"Sex is Not all It is Cranked Up to Be?"
Some time back one of the people I love dearly made the statement: "sex is not all it's cranked up to be". For some crazy reason that phrase, those words and the thought of what that meant rose up this evening like an Oprah "aha" moment. Suddenly what came out of my mouth was: sex is what we want it to be". I am by no means an expert in this area but have coached couples on relationship issues including intimacy and learned more than I thought I would in the process.
Sex is what we want it to be. That's what I think. Sex is what you make of it and we are free to open ourselves up to the kind of thinking that empowers us in intimacy rather than shelf sex and believe that it is not ever going to be what we would like it to be.
If we truly believe that there is only one way to have intimacy or even ten ways to approach sex then we are likely missing a whole lot of options and definitions of sex. For some having intimacy is a spiritual, connected and deep experience while for others it may be an act of sheer pleasure. Neither thinking is better and neither one is necessarily right or optimal. It really depends on the couple involved. For some penetration needs to happen in order to consider it sexual while for others touch and pleasuring in other ways is considered sexual and fun. There are even some who say that they don't necessarily have to climax to consider it "good sex". The point it there are so many variations and thoughts around the act of intimacy and I say the more variations and thoughts the better. To view intimacy with a limited lens seems a bit counteractive and certainly keeps us in a box where perhaps we could be having more fun if we jumped out of it. I say jump.
Fantasy is key in having an intimate life with someone or yourself. I know that for some having self-satisfaction or masturbation is uncomfortable and talking about it is likely the last subject one would like to elaborate. Still I want to bring forward the idea that sex is OK to have alone or with someone else and that it can and should involve fantasy. How can we as human beings inject fantasy into our sexual encounters? There are those common ones like "dirty talk" and toys and then there is asking for what you want and being specific about what you want, talking through each step. I think this takes the taboo stuff out of the equation and in itself liberates us from the limited or religious or gender specific rules we grew up with. Fantasy is all about allowing other elements of excitement into the mix and freeing ourselves of the myth that intimacy is only for X, Y or Z (we know the reasons). Fantasy can involve dressing in costumes, playing a role and just letting it flow. Think about the ways that fantasy can be incorporated into your sexual intimacy and know that "the sky is the limit" really.
Some of us need to rethink and redefine sex. What does it mean to us? What are the myths we have grown up with that are not working for us or may be impeding our full enjoyment of it? What is the definition of sex for us personally? What does it mean to have physical contact that is close and intimate? Does our spirit need to get involved or does our emotional self need to be a part of it? We are allowed to decide all of that stuff. We can define sex the way that we see it and the way that we are comfortable with it. We don't have to live by some standard of what it is and how it should take place. We need to empower ourselves around it and decide what and how we see it and participate in it. For some women that may mean that you get to set the rules and you get to be the aggressor. For some men it may mean that you be the one to entice and wear the sexy silk underwear or the red boxer briefs. Sit down with your partner and talk about your new perceptions and definitions of sex. At the very least talk about the possibilities and what you would like to see happen. Rethink and redefine sex into what looks and feels like the optimum experience. You don't have to know you just have to begin the dialog.
I think that the one thing that I would say worked well in my life was the thought that I had this goal in the act of intimacy and that was to pleasure the other person as best I could and just with that purpose in mind. I say that if both people are thinking like that then it should be a wonderful experience. It is when one person sits back and just receives that there is likely going to be an issue down the road. I want to clarify again that I am not the expert in this area and will add that I too am in a place of opening up to more possibilities around this beautiful subject.
I want to make sure that all my readers understand that this particular BLOG is about experiencing and about experimenting with a facet of our lives that is meant to be an act of caring, love and enjoyment and not one that is burdensome, difficult or disconnected. The fact that there is so much impotency is a testament to the need for us as human beings to examine our hearts, minds and bodies to determine what needs to be addressed and healed so that we can have healthy intimacy. The only way to optimize this area of your life is to be willing and open to some form of newness and to look at what it is you have been made to believe that may no longer serve you in relationship and sex. Although some of us might say that sex is sex the usual truth is that sex is not "just sex". It is a profound and deep form of communication in which your body is involved. It is mostly a sacred act and likely not something to play with as some of us have learned.
Now go forth and play, enjoying the gift of connection and affection. Fling the door open and be willing to see what is on the other side of it for you and the person you enjoy connecting with. Get the red feather and the silk underwear and own your sexy self. Don't be afraid to wear your heels in the bed and dance with while stripping your beautiful suit off. Release the myths about sexuality and sex, allowing your body and mind to run freely with the spirit of a butterfly. Understand that whatever your heart and mind and spirit are thinking about is the very thing you may want to manifest or at the very least consider implementing. Free yourself of the old school beliefs like women are not supposed to be naughty and like sex. Free yourself of the odd belief that men have to be on top or that you can only use a bed. And try some of these ideas:
Allow the person who is usually not in control to take control and be the one to initiate intimacy.
Prepare a show for your partner that you think he or she might like to see.
Buy a hardhat and ring the doorbell when you arrive at home offering to fix your loved ones body pipes.
Use some massage oil as a pre-cursor to the act of loving.
Be a sexy man and get those long awaited sexy undies for your wife or put on the ones she bought you, then dance like you mean it.
Take your spouse on a date, get a baby sitter and surprise her or him by booking a hotel room.
Make a card for your partner and try your hand at writing a short poem.
Rent a sensual movie.
Take your partner on a date dancing after you learned some new moves.
Dance with your husband in the living room after dinner.
Bathe your partner or lover.
Tell your partner how sexy they are and what you want to do with that.
List the things you want done to you and give that to your beloved as instructions for the occasion.
No, I don't want you to tell me which one of the aforementioned things you tried, LOL. On the other hand I would love to hear that you did try something (not in detail thank you) that worked!
I would say good luck but that seems so contrived as they say. I will end this by reminding everyone that intimacy is all that you crank it up to be and more.
Coach Elliott
Sex is what we want it to be. That's what I think. Sex is what you make of it and we are free to open ourselves up to the kind of thinking that empowers us in intimacy rather than shelf sex and believe that it is not ever going to be what we would like it to be.
If we truly believe that there is only one way to have intimacy or even ten ways to approach sex then we are likely missing a whole lot of options and definitions of sex. For some having intimacy is a spiritual, connected and deep experience while for others it may be an act of sheer pleasure. Neither thinking is better and neither one is necessarily right or optimal. It really depends on the couple involved. For some penetration needs to happen in order to consider it sexual while for others touch and pleasuring in other ways is considered sexual and fun. There are even some who say that they don't necessarily have to climax to consider it "good sex". The point it there are so many variations and thoughts around the act of intimacy and I say the more variations and thoughts the better. To view intimacy with a limited lens seems a bit counteractive and certainly keeps us in a box where perhaps we could be having more fun if we jumped out of it. I say jump.
Fantasy is key in having an intimate life with someone or yourself. I know that for some having self-satisfaction or masturbation is uncomfortable and talking about it is likely the last subject one would like to elaborate. Still I want to bring forward the idea that sex is OK to have alone or with someone else and that it can and should involve fantasy. How can we as human beings inject fantasy into our sexual encounters? There are those common ones like "dirty talk" and toys and then there is asking for what you want and being specific about what you want, talking through each step. I think this takes the taboo stuff out of the equation and in itself liberates us from the limited or religious or gender specific rules we grew up with. Fantasy is all about allowing other elements of excitement into the mix and freeing ourselves of the myth that intimacy is only for X, Y or Z (we know the reasons). Fantasy can involve dressing in costumes, playing a role and just letting it flow. Think about the ways that fantasy can be incorporated into your sexual intimacy and know that "the sky is the limit" really.
Some of us need to rethink and redefine sex. What does it mean to us? What are the myths we have grown up with that are not working for us or may be impeding our full enjoyment of it? What is the definition of sex for us personally? What does it mean to have physical contact that is close and intimate? Does our spirit need to get involved or does our emotional self need to be a part of it? We are allowed to decide all of that stuff. We can define sex the way that we see it and the way that we are comfortable with it. We don't have to live by some standard of what it is and how it should take place. We need to empower ourselves around it and decide what and how we see it and participate in it. For some women that may mean that you get to set the rules and you get to be the aggressor. For some men it may mean that you be the one to entice and wear the sexy silk underwear or the red boxer briefs. Sit down with your partner and talk about your new perceptions and definitions of sex. At the very least talk about the possibilities and what you would like to see happen. Rethink and redefine sex into what looks and feels like the optimum experience. You don't have to know you just have to begin the dialog.
I think that the one thing that I would say worked well in my life was the thought that I had this goal in the act of intimacy and that was to pleasure the other person as best I could and just with that purpose in mind. I say that if both people are thinking like that then it should be a wonderful experience. It is when one person sits back and just receives that there is likely going to be an issue down the road. I want to clarify again that I am not the expert in this area and will add that I too am in a place of opening up to more possibilities around this beautiful subject.
I want to make sure that all my readers understand that this particular BLOG is about experiencing and about experimenting with a facet of our lives that is meant to be an act of caring, love and enjoyment and not one that is burdensome, difficult or disconnected. The fact that there is so much impotency is a testament to the need for us as human beings to examine our hearts, minds and bodies to determine what needs to be addressed and healed so that we can have healthy intimacy. The only way to optimize this area of your life is to be willing and open to some form of newness and to look at what it is you have been made to believe that may no longer serve you in relationship and sex. Although some of us might say that sex is sex the usual truth is that sex is not "just sex". It is a profound and deep form of communication in which your body is involved. It is mostly a sacred act and likely not something to play with as some of us have learned.
Now go forth and play, enjoying the gift of connection and affection. Fling the door open and be willing to see what is on the other side of it for you and the person you enjoy connecting with. Get the red feather and the silk underwear and own your sexy self. Don't be afraid to wear your heels in the bed and dance with while stripping your beautiful suit off. Release the myths about sexuality and sex, allowing your body and mind to run freely with the spirit of a butterfly. Understand that whatever your heart and mind and spirit are thinking about is the very thing you may want to manifest or at the very least consider implementing. Free yourself of the old school beliefs like women are not supposed to be naughty and like sex. Free yourself of the odd belief that men have to be on top or that you can only use a bed. And try some of these ideas:
Allow the person who is usually not in control to take control and be the one to initiate intimacy.
Prepare a show for your partner that you think he or she might like to see.
Buy a hardhat and ring the doorbell when you arrive at home offering to fix your loved ones body pipes.
Use some massage oil as a pre-cursor to the act of loving.
Be a sexy man and get those long awaited sexy undies for your wife or put on the ones she bought you, then dance like you mean it.
Take your spouse on a date, get a baby sitter and surprise her or him by booking a hotel room.
Make a card for your partner and try your hand at writing a short poem.
Rent a sensual movie.
Take your partner on a date dancing after you learned some new moves.
Dance with your husband in the living room after dinner.
Bathe your partner or lover.
Tell your partner how sexy they are and what you want to do with that.
List the things you want done to you and give that to your beloved as instructions for the occasion.
No, I don't want you to tell me which one of the aforementioned things you tried, LOL. On the other hand I would love to hear that you did try something (not in detail thank you) that worked!
I would say good luck but that seems so contrived as they say. I will end this by reminding everyone that intimacy is all that you crank it up to be and more.
Coach Elliott
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