My Missionary Experience (continued)
Today is day six of ninety, not that I am counting, because if I do I will literally lose my mind. In fact the number will be eliminated from my blogs soon when I finally settle in and report that I am over the hurdles, just not yet. I will admit that today I went to Walgreens to get some garbage bags and ended up with a tiny bag of peanuts. It had 1 gram of sugar and after eating it I did not feel the least bit guilty. The requirement to stay on the strict diet here makes sense until the temptation takes you elsewhere and the emotions become scattered in your head. I ate the peanuts OK, I ate the dam peanuts! I will do better next time, I promise!
I woke up this morning feeling the loneliness of being alone for the first time in a very long time. The last time I came to OHI I was here for two weeks, the first week with a friend and the second week with my awesome sister. It was so much better. I had thought I had a roommate and as it turns out I don't. There are really no accidents as my adjusting is taking time and maybe if I had someone in the space with me I would not learn whatever lesson being alone is providing for me. This way I can only be with myself, feel my feelings and not be distracted? Maybe that is the lesson? Whatever the lonely feelings bring forward and whatever being along stands for, I am sure that it's part of my learning and part of the journey to healing and to serving. The privacy leaves me with a feeling that in the end I have been blessed for when we are left alone we cannot chatter our way through the next minute or hour or day. We must be with ourselves, become quiet and since there is no one to talk to, we can take the time to talk to God. In fact that may very well be the lesson.
Every moment becomes more and more sacred and every moment is one that I can either use to stay hooked to the technology and the outside world or it could be more about staying tuned into my feelings and what I am here for. Every hour is a chance to decide what I should be doing with my time aside from thinking about doing without the stuff out there. Every single minute is an opportunity to heal or to worry about something I have no control over. I have to decide from one minute to the next. Should I read, walk, interact with others, sleep or watch 20/20 on my iPad? Should I get on FB and connect with people who are normally disconnected from their feelings because I am? Should I spend my time nurturing myself and what does that look like? I have a really strong feeling that I am going to find out exactly what that looks like and what it is like! I have a feeling I am going to have to figure that out by digging deep into my inner wisdom, inner guide and Goddess light. The truth about how we spend our time is more about how can we not allow distractions and make those distractions our relief from stress when we should be looking for nothing, just silence, peace, quiet and serenity. We should turn off all those outer noises and the influence that they have on us: the people, the material things, the televisions and the loud music. I think it all needs to be turned off. Go ahead turn it the hell off!
I am here for a purpose. I am not going to pretend to know exactly what it is. I have an idea that I am here for a reason and that it is to serve. I have this idea that I need to find the middle ground between being a hero, serving and being in my own healing. I am uncertain but like I said before I feel like I don't need to know. This feels like a test in allowing myself and the universe to flow. Maybe it is a test in God proving to me that anywhere is home and that I can make a home anywhere I am living. Maybe I am being asked to sacrifice what is familiar and comfortable for me. Surprise, surprise Elliott! The truth is that there is not really some hidden surprise, there is only what is being asked of me and then there is only me listening and responding according to the message. I think all of you can respond to your own message and take my experience, I am not special, utilising it to awaken your own senses and your own purpose. How much do you love yourself? Do you love yourself enough to do everything that it takes to rise up to the very highest level of self love and loving? Someone I love asked me this question: What if you are healed and not cured, would that be OK with you? I thought about this for a moment. What does that mean really? What came up for me is that it meant that I could be spiritually and emotionally healed but not be physically cured. My answer was "Yes, I am OK with that" to which she smiled.
I woke up this morning feeling the loneliness of being alone for the first time in a very long time. The last time I came to OHI I was here for two weeks, the first week with a friend and the second week with my awesome sister. It was so much better. I had thought I had a roommate and as it turns out I don't. There are really no accidents as my adjusting is taking time and maybe if I had someone in the space with me I would not learn whatever lesson being alone is providing for me. This way I can only be with myself, feel my feelings and not be distracted? Maybe that is the lesson? Whatever the lonely feelings bring forward and whatever being along stands for, I am sure that it's part of my learning and part of the journey to healing and to serving. The privacy leaves me with a feeling that in the end I have been blessed for when we are left alone we cannot chatter our way through the next minute or hour or day. We must be with ourselves, become quiet and since there is no one to talk to, we can take the time to talk to God. In fact that may very well be the lesson.
Every moment becomes more and more sacred and every moment is one that I can either use to stay hooked to the technology and the outside world or it could be more about staying tuned into my feelings and what I am here for. Every hour is a chance to decide what I should be doing with my time aside from thinking about doing without the stuff out there. Every single minute is an opportunity to heal or to worry about something I have no control over. I have to decide from one minute to the next. Should I read, walk, interact with others, sleep or watch 20/20 on my iPad? Should I get on FB and connect with people who are normally disconnected from their feelings because I am? Should I spend my time nurturing myself and what does that look like? I have a really strong feeling that I am going to find out exactly what that looks like and what it is like! I have a feeling I am going to have to figure that out by digging deep into my inner wisdom, inner guide and Goddess light. The truth about how we spend our time is more about how can we not allow distractions and make those distractions our relief from stress when we should be looking for nothing, just silence, peace, quiet and serenity. We should turn off all those outer noises and the influence that they have on us: the people, the material things, the televisions and the loud music. I think it all needs to be turned off. Go ahead turn it the hell off!
I am here for a purpose. I am not going to pretend to know exactly what it is. I have an idea that I am here for a reason and that it is to serve. I have this idea that I need to find the middle ground between being a hero, serving and being in my own healing. I am uncertain but like I said before I feel like I don't need to know. This feels like a test in allowing myself and the universe to flow. Maybe it is a test in God proving to me that anywhere is home and that I can make a home anywhere I am living. Maybe I am being asked to sacrifice what is familiar and comfortable for me. Surprise, surprise Elliott! The truth is that there is not really some hidden surprise, there is only what is being asked of me and then there is only me listening and responding according to the message. I think all of you can respond to your own message and take my experience, I am not special, utilising it to awaken your own senses and your own purpose. How much do you love yourself? Do you love yourself enough to do everything that it takes to rise up to the very highest level of self love and loving? Someone I love asked me this question: What if you are healed and not cured, would that be OK with you? I thought about this for a moment. What does that mean really? What came up for me is that it meant that I could be spiritually and emotionally healed but not be physically cured. My answer was "Yes, I am OK with that" to which she smiled.
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