Showing Up For You

Yesterday a friend was scheduled to come and visit me and stay overnight.  He was to arrive at 1pm and the plan was that he would stay overnight in our lovely guest room.  As usual I prepared for my guest by making sure the bed was made perfectly and the towels were on the bed with a satin ribbon tied around them.  I even made sure there was a magazine and a movie on the desk in the room and placed three battery operated candles on the window.  I lit the room with the floor lamp in the corner by the bed creating the most inviting and peaceful tone possible.  As some of you may have already guessed, my friend did not show up.  In fact there was no call from him and eventually at 4:30 in the evening he sent me an email apologizing for not being able to come sighting some drama in his life with his partner that included him taking his car and "breaking his phone".  My dark side doubted his explanation as it sounded like something one would possibly make up when our story has to be a really good one or we think it has to be.  It was likely the truth but there was a part of me that could not digest it fully.  The part that was amazing to me was that I was not angry.  I was disappointed but not angry.  In addition knowing the his history I was frankly not surprised.  In the email he pointed out how his life was somewhat filled with this type of drama and that he felt he needed to get this person out of his life.  Whether his story was accurate or not doesn't matter because in the end it is about my reaction and how I respond to this kind thing.  We all know it's not about him but more about me and how I decide to receive this message.  

After sharing my disappointment with my daughter she shared this quote: "Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".  I thought about this and although I was not angry I know that in the past I would have been.  I even thought about the fact that my friend has had a pattern of not being able to show up for me and then realized that he has a lot of trouble showing up for himself.  It brought me to a place of compassion and love rather than focusing on my disappointment or sadness.  I could view this situation as one where a person has struggled for many years to show up for himself and I was more able to be in my own peace around it.  I thought about the fact that my daughter Camille  had offered to come by and care for me.  She changed that plan because my friend was coming by and he had even offered to make me some soup.  I thought about how nice it would have been to share some time with my kid and I know she would have come through for me and even made me something to eat.  I could have been nurtured by her.  What I know now is that this was not meant to be and my friend not showing up was meant to be.  It was for me an  opportunity to care for myself and a sign from goddess that I am never really alone and that I am capable of taking care of Elliott.  I no longer need someone to be here with me and I can get along alone for two days while my husband works in the city and stays with a friend.  It is likely my time to test my ability to care for myself and to show up for myself.  

During this time since my operation I have cried daily.  I have shared this before.  I have cried over the loss and I have even cried over the pain.  I have let my guard down for myself and in service to my healing.  At first I had someone with me taking care of me every day and doing housework.  This person catered on me and made sure that I ate at a time when I was in a lot of pain.  That is what was to be and now this is what is to be.  Now it is time to see how well I take care of myself.  Now is the time to step up and show up for myself and my friend not showing up  yesterday is in fact a blessing. I need not be upset in any way but rather grateful to him because his not showing up for me asked me to show up for myself.  His not being here with me and my daughter not being here with me will teach me that I can do this when needed and that there is no reason to be disappointed.  I am grateful for this experience because I was suppose to have it.  This experience was my lesson and my friend is my teacher.  This experience asks me to show up for Elliott and focus my energy where it belongs.  This experience teaches me that although I cannot depend on another human being I can depend on myself and God.  I am not alone and god's wisdom will move me along.  I am never alone as long as there are trees outside my home and snow on the ground that is a testament to Spirit being present in my daily life.  

In the end, I am in a place of forgiveness around my friend not showing up.  I am in a place of forgiving him and forgiving myself for any judgements of him or myself.  I forgive myself for believing that I am not worthy of nurturing myself and believing that others have to do that for me.  I forgive myself for thinking that my friend set out to hurt me in any way by not coming over and making me soup.  I forgive myself for thinking that I cannot take care of myself.  I forgive myself for forgetting that god is ever present in my life and that I am not alone.  As is usual forgiveness is the key to moving on, especially when we are disappointed or become judgemental about any incident in our lives.  In fact, it is my intention to send love to my friend and to understand that his struggle is the same as mine, the ability to show up for himself and care for himself.  When I look at it from that place I can see more clearly that him not showing up for me is really about him not being able to show up for himself.  I pray he will get better at that and that I too will improve at showing up for Elliott.  

I am again asking all of you to ask yourself a few questions like:

How do I show up for myself when others don't show up for me? 

How can I be in a place of forgiveness when others disappoint me or I disappoint myself?

Who is responsible for my well being and my nurturing but me?

What can I do on a daily basis in service to my healing and my well being?

Who is responsible for my joy?  

Where is God, Spirit, Goddess in my life and how do I honor this presence every day of my life?