Elements of Love # 3
The third element of love says:
"Is willing to defend you, him or herself and stand up for your relationship".
This element of love is another one of those things that people think are a given and yet for many it is completely non-existent. It is based on the premise that when we love someone we defend them and at the very least assure them that we will, even if we think they are wrong, short of them doing something criminally based. Our partner should know that we will defend them if the need arises and when the need arises it is our duty to lovingly defend our spouse. This is especially important when things become tangled with the in-laws or the family of the other person, because above all else the families of a couple must be aware of the collective and supportive relationship you both agreed to and that no one in the families are allowed to intrude in that sacred space. It is also important that the people who surround you both know that it is not an option to trash your partner or cross the intimate boundaries of your marriage or union as two people in love.
Defending your relationship is best defined as maintaining a loyalty to love. It means that the love that you have for one another keeps both of you from allowing anyone outside your relationship to disrespect you as individuals or as a couple or get negatively involved in your lives as a couple. I am talking about the type of behaviors that are intrusive and where others should not be treading. It is up to you and your partner to stand up for your relationship by putting a stop to anything that one or the other person deem uncomfortable, invasive or rude coming from outside sources. The best way to address the kinds of things that inevitably will happen is with honesty and firmness and by sharing that whatever they are doing is harmful to your connection with your partner. It is best to hear your partner's interpretation of what they deem disrespectful or rude and simply share it with the offender, versus challenging your partner or minimizing it.
It would be a kind of ideal scene if the person that you are married to knows how to effectively defend themselves against intrusive family members. Needless to say there are many people who do not defend themselves for all sorts of reasons like fear of rejection or a need to be validated. Such is the case when a mother withholds love from her adult child because they are not in agreement with their partner's treatment of them. In the end it is an abuse of power and as a parent we all know that this is simply a controlling and ego based response to our children. If we love them then we respect their decisions and rather than intrude we allow them to make their own mind up knowing fully that there are boundaries in our children's lives even if we are the parent. When a parent uses conditional love to get a child to comply that person never really grows up and in the end cannot defend themselves against a person who is determined to cross their relationship boundaries. If your partner is unable to defend him or herself the expectation that he or she will defend you borders on ridiculous.
The most minuscule way that a spouse defends the person they love is by speaking up for them when someone else disrespects them in their presence, specifically if the offender is a stranger or a person in his or her family who they know has a tendency to lash out or say things that are hurtful. Defending your partner does not mean that you have to insult the family member or offending party. When you defend your loved one it can be done in a way that is kind, compassionate and honest. Of course if the offender is a repeat offender as they say in the criminal field, then it may be likely that you will need to add firmness to your response, letting the person know that there will be consequences if the negative behaviors continue.
The truth about defending is that it is a strong level of honoring someone. We can think about the physical nature of defending where we literally fight for someone we love because there is danger of them being hurt. I remember an incident that in part I am not so proud of involving defending my former wife. Luz and I had only been married about a year and as was tradition we often went out to dance based on my love of dance and her loving awareness around that love of dance. She was always willing to dance with me which made it an even more joyful event. She not only learned to follow me she was as graceful as a swan. On this one evening we went to a club in Chicago on Broadway near Diversey. As we approached the building we could see there were a few people in line as this was a popular place to dance and they played great music. As I was accustomed to doing I escorted Luz Maria in front of me holding her waist from behind when suddenly the door person looked at me, pulled out his arm in front of her and said something like, "you cannot get in". I am not sure if he literally touched her but from my vantage point I assumed he had made contact with her breasts. I was immediately angry and said something to the affect of "keep your hands off of her" to which he responded with laughter. I am not proud of what happened next but let's just say that I physically defended the person that I loved and was the kindest soul I have known in my entire life. I did not believe that I needed to think about what I needed to do nor did I. I was 21 years of age and frankly there was a lot of testosterone level of ego living inside my rather thin frame. Yet to this day I never feel like what I did was completely wrong because it involved my belief that my partner, my spouse, my beloved was someone who deserved to be defended and know that with me she would be safer. Asking someone to defend you seems logical to me and having the expectation that someone you love will defend you seems like a pretty simple act of kindness attached to love, yet something tells me that it is not a given in relationships. I want to make sure to say that I am not talking about physically punching someone and drawing blood from their nose like I did (Did I just say that our loud?). I am talking about emotionally having someones back as my daughters would say. I am talking about loving someone enough to let everyone know that disrespect of any type is completely not acceptable and that we would defend our loved one to the last moment. I am not talking about crazed obsession although I have been called a lot of names and that would be a nice one, I am talking about the ability to stand up for love and to ensure that nothing and no one throws mud on your love life or your own life of love.
Today I would like to ask each of you to talk about this subject with the person you love, think you love, think you will fall in love with or is possibly going to be spending a lot of time in your life. If your partner has indicated that they feel helpless against any person in your camp talk about it. Open your heart up and ask them what you can do to honor and defend them and then do the work involved in making your loving partnership one that says: "We love each other and you cannot be unloving to us".
Coach Elliott
"Is willing to defend you, him or herself and stand up for your relationship".
This element of love is another one of those things that people think are a given and yet for many it is completely non-existent. It is based on the premise that when we love someone we defend them and at the very least assure them that we will, even if we think they are wrong, short of them doing something criminally based. Our partner should know that we will defend them if the need arises and when the need arises it is our duty to lovingly defend our spouse. This is especially important when things become tangled with the in-laws or the family of the other person, because above all else the families of a couple must be aware of the collective and supportive relationship you both agreed to and that no one in the families are allowed to intrude in that sacred space. It is also important that the people who surround you both know that it is not an option to trash your partner or cross the intimate boundaries of your marriage or union as two people in love.
Defending your relationship is best defined as maintaining a loyalty to love. It means that the love that you have for one another keeps both of you from allowing anyone outside your relationship to disrespect you as individuals or as a couple or get negatively involved in your lives as a couple. I am talking about the type of behaviors that are intrusive and where others should not be treading. It is up to you and your partner to stand up for your relationship by putting a stop to anything that one or the other person deem uncomfortable, invasive or rude coming from outside sources. The best way to address the kinds of things that inevitably will happen is with honesty and firmness and by sharing that whatever they are doing is harmful to your connection with your partner. It is best to hear your partner's interpretation of what they deem disrespectful or rude and simply share it with the offender, versus challenging your partner or minimizing it.
It would be a kind of ideal scene if the person that you are married to knows how to effectively defend themselves against intrusive family members. Needless to say there are many people who do not defend themselves for all sorts of reasons like fear of rejection or a need to be validated. Such is the case when a mother withholds love from her adult child because they are not in agreement with their partner's treatment of them. In the end it is an abuse of power and as a parent we all know that this is simply a controlling and ego based response to our children. If we love them then we respect their decisions and rather than intrude we allow them to make their own mind up knowing fully that there are boundaries in our children's lives even if we are the parent. When a parent uses conditional love to get a child to comply that person never really grows up and in the end cannot defend themselves against a person who is determined to cross their relationship boundaries. If your partner is unable to defend him or herself the expectation that he or she will defend you borders on ridiculous.
The most minuscule way that a spouse defends the person they love is by speaking up for them when someone else disrespects them in their presence, specifically if the offender is a stranger or a person in his or her family who they know has a tendency to lash out or say things that are hurtful. Defending your partner does not mean that you have to insult the family member or offending party. When you defend your loved one it can be done in a way that is kind, compassionate and honest. Of course if the offender is a repeat offender as they say in the criminal field, then it may be likely that you will need to add firmness to your response, letting the person know that there will be consequences if the negative behaviors continue.
The truth about defending is that it is a strong level of honoring someone. We can think about the physical nature of defending where we literally fight for someone we love because there is danger of them being hurt. I remember an incident that in part I am not so proud of involving defending my former wife. Luz and I had only been married about a year and as was tradition we often went out to dance based on my love of dance and her loving awareness around that love of dance. She was always willing to dance with me which made it an even more joyful event. She not only learned to follow me she was as graceful as a swan. On this one evening we went to a club in Chicago on Broadway near Diversey. As we approached the building we could see there were a few people in line as this was a popular place to dance and they played great music. As I was accustomed to doing I escorted Luz Maria in front of me holding her waist from behind when suddenly the door person looked at me, pulled out his arm in front of her and said something like, "you cannot get in". I am not sure if he literally touched her but from my vantage point I assumed he had made contact with her breasts. I was immediately angry and said something to the affect of "keep your hands off of her" to which he responded with laughter. I am not proud of what happened next but let's just say that I physically defended the person that I loved and was the kindest soul I have known in my entire life. I did not believe that I needed to think about what I needed to do nor did I. I was 21 years of age and frankly there was a lot of testosterone level of ego living inside my rather thin frame. Yet to this day I never feel like what I did was completely wrong because it involved my belief that my partner, my spouse, my beloved was someone who deserved to be defended and know that with me she would be safer. Asking someone to defend you seems logical to me and having the expectation that someone you love will defend you seems like a pretty simple act of kindness attached to love, yet something tells me that it is not a given in relationships. I want to make sure to say that I am not talking about physically punching someone and drawing blood from their nose like I did (Did I just say that our loud?). I am talking about emotionally having someones back as my daughters would say. I am talking about loving someone enough to let everyone know that disrespect of any type is completely not acceptable and that we would defend our loved one to the last moment. I am not talking about crazed obsession although I have been called a lot of names and that would be a nice one, I am talking about the ability to stand up for love and to ensure that nothing and no one throws mud on your love life or your own life of love.
Today I would like to ask each of you to talk about this subject with the person you love, think you love, think you will fall in love with or is possibly going to be spending a lot of time in your life. If your partner has indicated that they feel helpless against any person in your camp talk about it. Open your heart up and ask them what you can do to honor and defend them and then do the work involved in making your loving partnership one that says: "We love each other and you cannot be unloving to us".
Coach Elliott
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