I had every intention not to cry today even though I knew my daughter, her husband and the kids were leaving home after they'd stayed overnight, spending all of Saturday and Sunday with me and my partner. As I gathered her things in the guest bedroom and placed them in her bag I could already feel a sense of loss. Yesterday we'd taken a tour of the homes in our community and she and her husband loved one of the models that started at one hundred a sixty thousand, reasonable for them and likely a doable price tag. Still they need to think on it as it is forty five minutes from the city and both her and her husband work in the city not too far from where they live. I of course along with Cary hold a little light of excitement at the thought of them moving close to us, possibly walking distance from our home. This community has a lot to offer because it is after all a resort community that comes with a community center with a pool, workout facility, conference room, game room and even a yoga studio, not to mention the bike and walking paths. At the end of the evening after having had our dinner and desert it was time to say goodbye. As has happened in the past my daughter texted me to thank me and had already posted a sad face onto FaceBook because she was leaving her dad's house. I felt a serge of emotion and what I knew as that I am vulnerable and at the same time grateful that she is spending every other weekend with us. Her and the kids seem to enjoy their time with us and I cannot ever express how much it means to me. Family is truly everything and in my state of physical and emotional being I feel lucky to have such a great group of people in my life who are willing to show up for us.
Frankly as one would expect, some people have not shown up for me and whatever reasons they might have are likely legitimate. I speculate that some may have an issue with showing up and witnessing illness or a different and new Elliott Collazo. Some may not know what to say while others are so wrapped up in their own lives that they can barely show up for themselves as I have often shared with my partner and children. Whatever the reason my new mission is to be understanding and to be centered in my own joy and healing. There must be an element of forgiveness and another part understanding. Everyone does not process things in the same manner and everyone's idea of loving and supporting someone is not the same. In the meantime I am being asked to give myself permission to ask for what I need and get what I can as well as to do my best to be present for myself. This is my long term lesson and I know God is asking me to learn it. I keep practicing and I keep being placed in situations where I must show up. I absolutely refuse to not get up in the morning or stay in bed all day because I perceive some people in my life as no shows. Although that may very well be accurate in the end it makes absolutely no difference in my own recovery and in my own healing process. I will heal and recover only when I understand that my legs are still functioning, my mind is still in tact and that I can do it with god's grace.
Today like other days I prepared for my ritual of changing my colostomy bag. This requires me to bring my phone into the restroom along with a small blue tooth speaker. I play pandora on my meditation station that I created and begin by being silent and breathing. I then turn on the candle in side a hurricane of glass and slowly take the tape apart that attaches the bag to my body that is now where I eliminate on the side of my waist. I can smell the familiar smells that at first repulsed me but now I am becoming more use to. Unfortunately I am not quite at a place where I am in complete acceptance nor have I completely embraced this new body with twenty four stitches and dark small marks that are the evidence of a five hour surgery. I keep telling myself not to cry. This time I kept repeated telling Elliott that he would not cry. There still remains the residue of my upbringing as a child that did not give boys permission to emote. Still with the music of Liquid Mind on the little speaker and my eyes looking down at where I would place my bag tears began to gather up inside until eventually they had to come out. Tears cannot hide inside our chest because eventually they must come out, they will come out anyway. Once again I released them and once more I felt the relief . Right at the moment when I had completed my We will not be receiving or serving red wine. Not a good combination on white furniture.
Thank you.
meditation and dried up my tears my husband opens the door to the bathroom and scared me. He asked me what I was doing all that time and I calmly responded: " I was crying" and waltzed out of the restroom as if I'd come out of a revolving door, much better for the wear, as they say. I don't have to worry about this ritual for another five days and very honestly I feel relieved. Maybe someday it will feel normal to me once I realize that I might be here on the earth for a while and all the scars heal completely, I have five on various parts of my body. I will likely feel more normal some time in the future and of course I am looking forward to that day. As I knelt on the rug in my bathroom facing the window and taking the time to let the rest of my heart feel the hurt I thought about all the parents who are unemployed and cannot buy food for their children, the women who are being abused by their husbands and the elderly people who cannot afford to buy much needed health supplies. I then looked within and realized how much I have in my own life and promptly got off my knees feeling much less sorry for myself than I started.
Look at your lives, at every aspect of your life. Look at all that you have, the love, the connection, a job and a home. Look at your children and how healthy they are, how much laughter comes out of them. Look at the blanket that you cover yourself with every night and the warm home that you sleep in. Take a long hard look at all the gifts that you have that you take for granted and all the people in the world who wish they had one car when you have two. Look around you and see the light of God in your life and that of your family. Be focused on all the abundance rather than to be focused on what you don't have.
I may not have the same worked out physically fit body I had less than a year ago and I may have some scars on me. I will look in the mirror and there will be notable differences in the way that I look. I have aged and I have lost a lot of weight that is true. But what I still have is my breath and my life, my children and a hard working partner. A warm bed and plenty of food. Grandchildren who love me. Daughters who hug me. I am looking at my life each day and what I know is that I am truly blessed and truly prosperous. Look at your life my beloved friends and family. Look closely at your life, for it is a perfect gift from god.
Frankly as one would expect, some people have not shown up for me and whatever reasons they might have are likely legitimate. I speculate that some may have an issue with showing up and witnessing illness or a different and new Elliott Collazo. Some may not know what to say while others are so wrapped up in their own lives that they can barely show up for themselves as I have often shared with my partner and children. Whatever the reason my new mission is to be understanding and to be centered in my own joy and healing. There must be an element of forgiveness and another part understanding. Everyone does not process things in the same manner and everyone's idea of loving and supporting someone is not the same. In the meantime I am being asked to give myself permission to ask for what I need and get what I can as well as to do my best to be present for myself. This is my long term lesson and I know God is asking me to learn it. I keep practicing and I keep being placed in situations where I must show up. I absolutely refuse to not get up in the morning or stay in bed all day because I perceive some people in my life as no shows. Although that may very well be accurate in the end it makes absolutely no difference in my own recovery and in my own healing process. I will heal and recover only when I understand that my legs are still functioning, my mind is still in tact and that I can do it with god's grace.
Today like other days I prepared for my ritual of changing my colostomy bag. This requires me to bring my phone into the restroom along with a small blue tooth speaker. I play pandora on my meditation station that I created and begin by being silent and breathing. I then turn on the candle in side a hurricane of glass and slowly take the tape apart that attaches the bag to my body that is now where I eliminate on the side of my waist. I can smell the familiar smells that at first repulsed me but now I am becoming more use to. Unfortunately I am not quite at a place where I am in complete acceptance nor have I completely embraced this new body with twenty four stitches and dark small marks that are the evidence of a five hour surgery. I keep telling myself not to cry. This time I kept repeated telling Elliott that he would not cry. There still remains the residue of my upbringing as a child that did not give boys permission to emote. Still with the music of Liquid Mind on the little speaker and my eyes looking down at where I would place my bag tears began to gather up inside until eventually they had to come out. Tears cannot hide inside our chest because eventually they must come out, they will come out anyway. Once again I released them and once more I felt the relief . Right at the moment when I had completed my We will not be receiving or serving red wine. Not a good combination on white furniture.
Thank you.
meditation and dried up my tears my husband opens the door to the bathroom and scared me. He asked me what I was doing all that time and I calmly responded: " I was crying" and waltzed out of the restroom as if I'd come out of a revolving door, much better for the wear, as they say. I don't have to worry about this ritual for another five days and very honestly I feel relieved. Maybe someday it will feel normal to me once I realize that I might be here on the earth for a while and all the scars heal completely, I have five on various parts of my body. I will likely feel more normal some time in the future and of course I am looking forward to that day. As I knelt on the rug in my bathroom facing the window and taking the time to let the rest of my heart feel the hurt I thought about all the parents who are unemployed and cannot buy food for their children, the women who are being abused by their husbands and the elderly people who cannot afford to buy much needed health supplies. I then looked within and realized how much I have in my own life and promptly got off my knees feeling much less sorry for myself than I started.
Look at your lives, at every aspect of your life. Look at all that you have, the love, the connection, a job and a home. Look at your children and how healthy they are, how much laughter comes out of them. Look at the blanket that you cover yourself with every night and the warm home that you sleep in. Take a long hard look at all the gifts that you have that you take for granted and all the people in the world who wish they had one car when you have two. Look around you and see the light of God in your life and that of your family. Be focused on all the abundance rather than to be focused on what you don't have.
I may not have the same worked out physically fit body I had less than a year ago and I may have some scars on me. I will look in the mirror and there will be notable differences in the way that I look. I have aged and I have lost a lot of weight that is true. But what I still have is my breath and my life, my children and a hard working partner. A warm bed and plenty of food. Grandchildren who love me. Daughters who hug me. I am looking at my life each day and what I know is that I am truly blessed and truly prosperous. Look at your life my beloved friends and family. Look closely at your life, for it is a perfect gift from god.
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