Establishing Boundaries
It becomes more clear to me as I age and become wiser that boundaries are more essential to living a joyful life than ever before. Setting those boundaries is not an easy task but we all need to do it and if we do we will be happier and healthier human beings. Each person we interact with daily and those we happen to interact with in the moment need to know what our boundaries are and be clear that we have clarity around the lines we draw.
Boundaries can be seen as the perimeters within which we live our life and what people need to know and honor about our personal space. Not setting boundaries results in some complicated and at times troublesome situations that are not only uncomfortable for you but also for others who are unclear as to where your lines are located and why. We must know what our perimeters are and where the lines are drawn and in this manner let others know. This requires that we speak up when someone crosses them. As I shared recently my boundaries were crossed recently and it felt truly disrespectful and the incident elicited anger and shock in me. What I realized is that I should have set my boundaries with this individual a long time ago and that I enabled and allowed her to think that it was OK for her to say and do things that were a crossing of my boundaries and space.
Making clear what our boundaries are helps us to avoid incidents of continued disrespect, bullying or mistreatment by others. Clear statements that point out to others what your boundaries are when they cross them is essential and important to honoring your heart and the hearts of others around you. If someone decides to cross your line statements like: "I need you to honor me by not saying things that are unkind" and "I am not in agreement with that type of language and find it offensive" and "I feel like you have crossed my boundaries and I ask that you respect my space" will be clear messages that invite understanding and maintains your dignity in any relationship.
It is especially hard to keep boundaries between ourselves and family members because it seems that when we are related there is this myth that we have the right to say whatever we want to say to others in our family. We seem to be under this false impression that it is more acceptable to cross our sibling's or child's boundaries because we are blood related and falsely feel some sort of ownership. The truth is that every one's boundaries should be respected even if they are family. Letting family members know how you would like to be treated and that you expect to be respected is key to having healthy relationships. Simple statements indicating that your boundaries are being crossed might sound like this: "I love you but it is not acceptable to yell at me or name call me" or "I have the expectation that you are going to treat me in a loving and compassionate manner" or "I want to be clear in saying that those kinds of words are hurtful and I am not aligned with the use of these words in that I deem hurtful". Clearly being related to another person makes it all the more important to set boundaries around all types of things such as the lending and borrowing of money. Making limits clear to your family members from the start will serve your relationship and avoid resentments.
For some of us something as simple as saying no is difficult. We have learned to please others and believe that if we say yes others will be pleased with us. When we say no because we believe that it is not something we would like to do or accept we are saying yes to living our life with integrity. Some of us could use some practice in saying no and honoring our truth. Checking in before we respond with a yes or a no is a good start. This is the most basic form of honoring our spirit and our hearts.
I want to challenge you to find your boundaries, your limits and what you deem as as an offense. Then write some statements that you will use when a situation comes up where your boundaries are crossed. Lastly take a note of how well you are doing keeping your boundaries with others and letting others know what is acceptable, loving and kind to you. Do this for two weeks consecutively documenting the results each night. Remember that boundaries are a way of exacting and defining your worth and that you deserve to be respected and treated with respect and honor.
In Light and Joy,
Coach Elliott
Boundaries Worksheet:
What are your boundaries?
Who has has crossed them and why do you think they have crossed them?
What are some concise, honest and respectful statements you can use when someone crosses your boundaries?
Who in your life needs to know your boundaries and how and when will you address that with them?
What have you done in the past when someone crosses your boundaries?
What are the consequences for people who continue to cross your boundaries or disrespect you after you have asked them not to?
Boundaries can be seen as the perimeters within which we live our life and what people need to know and honor about our personal space. Not setting boundaries results in some complicated and at times troublesome situations that are not only uncomfortable for you but also for others who are unclear as to where your lines are located and why. We must know what our perimeters are and where the lines are drawn and in this manner let others know. This requires that we speak up when someone crosses them. As I shared recently my boundaries were crossed recently and it felt truly disrespectful and the incident elicited anger and shock in me. What I realized is that I should have set my boundaries with this individual a long time ago and that I enabled and allowed her to think that it was OK for her to say and do things that were a crossing of my boundaries and space.
Making clear what our boundaries are helps us to avoid incidents of continued disrespect, bullying or mistreatment by others. Clear statements that point out to others what your boundaries are when they cross them is essential and important to honoring your heart and the hearts of others around you. If someone decides to cross your line statements like: "I need you to honor me by not saying things that are unkind" and "I am not in agreement with that type of language and find it offensive" and "I feel like you have crossed my boundaries and I ask that you respect my space" will be clear messages that invite understanding and maintains your dignity in any relationship.
It is especially hard to keep boundaries between ourselves and family members because it seems that when we are related there is this myth that we have the right to say whatever we want to say to others in our family. We seem to be under this false impression that it is more acceptable to cross our sibling's or child's boundaries because we are blood related and falsely feel some sort of ownership. The truth is that every one's boundaries should be respected even if they are family. Letting family members know how you would like to be treated and that you expect to be respected is key to having healthy relationships. Simple statements indicating that your boundaries are being crossed might sound like this: "I love you but it is not acceptable to yell at me or name call me" or "I have the expectation that you are going to treat me in a loving and compassionate manner" or "I want to be clear in saying that those kinds of words are hurtful and I am not aligned with the use of these words in that I deem hurtful". Clearly being related to another person makes it all the more important to set boundaries around all types of things such as the lending and borrowing of money. Making limits clear to your family members from the start will serve your relationship and avoid resentments.
For some of us something as simple as saying no is difficult. We have learned to please others and believe that if we say yes others will be pleased with us. When we say no because we believe that it is not something we would like to do or accept we are saying yes to living our life with integrity. Some of us could use some practice in saying no and honoring our truth. Checking in before we respond with a yes or a no is a good start. This is the most basic form of honoring our spirit and our hearts.
I want to challenge you to find your boundaries, your limits and what you deem as as an offense. Then write some statements that you will use when a situation comes up where your boundaries are crossed. Lastly take a note of how well you are doing keeping your boundaries with others and letting others know what is acceptable, loving and kind to you. Do this for two weeks consecutively documenting the results each night. Remember that boundaries are a way of exacting and defining your worth and that you deserve to be respected and treated with respect and honor.
In Light and Joy,
Coach Elliott
Boundaries Worksheet:
What are your boundaries?
Who has has crossed them and why do you think they have crossed them?
What are some concise, honest and respectful statements you can use when someone crosses your boundaries?
Who in your life needs to know your boundaries and how and when will you address that with them?
What have you done in the past when someone crosses your boundaries?
What are the consequences for people who continue to cross your boundaries or disrespect you after you have asked them not to?
This is right on time for the new year. I find it especially helpful since I go out of my way to help others. Communicating to them that I expect the same kind of loving support that I give is one that I plan to communicate to others. Thanks for the blog.
ReplyDelete