Coach Elliott

I got up early today thinking about the possibility of getting a pedicure in the morning before I had to be at my doctor's appointment.  I actually woke up with a little extra pep in my step and a lot of gratitude.  I was even grateful to get up at a friend's home who made me coffee before he left to work.  As it turned out I got to the nail salon for my pedicure at ten in the morning just before I had to be at the plastic surgeon's office to have him check his handy work.  I am still not healed and there is still some "drainage" but it looks like I am well on my way to healing.  Still the limitations are that I cannot sit, take a bath in a tub or drive a car.  Even though that seems frustrating I am OK with it and would rather be safe than sorry.  Emotionally it is a separate journey for me, trying to accept my limits and the fact that I am not "normal".  In fact I will never be normal again.  I would like to say that I don't care but t...

I know that in AA there is a motto and that motto is to take "one day at time".  It sounds logical and it makes a lot of sense to me.  I only wish it were that easily implemented in my life.  How do I live my life just one day at a time when I am concerned about my state of physical being and I have so little energy?  How do I just not think about tomorrow and the fact that I have a doctor's appointment and the accumulation of bills that the insurance may not pay?  How do I live my life just today?  How do we live that way and is it possible?  In the end the answer is that I must live it one day at a time if I am to survive and thrive.  I cannot think about the future or live in the past.  I cannot think about what could of been or what could be.  I have to live in the here and now because it seems to be the only way for me to live. Today I woke up in a similar state from yesterday and the day before.  I had one good day last week...

Today marks the tenth day since my surgery.  It's been a good day and the woman who is staying to care for me at home, a friend's mother, has made my life much easier.  She has made me breakfast, lunch and dinner, ironed, washed clothing and made my bed.  She has smiled with me and listened to my stories.  It has been a good day and now I am unwinding realizing I have likely done enough and it's time to rest.  I did however nap for a bit this afternoon by the grace of god.  No pain pills needed.  My optimism is rising and my ability to see a future with my new body looks a little lighter than yesterday.  Perhaps tomorrow it will be even closer to my joy.   Today I opened an email from my eldest daughter, mother of my grand kids where she shared this about me:  Two masters degrees, professional, self-made man with financial means who raised two amazing daughters with enough patience and love to help raise two grand-babies...

Today I woke up a couple of times in the middle of the night.  I could feel my partner restless in the bed and the energy of our argument during the early evening looming over me.  Each time I allowed myself to let it go.  I had written him an email about it prior to going to bed with a focus on forgiving and moving on yet what loomed was the reality that there was still some resentments and judgements.  Me judging him for his behaviours or lack of and feeling as though I was being judged.  It seems that at times the relationship is filled with these conditions that impede love rather than allow love to grow and just be.  From this place I asked him how he felt to which he responded: "physically or emotionally?"  I answered with "both" to which he stated that his physical state fine but his emotionally state not so good.  It took a little out of me not to say that the reason he was feeling emotionally unhealed really has nothing to do with me...

Yet again another four in the morning wake up call.  I cannot help wonder why I am up at this very early hour of the day and I might attribute it to the fact that my mind, my body and my emotional self are going through some stress and experiencing some major changes.  In fact  I would say that there are definitely some good reasons why Elliott Maximo Collazo is up at this time.  Even for my husband laying next to me asking me, "why are you up?" seems a bit redundant to me given the fact that the night before I was up every hour on the hour either sweating in pain or both.  Mine is not to question is what comes back to me when I sarcastically respond to my husband, "That's a good question and if I knew the answer to that question I would be doing really well".  Bottom line I am up but this time not sweating, not moaning with pain and not feeling as though parts of my body are disconnected from the others or that my spiritual self is disconnected from my emo...

Before leaving the hospital yesterday in comes a Practioner Nurse.  I was uncertain as to why she was dressed differently and was given that title.  I later figure out that like another one I knew these ladies studied beyond becoming registered nurses and that in some cases you could see them instead of the doctor.  Like doctors they could also prescribe medications.  In this case she was there to remove a tube from my operation that drains blood into it.  As she pullled it out I shared that due to this procedure I would never be normal again to which she responded with, "there will be a new normal". At that moment I reallised how right she was and how my perception of myself being something outside of OK was likely not a healthy one.  I was being asked once more to look at how I was perceiving my body and my life going forward, post cancer removal.  I knew at that very second that it would be helpful if I could look at my life as a new normal rather t...

I don't mean to complain and now that I'm in our beautiful suburban two story home I shouldn't, I even feel like I don't have a right to, but getting up at this time in discomfort and full of sweat on my back feels a bit like a thorn on a rose pricking my finger.  I know I should be more appreciative of the rose yet I want badly to experience only the beauty of the rose: it's shape,, the scent, the colour and the feeling of silk on my face.  I don't really want to hold it tightly or for the rose to hurt me. My life has been a test of accepting the good with the bad, the beautiful with the beastly and the shiny with the rustic.  I want to justify my existence more recently by believing that if I was worthy I would not be in pain at three four thirty in the morning wondering why I had the dream that I just finished having, and I know that the dream has meaning and that the meaning is a message to me, so with that I will share this odd and viv...

As some of you know on Friday I opted to have the colon surgery and I am now a new machine with a bag on the side of my waist called a colonoscopy. I thought long and hard about this decision and each day was a true test of my endurance and possibly of my faith.  As I pondered this decision I could feel my tumour growing and getting more pronounced.  The message started to be clearer to me and that was that I was so do something soon.  I felt each day as though someone was holding me up by my neck with my back up against the wall.  It was an awful and desperate feeling.  And so I will spare you all the ugly details, the pain I have survived and the emotional quest as well.  For now to many details are likely too painful for me to repeat. I still remain of the belief that the surgery was short of barbaric but unfortunately it is what was available to me and in the end I did it.  I cannot go back now and retrieve that parts that were cut out of me and ...

In preparation for the surgery this morning I took antibiotics and drank a gallon of some solution we mixed with water to clean me out.  I was on the potty for over three hours over a four hour span starting at 4pm.  Afterwards I felt exhausted not to mention humbled in a way that eating crow would be an appropriate feeling.  It felt as though I'd been slapped in the face several times, called every name in the book and pushed by the bully in the cafeteria.  You know the feeling.  Well, some of you may be able to relate.  So after all that I ate my jello standing up and then afterwards being prompted by my good friend I laid down.  By this time I was humiliated and dizzy, feeling as though I'd been putt through a ringer and had been beaten down.  A feeling of defeat came over me and as I moaned and cried for a few minutes while my friend rubbed my head and breathed warm air onto my body as if to breath for me.  I was shaking uncontrollably. ...

It is hard to pinpoint how I really feel right now.  I feel like I am composed and unusually calm.  I attribute it to detachment.  I think I am detached from the operation and from the outcome of it.  I think that the reason I am detached is because my soul and my spirit cannot take it.  It may be that I would become on overload if I thought to much about it and so I am trying not to.  As I prepare for the surgery with the drinking of a gallon of solution and antibiotics I am focused just on right here and now.  I don't think I can think beyond this moment nor do I sense it would serve me.  And so doing my best is just being where I am right now and not thinking beyond this moment as my friend serves me another glass of the magic potion that will is suppose to clear me out.  So far, it's not working.  I am praying that it will work soon since I have drunk a half the gallon.  I won't get graphic not to worry. Maybe there is so...

I am not sure what D day means but I think it has something to do with how I feel right now waiting to be operated on.  I am praying that they cut out the cancer but not anything else I might need later.  I am unsure as to my trust level.  Now just a few days before the surgery, Friday to be exact, I am to do fifteen things the day before uncluding drink some solutions that will give me the runs.  After all we would not want the fine doctor lady to deal with anything unpleasant or that has any odor.  It is all too incredible to me.  No supervision at all and lucky for me I have my own built in supervision and am staying overnight with a friend.  There are pills and solutions to drink, hours of prep work that the hospital is unwilling to do.  It is to me all part of the direction that hospitals are going in which is less service and more business.  After all the beds can be occupied by more people if I do my things at home.  Ok, yes you a...

I have spent the last four days with my friend Esther who took very good care of me.  Every detail of nurturing was so touching and thought out I literally cried at times at the overwhelming gratitude in my heart.  I felt like she'd taken such great care of me and that the whole focus was on me.  It was a task to take it all in believe me and in the end it felt wonderful  Homemade soup and almond butter to fatten me up were just two of the many healthy things she served me.  She even made a chicken in the oven that was so tender the meat fell right off the bone.  Delicious ad indeed the kind of thing one does for the holidays.  I felt like she was celebrating our friendship and taking care of me in the special manner she knows how to take care of me. About a couple of hours or so ago I walked into my home.  At first it felt good to be home but soon after I started to miss my friend and all the love offerings.  I warmed up some rice, be...

Yesterday was one of worse experiences of my life.  I had a two hour post operation appointment with NMH and as soon as I walked in I could feel the devil and my spirit sucked into the darkness.  It was like something one could literally slice with a knife.  From the very first person I came into contact with to the last one, from the receptionist to the nurse and then the doctor and last the lab technician.   It went from what I thought would get better to way worse than I'd imagined it would be.  When the nurse came to the waiting room she called me by name, did not say hello and asked me to lead her to the room I would be going to directing me verbally each step of the way never once getting in front of me until I stopped and forced her to lead me.  I of course had no idea where I was headed in the twists and turns of the hallway.  Once there she shared some brief information with me, left the room to get a pillow, threw the pillow on the medical be...

So here we go everyone.  The good the bad and the ugly news.  I will be having the surgery on January 10, about a week from today.  There is a lot going on inside of me around this decision .  In fact I went to an appointment this afternoon with a nurse where she explained the surgery to me and even showed me my lovely colostomy bag.  That means that I will be rerouted from the big intestine to the side of my waist.  I will not know when I will need to relieve myself but if I eat at a certain time every day I will have a good idea as to when the disposal will happen.  Frankly I am surprised that I have found some mild language that all of you might be able to digest.  The fact is that I will no longer be the Elliott I am today in physical form and maybe not my spiritual or emotional form.  How do I feel about that?  I don't know.  In fact, I don't have a clue.  Truthfully,  I am in a place of ...