Mission Count Down
I have spent the last four days with my friend Esther who took very good care of me. Every detail of nurturing was so touching and thought out I literally cried at times at the overwhelming gratitude in my heart. I felt like she'd taken such great care of me and that the whole focus was on me. It was a task to take it all in believe me and in the end it felt wonderful Homemade soup and almond butter to fatten me up were just two of the many healthy things she served me. She even made a chicken in the oven that was so tender the meat fell right off the bone. Delicious ad indeed the kind of thing one does for the holidays. I felt like she was celebrating our friendship and taking care of me in the special manner she knows how to take care of me.
About a couple of hours or so ago I walked into my home. At first it felt good to be home but soon after I started to miss my friend and all the love offerings. I warmed up some rice, beans and left over turkey. I poured a tall glass of water and then went to the tub for my hot sits bath. I am beginning my practice of self care and knowing that only I could take care of Elliott when Elliott is alone as will be the case tomorrow. On the up side I have the distraction of having our furniture delivered. I am hoping that will be a less than crazy adventure as was the first couple of encounters with this company that will remain nameless. Holy cow are they screwed up and boy there is nothing that says customer service about them. I actually think they would not know how to spell it. With that said it will be just another distraction and one that will lead a part of me and my partner to believe we are OK when at times it does not feel that way to me. Given the operation coming up on Friday there is nothing normal going on for me at least. Then there is the inevitable acceptance that life happens and that some things that happen to us suck. This is one of those things. Bad things are going to happen and it is a part of life. Maybe in the end it won't be so bad.
Now five days till the operation I am counting the minutes and the hours that keep ticking like a little bomb waiting to explode. I will drive in with my partner on Wednesday and stay with my friend Esther until Friday when I will go to the chopping board at NMH. A part of me wants to run and a part of me cannot wait. Being this uncomfortable feels pretty bad and yet the thought of more pain, real pain seems like a bit of a negotiation. Either way it is a catch twenty two and it feels like there is nothing I can do about that. Surrender Elliott. I keep hearing that inside of me. Just surrender and let go of the part they will cut out of you. Don't be your body be your spirit I keep hearing. Leave that part of you there and release it to the earth. It is not serving you and you are not suppose to have it. In the longrun I am really have to accept that I am not my body. I am not my body.
And so I grieve that part of my bodyt that the doctor will be taking out of me and throwing away. I will say goodbye to that part that has been bleeding and that part of me that has obstructed me from sitting. It is that part that needs to go and the part of me that I will let go of even as I scratch and scream and kick. I have to be willing to let it go. I am not my body. I am not my body. I am my spirit. I am my soul. I am my heart. I am my joy. I am love. I am God energy. I am not my body.
About a couple of hours or so ago I walked into my home. At first it felt good to be home but soon after I started to miss my friend and all the love offerings. I warmed up some rice, beans and left over turkey. I poured a tall glass of water and then went to the tub for my hot sits bath. I am beginning my practice of self care and knowing that only I could take care of Elliott when Elliott is alone as will be the case tomorrow. On the up side I have the distraction of having our furniture delivered. I am hoping that will be a less than crazy adventure as was the first couple of encounters with this company that will remain nameless. Holy cow are they screwed up and boy there is nothing that says customer service about them. I actually think they would not know how to spell it. With that said it will be just another distraction and one that will lead a part of me and my partner to believe we are OK when at times it does not feel that way to me. Given the operation coming up on Friday there is nothing normal going on for me at least. Then there is the inevitable acceptance that life happens and that some things that happen to us suck. This is one of those things. Bad things are going to happen and it is a part of life. Maybe in the end it won't be so bad.
Now five days till the operation I am counting the minutes and the hours that keep ticking like a little bomb waiting to explode. I will drive in with my partner on Wednesday and stay with my friend Esther until Friday when I will go to the chopping board at NMH. A part of me wants to run and a part of me cannot wait. Being this uncomfortable feels pretty bad and yet the thought of more pain, real pain seems like a bit of a negotiation. Either way it is a catch twenty two and it feels like there is nothing I can do about that. Surrender Elliott. I keep hearing that inside of me. Just surrender and let go of the part they will cut out of you. Don't be your body be your spirit I keep hearing. Leave that part of you there and release it to the earth. It is not serving you and you are not suppose to have it. In the longrun I am really have to accept that I am not my body. I am not my body.
And so I grieve that part of my bodyt that the doctor will be taking out of me and throwing away. I will say goodbye to that part that has been bleeding and that part of me that has obstructed me from sitting. It is that part that needs to go and the part of me that I will let go of even as I scratch and scream and kick. I have to be willing to let it go. I am not my body. I am not my body. I am my spirit. I am my soul. I am my heart. I am my joy. I am love. I am God energy. I am not my body.
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