Monogamy Is Natural?

A simple definition of monogamy is that one is committed to one person sexually and don't have any sex with any other person.  Much of the time we assume that if we marry someone that it is a monogamous relationship, yet if we do not have the conversation it is likely not a good idea to assume that the other person will not stray.  Many well-educated and well-versed people will say that monogamy is not natural while there are others who believe that the only way to be in a relationship is to be monogamous.  Whatever side one is on is not as important to me as sharing what I have observed, experienced and counseled couples through as it relates to monogamy.  

Monogamy as Natural: 

It seems apparent to me given the facts that for some monogamy is simply not natural.  For many people monogamy is a struggle and eventually becomes so difficult that they fail at it, resulting in what we refer to as affairs.  Still we are living in a society that publicly promotes one partner at a time, one spouse at a time, one relationship at a time and that in many ways (legal law included) is looked at as the norm.  In fact, we frown on those who are married and have an affair and look upon it as a "betrayal".  At the depth of affairs are situations whereby one person ends up dead at the hands of a jealous spouse or partner.  I think it is a good idea to look at all the affairs people have as a response to monogamy and the pressure that it creates in a relationship for some.  Perhaps it is not as natural as we think?  

Open Relationships: 

There are many people having open relationships whereby they are given permission to have a sexual experience with whom they like usually based on some set boundaries.  The people that believe in open relationships are in fact ones who don't believe that monogamy works.  For these people it opens the path to love and the expression of love, giving it variety and excitement.  While open relationships seem to be the only alternative to monogamy there are many other variations of it as there are many varieties of taste and of needs.  Open relationships can work as long as both parties agree and have agreements around it that are specific and as long as there is emotional openness.  

Polyamorous Relationships: 

Here is where everything we have learned hits the wall and nothing sticks.  In these types of relationships there are more than two people living together or spending time together who like or love each other.  The picture we have in our head is of a man with various wives yet today that has all changed and it could be a woman with more than one partner or a group of males and females who want to be together and have multiple partners.  Polyamory is illegal in most of the US and in may other countries.  I cannot help but to think that it is because it breaks that mold that our government promotes, after all we can monitor a husband with one wife much easier than a group of people.  What do we do with that kind of society?  Who does the tax man go after?  What would divorce lawyers do?  We are scared, like other things in life, of that which we don't understand and cannot place in a box.  A multi-partnership is not for everyone but should we not all be allowed to do what we think best for us?  Are we not smart enough to make that decision for ourselves? 

No Committed Relationship: 

It seems to me that a conversation about monogamy would not be complete without talking about choosing to be single and being in a relationship with anyone.  There is so much pressure to be with someone and to believe that this validates us and yet what may be the most natural for us is to be single and be happy alone.  We don't need to be in love with anyone or any group or be attached to any outcome.  We can simply live life as a single entity and be OK with that.  In fact we can celebrate that.