Making Someone Wrong
Making someone wrong doesn't make us right. Today more than ever this resonates as true for me. Just because we can make someone wrong it does not mean that we are right, In fact, making someone else wrong can make us falsely believe that we are right when in fact we are not and in the end why does someone have to be wrong and someone have to be right? Why can it not be about each person having a valid reason to feel right and just in their way of thinking? Why can't it be that both people are right in their own right?
Many of us have been programmed into a right vs. wrong way of living and many of us have a desire to make others wrong. We think that if we can prove that the other person is wrong then we are fixed and all is well. Our ego feeds on this perception and we walk about like a rooster crowing when we have made the point that someone is wrong and we prevail because we are right. It matters not that there is no prize or recognition involved, only that we can seem to stand tall and hold the cup of justice. We falsely believe that because we have made someone wrong then we must be smarter, wiser or somehow more aligned with life. Once time passes we realise that being right is kind of a lonely space to live in when we practice being right so often that it becomes a bit of a game where we feel alone and lonely because all the people we made wrong have walked away.
In relationship, especially love relationship we argue for the purpose of being right, being made right or making our spouse wrong. We fight for the right to make our loved one wrong. We argue until someone kind of says "uncle"and allows us to be right and maybe even admits that they are wrong. Why can't we have a debate where is it not about being right or wrong but rather about resolving some issue collectively? My contention is that our ego gets so invested that we cannot see past the notion that being right is no going to solve the problems or challenges that the relationship is facing. Being right is not going to heal the hurt and being right is not going to facilitate problem solving. Sometimes we have to be OK with letting go of who did what and why and move right into solving the issue because pointing our finger at the other person isn't always going to get the heart of the matter and often times is just a distraction.
We treat relationship as though it was a political debate where one person states their case, the other negates it and then they begin to state their case, never really coming to a place in the middle where there could be a truly collective experience. Instead of debating we should be sharing and most of all focusing on our feelings, letting out partners know how we feel and why. If we shared our feelings and each person accepts them as truth one can acknowledge and witness the other person without a need to make them wrong and without a need to dialog in circles never getting anywhere. In matters of love it should not be so important to win anyway.
A loving dialog between two people who love each other is just that. It begins with sharing your feelings and as a receiver it begins with acknowledging that person's feelings. No one denies the other nor does either party try to debate or negate. No one has the goal to make the other person wrong or to make themselves right. The focus then becomes to honour each person's feelings and needs and to respond to them as best one can. This turns it into a make each other right conversation that not only is more loving but is much more constructive.
One of the worse things we can do is to question another person's perception and feelings when in a heated or charged situation. Rather than to question the other party we can chose to affirm what they are saying and accept it at place value. Saying things like: I understand, I get you and I know how that must feel are statements of love and of witnessing. These are the kinds of words that sooth the soul and tame the beast. It is more of a win win situation but more than that is it a non-confrontational, make them wrong approach. It is an approach that will facilitate others hearing you, especially the person you love and who loves you. It may sound trite but I love the saying " happy wife happy life". It makes sense when one thinks about it. What is the point of being right anyway and how many times has that gotten us points?
The next time that you are plotting and planning how to make your partner wrong think about it. Does making them wrong make you right?
Coach Elliott
Many of us have been programmed into a right vs. wrong way of living and many of us have a desire to make others wrong. We think that if we can prove that the other person is wrong then we are fixed and all is well. Our ego feeds on this perception and we walk about like a rooster crowing when we have made the point that someone is wrong and we prevail because we are right. It matters not that there is no prize or recognition involved, only that we can seem to stand tall and hold the cup of justice. We falsely believe that because we have made someone wrong then we must be smarter, wiser or somehow more aligned with life. Once time passes we realise that being right is kind of a lonely space to live in when we practice being right so often that it becomes a bit of a game where we feel alone and lonely because all the people we made wrong have walked away.
In relationship, especially love relationship we argue for the purpose of being right, being made right or making our spouse wrong. We fight for the right to make our loved one wrong. We argue until someone kind of says "uncle"and allows us to be right and maybe even admits that they are wrong. Why can't we have a debate where is it not about being right or wrong but rather about resolving some issue collectively? My contention is that our ego gets so invested that we cannot see past the notion that being right is no going to solve the problems or challenges that the relationship is facing. Being right is not going to heal the hurt and being right is not going to facilitate problem solving. Sometimes we have to be OK with letting go of who did what and why and move right into solving the issue because pointing our finger at the other person isn't always going to get the heart of the matter and often times is just a distraction.
We treat relationship as though it was a political debate where one person states their case, the other negates it and then they begin to state their case, never really coming to a place in the middle where there could be a truly collective experience. Instead of debating we should be sharing and most of all focusing on our feelings, letting out partners know how we feel and why. If we shared our feelings and each person accepts them as truth one can acknowledge and witness the other person without a need to make them wrong and without a need to dialog in circles never getting anywhere. In matters of love it should not be so important to win anyway.
A loving dialog between two people who love each other is just that. It begins with sharing your feelings and as a receiver it begins with acknowledging that person's feelings. No one denies the other nor does either party try to debate or negate. No one has the goal to make the other person wrong or to make themselves right. The focus then becomes to honour each person's feelings and needs and to respond to them as best one can. This turns it into a make each other right conversation that not only is more loving but is much more constructive.
One of the worse things we can do is to question another person's perception and feelings when in a heated or charged situation. Rather than to question the other party we can chose to affirm what they are saying and accept it at place value. Saying things like: I understand, I get you and I know how that must feel are statements of love and of witnessing. These are the kinds of words that sooth the soul and tame the beast. It is more of a win win situation but more than that is it a non-confrontational, make them wrong approach. It is an approach that will facilitate others hearing you, especially the person you love and who loves you. It may sound trite but I love the saying " happy wife happy life". It makes sense when one thinks about it. What is the point of being right anyway and how many times has that gotten us points?
The next time that you are plotting and planning how to make your partner wrong think about it. Does making them wrong make you right?
Coach Elliott
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