New Normal?

I have uncovered my new normal and just when I thought I was there I have been told that there are cancerous growths on my body parts that may be in need of radiation.  My life has turned into a new step and a new exercise in faith and in strength and god.  I keep thinking that god won't administer another test if I cannot bear it yet I cannot help but to feel just a little sorry for my ass.  Literally and figuratively.  Just when I started to stop my crying episodes god is asking me to clean the bathroom, let the painters in and run the boxes of stuff to the basement where I don't have to look at it if not just for now.  Under the floor in our family room are boxes of decorations for holidays for my granddaughters parties and a Christmas tree that is not tall enough for a twenty story ceiling in our home where the tree will likely reside this year.

What you may ask is keeping me breathing and in action?  Well, if I were to jump out of our two story house in the cold icy winter of PIngree Grove' Illinois forty five minutes from the city I would likely break my toe but have to eventually get up and get back in the house because the nurse that works for the insurance company seems to think I might be better off sedated on anti depressants, the same types of drugs that people have committed suicide taking because not only did they stay depressed they became suicidal.  There I said it.  I would rather feel my feelings although coming from a "life coach" that may seem a rather strange encouragement for others.  I would say do what you think is best for you.  I think the insurance company nurse social worker might like me sedated so I won't cause any future problems and now that I stopped taking pain meds I have become a conscious person who might begin to advocate for my own health and pursue every avenue to ensure that they pay their dues.  I cannot do that when I am medicated up.  There I said that too.

Today I spoke to K who I met at OHI and she has been battling even more with cancer than I or maybe she is my soul sister.  We have both struggled on and off with self care and cancer for some years.  She had me roaring with laughter because unlike others she knows what I am talking about.  The rock star doctors who pass you from one to the other and who charge eight hundred dollars for a doctor's visit.  The ones that operate you and pass you on to the next good old boy.  All well meaning, all very smart, all very sure and all deserving of their title and likely their Mercedes in the hospital lot.  I know, I sound bitter don't I?  Well, maybe I am and maybe I won't apologize for it.  Maybe I am in my ego once in a while these days and maybe I am pissed?  All that said I have already turned it over to god.  From the well meaning doctors to the friends who stopped emailing or calling to the girl who made it about herself when she talked to me who I love and want to honor.  From the daughter who cries privately to the husband that hides his emotions because he simply did not learn how not to, just like me.  Is it not so ironic how we are so alike after all?  The ones with Phd's and the ones with a beauty license.  We are all the same.  None of us are better than anyone else, not even Elliott.  Me.

As I carefully empty my new bag it is almost three in the morning and I spent my day jumping right out of bed at 8am, opening the door to the painter who were going to apply the aqua blue and sand to our walls and frantically running back and forth to some great latin music on Pandora.  My lovely husband was at the car dealership having the car repaired because this is what brings him joy.  Boy I pray none of his friends or family are reading this right now.  Well, life is what it is.  The second hour I met him at the back door and began to instruct him on what to do to hurry up and empty the pantry for the painters after having taken my very old fur coat and other coats we don't wear to the basement where "I don't have to look at it for now", like my new colostomy bag that is to my delight, NOT see through.  Who knew?

My best friends in life are going to New York on Friday to Monday.  One is sending her husband and his four year old to my house on Saturday because I love him and I love his kid and she could use a break right now.  I don't mind doing it and in fact I enjoy the company as does my husband.  I look forward to the days when the house is filled with the laughter and the smiles of little ones.  That makes my life so much more interesting believe me.  Some friends are forever like they are and I find them to be my newest and brightest teachers.  No matter how much I feel sorry for me they allow me to get my own head out of my ass to focus on that half full glass.  Remember the half full glass?

Today eight lovely people painted our home to look like a lake house and to feel like sand and water.  It took one day to turn my home upside down and then color it beautifully.  It is going to take another month to bring it back to semi-normal but I don't really give a shit.  I guess I should but I am focused more on beleiving and holding the light for me and my family.  Being in gratitude for all that I have.  My new normal.