DO YOUR OWN WORK
Today in route to the stores with a friend a dialog began around how there are times when people show up in our lives negatively because they simply refuse to do their own work. This BLOG is about those kind of people and about the importance of doing our own work.
In a men's support group that I attend a man made a comment to another man about how he would have benefited from the session the week before. Suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere the other man responded with "speak for yourself" and "you don't care about me" in a tone that looked and felt like oppressed anger. The response did not seem to fit the comment and it was obvious to me that the person who responded with the angry tone started out angry, having nothing to do with the comment that was made. The following week the facilitator of the group asked if there was anything additional that needed to be talked out. In a snap the angry recipient from the week before began name calling the man who had made the comment calling him a "scum bag", accusing him of being a pervert, pointed out that he was looking at his crotch and topped it off with "F" you. It was as if we were in a made for TV drama. The other man simply responded with something like, "I am sorry that you feel that way". When others were asked to comment on the situation at hand the angry member said a few choice swear words to him as well and added, "you are like the cruise director, F you too". Still each of us were asked to respond if we wanted to about what had just transpired. No one dared let the angry person in the room know that his behavior was simply inappropriate and in fact an act of bullying. Why could this person not say what he felt and not rip another person apart emotionally? Why did it look like he had derived some sort of satisfaction from ripping someone else apart in front of 12 other people? How do we respond when these kinds of things happen to us whether they involve one angry person in a support group or an irate salesperson in a store?
The first thing to remember is that everyone is responsible to do their own work. It is not our fault that someone who needs to do some self-nurturing or self-loving unleashes their venom on us. It is not our responsibility to fix them and finally it is not something we necessarily have to accept in others every time it happens. Just because someone has not done their work doesn't mean that we have to accept their bad behavior. The fact is that we should stand up to these kinds of people and their actions, holding them accountable for the poor manner with which they treat us. The very best thing we can do is to acknowledge that the person is hurting our heart and to say so. At the very least we can simply get up and walk away in a demonstration to them that it isn't OK for them to berate us.
Everyone is responsible for doing their own work. Doing our own work means that we are responsible to finding ways and methods and the support we need to heal. It is not anyone's job to do that but our own. Doing your own work may look like counseling with a good therapist, joining a support group, getting into a 12-step program or meditating. It doesn't matter as much how you approach self-work but rather that you do and you do it in a way that is honest and honors you and others around you. When we don't do our own work unfortunately it shows and it effects everyone around us.
The trouble with some of us beloved human beings is that we are not aware that we need to do some work or we are in deep denial about it. Some of us have been taught as children that whatever is bothering us should be a secret and that no one needs to know. It has created more of an issue and added stigma to the idea that we may need some help and so we don't get the help. Being in a family where emotional expression is considered inappropriate and where others show discomfort around feelings feeds into the notion that if we need someone to help us "do our work" we are flawed and perhaps "crazy". Whether our denial stems from our upbringing or stems from shame it is only going to get better if we let go of the notion that we don't need help to do our life work.
There will be times when we will need to seek out our inner loving and compassionate person. It is not always necessary to fight combative and angry behavior with the same flavor of feelings. It is not always that best way to handle someone who is coming from a destructive place. Sometimes we will need to be in our empathetic place of understanding and of love. We know when we should go into our heart and make that effort to get how painful it must be for someone to be so angry, frightened or hostile. It still does not mean that we accept it but rather that we handle it from a place of understanding. We can even wait until the next day and then share how we felt and what our boundaries are.
When we form boundaries with others it makes it clear to others what we find unacceptable or inappropriate for us and how we expect to be addressed. The basis of creating and stating our boundaries is all about others knowing what we will tolerate and what we will not. For example, when we don't have boundaries we laugh at what others say to us when we really feel it is offensive or has a twist that is hurtful. Setting good boundaries lets people like me and the "angry man" know that it isn't OK for them to dump on us because it isn't. If after we are insulted or bullied we make a statement about it NOT being OK we honor ourselves and we honor everyone around us. It tells others that they have a responsibility attached to their actions and that they might need to do some thinking and perhaps some self-work. Again, when we say set our boundaries we need not be ugly about it. We can do this in a way that we can more likely be heard and that is not about shaming and blaming, swearing and staring or fighting and sighting. We can and we should point things out to others with the least emotional charge as possible. As they say "the facts, nothing but the facts".
I am not in any way saying that I am cured of all the experiences I had that may have darkened or will darken my emotional space and my spirit. I too have had some curiously combative and angry moments. I remember walking up to an ATM in Uptown Chicago on Broadway and Lawrence some years back. I needed some cash to go out on the town. As I stood in front of the ATM machine getting my cash someone walked up behind me in what seemed to me a quick pace. I immediately began yelling and noted that I was extremely triggered and in fear. I had written a script in my head about being attacked by a stranger at the ATM, one that might be familiar to most of us because let's face it, this has happened before. As I ranted and raved asking the person to "get the F away from me" I suddenly looked into his face and realized he was terrified. This young man not only backed off, he headed in the other direction. It was then that I realized that I had made a horrible mistake and apologized to him, stating that I thought I was going to be robbed. I apologized about three more times as I walked away because at this point he was more scared than I was and I could tell he wanted nothing to do with me. I could hear him saying to himself "this guy is nuts" and honestly I could not blame him. What I learned from this event and what I am still learning is that my reaction was about my own stuff and about the work that needed to be done within me. I understood that something in me needed to change, be addressed or looked at more closely because my reaction was so much about my own deep fears. This was for me a message that I "had work to do".
Do your own work my beloved friends, family, fellow human beings. Do your own work and when you can be compassionate towards someone who has not done their work and you will surely be a better person for it. Find and set your boundaries and make them clear to others around you, especially those close to you: husband, wife, mom, dad, uncle or aunt. Check in with your heart and spirit and ask yourself what work you need to do, what are the unfinished aspects of your life journey? Do your own work and have expectations of others around you, demonstrating to everyone how you are to be treated.
In a men's support group that I attend a man made a comment to another man about how he would have benefited from the session the week before. Suddenly and seemingly out of nowhere the other man responded with "speak for yourself" and "you don't care about me" in a tone that looked and felt like oppressed anger. The response did not seem to fit the comment and it was obvious to me that the person who responded with the angry tone started out angry, having nothing to do with the comment that was made. The following week the facilitator of the group asked if there was anything additional that needed to be talked out. In a snap the angry recipient from the week before began name calling the man who had made the comment calling him a "scum bag", accusing him of being a pervert, pointed out that he was looking at his crotch and topped it off with "F" you. It was as if we were in a made for TV drama. The other man simply responded with something like, "I am sorry that you feel that way". When others were asked to comment on the situation at hand the angry member said a few choice swear words to him as well and added, "you are like the cruise director, F you too". Still each of us were asked to respond if we wanted to about what had just transpired. No one dared let the angry person in the room know that his behavior was simply inappropriate and in fact an act of bullying. Why could this person not say what he felt and not rip another person apart emotionally? Why did it look like he had derived some sort of satisfaction from ripping someone else apart in front of 12 other people? How do we respond when these kinds of things happen to us whether they involve one angry person in a support group or an irate salesperson in a store?
The first thing to remember is that everyone is responsible to do their own work. It is not our fault that someone who needs to do some self-nurturing or self-loving unleashes their venom on us. It is not our responsibility to fix them and finally it is not something we necessarily have to accept in others every time it happens. Just because someone has not done their work doesn't mean that we have to accept their bad behavior. The fact is that we should stand up to these kinds of people and their actions, holding them accountable for the poor manner with which they treat us. The very best thing we can do is to acknowledge that the person is hurting our heart and to say so. At the very least we can simply get up and walk away in a demonstration to them that it isn't OK for them to berate us.
Everyone is responsible for doing their own work. Doing our own work means that we are responsible to finding ways and methods and the support we need to heal. It is not anyone's job to do that but our own. Doing your own work may look like counseling with a good therapist, joining a support group, getting into a 12-step program or meditating. It doesn't matter as much how you approach self-work but rather that you do and you do it in a way that is honest and honors you and others around you. When we don't do our own work unfortunately it shows and it effects everyone around us.
The trouble with some of us beloved human beings is that we are not aware that we need to do some work or we are in deep denial about it. Some of us have been taught as children that whatever is bothering us should be a secret and that no one needs to know. It has created more of an issue and added stigma to the idea that we may need some help and so we don't get the help. Being in a family where emotional expression is considered inappropriate and where others show discomfort around feelings feeds into the notion that if we need someone to help us "do our work" we are flawed and perhaps "crazy". Whether our denial stems from our upbringing or stems from shame it is only going to get better if we let go of the notion that we don't need help to do our life work.
There will be times when we will need to seek out our inner loving and compassionate person. It is not always necessary to fight combative and angry behavior with the same flavor of feelings. It is not always that best way to handle someone who is coming from a destructive place. Sometimes we will need to be in our empathetic place of understanding and of love. We know when we should go into our heart and make that effort to get how painful it must be for someone to be so angry, frightened or hostile. It still does not mean that we accept it but rather that we handle it from a place of understanding. We can even wait until the next day and then share how we felt and what our boundaries are.
When we form boundaries with others it makes it clear to others what we find unacceptable or inappropriate for us and how we expect to be addressed. The basis of creating and stating our boundaries is all about others knowing what we will tolerate and what we will not. For example, when we don't have boundaries we laugh at what others say to us when we really feel it is offensive or has a twist that is hurtful. Setting good boundaries lets people like me and the "angry man" know that it isn't OK for them to dump on us because it isn't. If after we are insulted or bullied we make a statement about it NOT being OK we honor ourselves and we honor everyone around us. It tells others that they have a responsibility attached to their actions and that they might need to do some thinking and perhaps some self-work. Again, when we say set our boundaries we need not be ugly about it. We can do this in a way that we can more likely be heard and that is not about shaming and blaming, swearing and staring or fighting and sighting. We can and we should point things out to others with the least emotional charge as possible. As they say "the facts, nothing but the facts".
I am not in any way saying that I am cured of all the experiences I had that may have darkened or will darken my emotional space and my spirit. I too have had some curiously combative and angry moments. I remember walking up to an ATM in Uptown Chicago on Broadway and Lawrence some years back. I needed some cash to go out on the town. As I stood in front of the ATM machine getting my cash someone walked up behind me in what seemed to me a quick pace. I immediately began yelling and noted that I was extremely triggered and in fear. I had written a script in my head about being attacked by a stranger at the ATM, one that might be familiar to most of us because let's face it, this has happened before. As I ranted and raved asking the person to "get the F away from me" I suddenly looked into his face and realized he was terrified. This young man not only backed off, he headed in the other direction. It was then that I realized that I had made a horrible mistake and apologized to him, stating that I thought I was going to be robbed. I apologized about three more times as I walked away because at this point he was more scared than I was and I could tell he wanted nothing to do with me. I could hear him saying to himself "this guy is nuts" and honestly I could not blame him. What I learned from this event and what I am still learning is that my reaction was about my own stuff and about the work that needed to be done within me. I understood that something in me needed to change, be addressed or looked at more closely because my reaction was so much about my own deep fears. This was for me a message that I "had work to do".
Do your own work my beloved friends, family, fellow human beings. Do your own work and when you can be compassionate towards someone who has not done their work and you will surely be a better person for it. Find and set your boundaries and make them clear to others around you, especially those close to you: husband, wife, mom, dad, uncle or aunt. Check in with your heart and spirit and ask yourself what work you need to do, what are the unfinished aspects of your life journey? Do your own work and have expectations of others around you, demonstrating to everyone how you are to be treated.
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