About Relationships

We learn to be in relationships early in our lives.  Some of us know from the time we were very young whether we are good at establishing, nurturing and keeping relationships.  While some of us have friends that we knew from grammar school others never have that long a relationship life with anyone.  The most challenging relationship we will know is that one on one love relationship because it is intimate and involves a different and more emotional part of us.  Marriage is one of the ways that we decide to confirm relationship and it is by far a serious and big commitment.  As evidenced by the divorce rate marriage is not easily accomplished and many of us decide to end relationships because it does not work out.  But why is it that some of us are better at relationships while others seem to struggle with their relationships?  Here's why:

We go into relationship and are not ready: 

Many of us are not ready to be in any relationship that requires our commitment because we are not ready.  We are unsure of who we are and our life is a struggle so we look to be in a relationship when we don't have a good one with ourselves.  It is important of each of us to heal from our own issues that will rise up in our relationships with others.  Some may call this baggage while others refer to someone else having too many issues.  The fact is that if you have emotional issues that have not been addressed relationships will be a huge challenge.  Dealing with our own emotional issues and our relationship with self is something we must address before we decide to get into a relationship.  

We accept the first person that comes our way: 

Millions of people apparently go into marriage that end up in divorce.  At times the duration of a marriage is shorter than a year.  The very reason that this happens is because we accept people in our lives that are not our match.  We don't get to know someone before we make a serious commitment with them, either moving with them or marrying them much too soon.  We simply don't take the time to get to know a person and accept whatever comes our way believing that this is the best we will get.  The reality is that we settle much too soon for people who are not aligned with our deepest beliefs or people who are very different from us.  Dating someone for a minimum of a year is in fact a good way to determine whether he or she is the person you want to be in a relationship with.  

We ignore the yellow and red flags: 

Let's be really honest.  We know when a person is not for us but we don't listen to the messages that tell us that this person is not the right one.  We excuse bad behaviors or even the subtle abusive behaviors like jealousy and a lack of emotional connection.  We tend to falsely think that this person will change or we will be able to love them to the point of change.  The fact is that we cannot change anyone and that what we see is what we get.  It is the negation of our intuition that makes us vulnerable to being in the wrong relationship with the wrong person.  When we listen to our intuition then we do not ignore the signs that tell us that his is not the person for us.  We must always listen to those subtle messages and the not so subtle behaviors that tell us not to pursue a relationship.  We must also know that we deserve to be in the company of someone who is kind, loving and emotionally present.  

We will know the one: 

It may sound silly but when we meet the person of our dreams we will know it.  It will be a graceful connection that does not require tedious work and emotional messes.  It will be a person we get along with well and that we would consider someone who will be a great friend.  We will take our time and really get to know that person before we make any serious commitments or take the step of living together.  It will be an experience that is effortless and does not require that we work so hard to make things happen.  When the person is the right person for us we are able to laugh and enjoy their company as well as enjoy our own time alone.  When we are in a positive emotional place and have dealt with our own issues we eliminate the threat of our own baggage being brought into the relationship and destroying it.  When we are ready for a relationship we know it and we are honest about who we are and who that person is that we have met.  We take all the time we need to get to know someone well and start a loving relationship based on facts versus fantasy.  

Coach Elliott