The Mission is Complicated
Yesterday was one of worse experiences of my life. I had a two hour post operation appointment with NMH and as soon as I walked in I could feel the devil and my spirit sucked into the darkness. It was like something one could literally slice with a knife. From the very first person I came into contact with to the last one, from the receptionist to the nurse and then the doctor and last the lab technician. It went from what I thought would get better to way worse than I'd imagined it would be. When the nurse came to the waiting room she called me by name, did not say hello and asked me to lead her to the room I would be going to directing me verbally each step of the way never once getting in front of me until I stopped and forced her to lead me. I of course had no idea where I was headed in the twists and turns of the hallway. Once there she shared some brief information with me, left the room to get a pillow, threw the pillow on the medical bed and left. The entire time there was not one once of compassion, courtesy never mind love of any kind showing. Instead of judging her now I can feel for her soul. Goddess bless her and bring her to wholeness. That was my prayer for her.
Next the young looking doctor comes in. By this time I am sobbing with music on my ears thanks to iTunes and my friend Esther's Bose earphones. It was a relief to have those tears come forward and there seemed not to be any shame for me. The doctor was unaffected by my tears or by the fact that my friend was rubbing my head. She simply sat and began asking questions one after the other, then checked me out and directed me to give a urine sample at the lab. There was no hello or goodbye or any such courtesy. There was a sense of avoidance and of disconnection. Again, I tried not totake it personally but it did start to stir me up. She like the nurse shared that since I'd had a recent blood transfusion I would need to return for a blood test three days before the surgery or it could be done the same day but may delay the surgery. I barked at her a little at that juncture because it just started to burn me. Now it had been two days in a row that I'd been at doctor's appointments because they could not schedule them on the same day in the same area. Now they were asking me to come back for the third time. It became upsetting and all I could think of was why did they not make the three appointments three days before the surgery and done the blood work knowing fully that I had a blood transfusion. In fact the nurse knew this ahead of time.
Now I am in the lab and getting a third person telling me the same thing. I would need to come in three days before the surgery to get the blood test or " the surgery could be delayed or canceled"and that is when I finally lost it and responded with: " I won't be inconvenienced anymore, I don't care" to which she smirked and said: " I will tell them that ". I have of course not a clue as to who she would tell. Was she saying that she would tell my mommy? At this point every spiritual part of me was gone ad every ego based part was screaming. I wanted to choke her but of course then I would have been the stupid crazy man who flipped out because he has cancer and he just could not control his horrible temper. Never mind that I am Hispanic. What the hell! I did have to check in with my friend just to make sure she was hearing and interpreting what I'd heard and experienced from A to Z. She confirmed it. I was not going crazy all by myself.
So what is my point? I guess aside from wanting to fix people in the service industry and especially health industry I just want to know where is the compassion? Where is the love? Where is the common courtesy? What just happened to me? Why did it happen to me? Should I be worried for myself and others? What does this health system need? Why are five people who work in the same environment so completely shut down emotionally and professionally? How can we make this better? My heart is so broken from that experience that I just have trouble understanding it. I want to know why. I want to fix it. I want to affirm that this is the reason people run to places like OHI. This is the experience that leads people to go somewhere and die. This is the kind of darkness and void that causes people to feel helpless maybe suicidal. This should never happen but it does. This is what I want to live my life around and this is the focus of the rest of my life. This will be my teacher. The nurse, the receptionist, the technician and the doctor, all my teachers. All people who I will learn from rather than to be angry at. This my friends was not about Elliott Collazo. This my friends was about a system that needs to be healed. This was about a group of people working in a place where instead of serving they are surviving. This is not about the patients or their illnesses. This is about what is missing in our health care. This is about finding God in myself and not trying to find him inside others. This is about seeing god in them and knowing that I am as flawed as they are and that when I don't show up emotionally that I am doing exactly what they did to me. They are my teachers. They are the essence of what needs to be learned in me.
I have quoted Don Miguel Ruiz and I will do so again and again. In his book The Four Agreements he shares, "don't take anything personally" I hear his statement and I live by it right here and now. What these folks said or did was not personal. None of it belonged to me and I am not going to take it in. In fact I am going to allow god to perform surgery on me and not worry about who says what and why. Again, I don't need to know everything and really I don't know anything anyway.
I forgive me and I forgive them. I forgive my judgements of them. I forgive my notion to want to fix them and think they need to be fixed but rather allow god to fix them if they in fact need it. I won't carry this with me tonight like I did last night at three in the morning. I won't wake up scared or insecure or feel like it is my fault that they treated me without love. I will count my blessings for now and be in gratitude for all of the people around me who show up lovingly and kindly. I send my blessings to each of the people I experienced yesterday. God will heal them if in fact they need healing. It is not up to me. I will not take on that responsibility because it does not belong to me. I am not the fixer nor am I the saviour. I am healing every day in every way. I am healing because each of you is praying and goddess has laid her hands on me. They are my teachers and I want to end this by saying: thank you spirit mother father god. Thank you for the lesson.
Next the young looking doctor comes in. By this time I am sobbing with music on my ears thanks to iTunes and my friend Esther's Bose earphones. It was a relief to have those tears come forward and there seemed not to be any shame for me. The doctor was unaffected by my tears or by the fact that my friend was rubbing my head. She simply sat and began asking questions one after the other, then checked me out and directed me to give a urine sample at the lab. There was no hello or goodbye or any such courtesy. There was a sense of avoidance and of disconnection. Again, I tried not totake it personally but it did start to stir me up. She like the nurse shared that since I'd had a recent blood transfusion I would need to return for a blood test three days before the surgery or it could be done the same day but may delay the surgery. I barked at her a little at that juncture because it just started to burn me. Now it had been two days in a row that I'd been at doctor's appointments because they could not schedule them on the same day in the same area. Now they were asking me to come back for the third time. It became upsetting and all I could think of was why did they not make the three appointments three days before the surgery and done the blood work knowing fully that I had a blood transfusion. In fact the nurse knew this ahead of time.
Now I am in the lab and getting a third person telling me the same thing. I would need to come in three days before the surgery to get the blood test or " the surgery could be delayed or canceled"and that is when I finally lost it and responded with: " I won't be inconvenienced anymore, I don't care" to which she smirked and said: " I will tell them that ". I have of course not a clue as to who she would tell. Was she saying that she would tell my mommy? At this point every spiritual part of me was gone ad every ego based part was screaming. I wanted to choke her but of course then I would have been the stupid crazy man who flipped out because he has cancer and he just could not control his horrible temper. Never mind that I am Hispanic. What the hell! I did have to check in with my friend just to make sure she was hearing and interpreting what I'd heard and experienced from A to Z. She confirmed it. I was not going crazy all by myself.
So what is my point? I guess aside from wanting to fix people in the service industry and especially health industry I just want to know where is the compassion? Where is the love? Where is the common courtesy? What just happened to me? Why did it happen to me? Should I be worried for myself and others? What does this health system need? Why are five people who work in the same environment so completely shut down emotionally and professionally? How can we make this better? My heart is so broken from that experience that I just have trouble understanding it. I want to know why. I want to fix it. I want to affirm that this is the reason people run to places like OHI. This is the experience that leads people to go somewhere and die. This is the kind of darkness and void that causes people to feel helpless maybe suicidal. This should never happen but it does. This is what I want to live my life around and this is the focus of the rest of my life. This will be my teacher. The nurse, the receptionist, the technician and the doctor, all my teachers. All people who I will learn from rather than to be angry at. This my friends was not about Elliott Collazo. This my friends was about a system that needs to be healed. This was about a group of people working in a place where instead of serving they are surviving. This is not about the patients or their illnesses. This is about what is missing in our health care. This is about finding God in myself and not trying to find him inside others. This is about seeing god in them and knowing that I am as flawed as they are and that when I don't show up emotionally that I am doing exactly what they did to me. They are my teachers. They are the essence of what needs to be learned in me.
I have quoted Don Miguel Ruiz and I will do so again and again. In his book The Four Agreements he shares, "don't take anything personally" I hear his statement and I live by it right here and now. What these folks said or did was not personal. None of it belonged to me and I am not going to take it in. In fact I am going to allow god to perform surgery on me and not worry about who says what and why. Again, I don't need to know everything and really I don't know anything anyway.
I forgive me and I forgive them. I forgive my judgements of them. I forgive my notion to want to fix them and think they need to be fixed but rather allow god to fix them if they in fact need it. I won't carry this with me tonight like I did last night at three in the morning. I won't wake up scared or insecure or feel like it is my fault that they treated me without love. I will count my blessings for now and be in gratitude for all of the people around me who show up lovingly and kindly. I send my blessings to each of the people I experienced yesterday. God will heal them if in fact they need healing. It is not up to me. I will not take on that responsibility because it does not belong to me. I am not the fixer nor am I the saviour. I am healing every day in every way. I am healing because each of you is praying and goddess has laid her hands on me. They are my teachers and I want to end this by saying: thank you spirit mother father god. Thank you for the lesson.
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