Relationship Element # 1

I think I know what the elements of a loving relationship are but like many of you they often elude me.  I am more confused by the fact that they seem so logical and simple and yet so difficult to achieve.  I choose to believe that what makes a great relationship is two people willing to compromise, bend a little at a time, be present and witness one another. 

We all know what it looks and feels like when another person that you love sees you, witnesses who you are, acknowledges you and prizes you.  We have likely experienced what it is like to have this element missing in relationship.  I cannot speak for others but what I sense is that when a partner is unable to witness you it is not so much about you as it is about them.  I also believe that all of us have something about our selves that is worthy of witnessing, acknowledging and prizing.  When we are in a relationship where we are not witnessed we feel devalued and for some this is exactly the objective either consciously or unconsciously, to devalue someone else because of their own stuff.  The purpose of not witnessing someone else is many times about the other person's inability to love without conditions and to be secure enough to acknowledge another person. 

It may be a good idea to define what I believe is witnessing.  I would define it as seeing and feeling some of what another person feels and believes.  I think it is colored by unconditional love and that it does not have to be that you agree with the other person's viewpoint or feelings,  just that you acknowledge them.  Looking at someone in the face and listening to what they feel, believe or are in pain around is witnessing them.  Making statements like: "I understand how you feel and what you are thinking" are helpful and speak to the act of witnessing in a way that is about love and compassion.  When I witness someone I simply say, " I witness you beloved and want you to know I am honored that you shared that with me". 

There is not anything much worse than spilling our guts out to someone and they not responding with some sort of supportive statement and yet this happens all the time to us in relationships with others.  Part of the reason that we may not be as responsive as we should is attached to what I call a fear of responsibility and accountability.  When we witness we take on some responsibility to be in mentoring and love.  It is this kind of responsibility that we often times run from because it holds us accountable in relationship. It requires us to be present and get our own "head out of our ass". 

The perception that witnessing others is the same as agreeing with them is almost cave man like thinking in my book.  I believe it is really just an excuse for us to not do our own work by asking ourselves this question, Why do I think that witnessing another person makes me appear as though I agree and why can't I witness others without any conditions? For me this type of mentality is associated to how much self-love we have and how much witnessing we received.  It is also a myth that when we prize and witness others that this makes "their head big".  Again, it all goes back to our perception and our own self-esteem.  If we can prize others without regard and excuses then we are likely in a great place inside of our own feelings and our own life.  The inability to witness another person speaks volumes to our own insecurities and past pain. 

I hardly ever say this to anyone in specific but I am going to go "out on a limb" and say that if you are one of those people that is in a "loving" relationship and you are not being acknowledged then something might very well need healing and focus.  Acknowledgement is when another person can see your efforts, your inner beauty, your outer beauty and your talents.  It is a random act when the person you love can see what you do as a gift to them and be able to say that it is.  No it is not sufficient for him or her to say thank you although that is very nice, it is much more profound and deep than just a "thank you".  When you acknowledge your partner you take every opportunity to say things that are affirming like: "Beloved, I love the way that you prepare and meal and I see how much love and talent you put into it" OR "That is a beautiful dress and you look sexy in it".  When we can acknowledge someone we are saying that we don't take things for granted that our spouse says, does, creates, shares or works hard at. 

Prizing is the last part of the act of loving in a way that is all about action and language that touches the heart.  I hear from women that their spouse complimenting them means so much to them.  Since we all know what it is like not to receive prizing when we needed it or wanted it, we also know what it feels like to be prized.  That is an incredible feeling isn't it?  Don't deny it!  It is a  feeling we all would like to feel from our beloved partners.  One compliment a day would be nice and the best part is that it does not cost a dime.  Telling our partner how pretty her earrings are or how handsome his face is may be just the thing they need at any given time, so prize the one you love.  My grandmother would call it "throw them some flowers".  Of course it doesn't sound as exotic in English but it does have a heck of a great meaning.  It is more like "shower them with flowers (compliments). 

I want to admit to all of you that I know the pain of not being seen.  I remember when I was in second grade and the teacher stated each of our names.  Mine was one of the first since my last name begins with a C.  She pronounced my name in what I would call an anglo like manner.  My last name is Collazo and the double L has a Y sound, so when she said it I corrected her to which she responded with, "what kind of name is that?" to which I stated, "Puerto Rican" and then she said, "What is that?".  I could not have known deep inside what her response really meant but I can say that my heart dropped when all the kids in class laughed.  I sensed they were laughing at me and that they too were ignorant of what a Puerto Rican was or where Puerto Rico was located.  In the end I felt humiliated and the lack of witnessing and compassion was the missing piece in this dialog between the little handsome boy of color and his beloved teacher. 

Not being seen is not being witnessed.  Not seeing our value is not being acknowledged.  Not being prized is painful and hurtful not only to the other person we say we love but to ourselves.  I have another invitation for all of you and that is to be determined to witness, acknowledge and prize your  loved ones, specifically that one person who loves you so very much and lays right there next to you in the bed. 

As usual I invite your commentary and ask that you go to the end of this BLOG right now and input then in the box and then click "publish".  If your comment is not complimentary I am way OK with that as long as it is productive my beloveds.  I witness you for the miracle that you are, I acknowledge you for your talents and I want to say that you are beautiful because as they say, "God don't make no junk". 
Coach Elliott