair, honest and open hearted.  Whom we call friends are few yet are strong connections with people we take the time for and make time to be with.

Food for Thought:
Are there people in your life who you know need to be lovingly released?  Why are you holding on to them?
Who are the people in your life who are true freinds and meet the simple criteria you have of friends?
Are you the kind of friend that you want others to be?  IN what ways?  List them.
Have you been hurt by a friendship that has been repeatedly abusive?  How can you let go?
Do you take rejection personally and want everyone to say yes and be your friend?  Why? What is it that makes you believe that?
How can you be the best person you can be and accept those who have not reached back when you have reached out?
What makes you such a great a freind?  Write a list.
Define friendship.  Can you stick to that definition and not accept less?  Why?

Friends are the people who show up with a light when you are in the darkness.  E. Collazo



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