One Day at a Time
I know that in AA there is a motto and that motto is to take "one day at time". It sounds logical and it makes a lot of sense to me. I only wish it were that easily implemented in my life. How do I live my life just one day at a time when I am concerned about my state of physical being and I have so little energy? How do I just not think about tomorrow and the fact that I have a doctor's appointment and the accumulation of bills that the insurance may not pay? How do I live my life just today? How do we live that way and is it possible? In the end the answer is that I must live it one day at a time if I am to survive and thrive. I cannot think about the future or live in the past. I cannot think about what could of been or what could be. I have to live in the here and now because it seems to be the only way for me to live.
Today I woke up in a similar state from yesterday and the day before. I had one good day last week and it seems it came and went quite rapidly. Today I got up determined to live it a little differently from yesterday, not in front the TV all day long and eating and sleeping. It is just too mundane a way to be all day and so today I have decided to sit on one hip on the stool in the kitchen and do my best to share my feelings with all of you. At least I am not laying down for the fifteenth day in a row. I have decided purposely to sit as best I can and to allow myself some form of what feels normal. I am in deep appreciation for my husband and the lady friend who is staying with us, both busy working in the home cleaning and making sure the environment is comfortable and I have eaten well. Still my inner person wants to bust out and help them and the small feelings of guilt are setting in. No enough to move my ass but sufficient to recall my dysfunctional catholic background, left behind me a long time ago. When I look around I just thank God someone is doing the work and that I am not obsessing over doing it.
Where am I at you might ask? I am stable I would say. I feel OK and sometimes I can even be in the moment. As I listen to the vacuum cleaner hoping that work will be completed soon I keep myself here at the iPad writing my thoughts however mundane they may be. I know I have a long way to go both physically and emotionally to heal. I am anxious at times wanting this all to become more normal and asking for my normal energy to return if that is possible. I kind of stay tired and now even the noises of household tools kind of bother me (yes, the vacuum cleaner being one of them). Yet above and beyond the annoying sounds the piano music playing on Pandora soothes me and the sun coming into the house feels warm and lovely. The more I realize that my life is what it is in the moment and the more I am OK with that, the better I feel. I go from resistance to some form of joy and I feel much better knowing that this may pass, some of it being temporary. I can ask myself if it will truly pass and I can ask if I will ever be another form of normal but the truth is that nothing is going to change the state of my being here and now. I am where I am.
I have to be honest and say that I am reassessing my relationships with others, family and friends alike. Without feeling like a victim I feel like I am the one who reaches out the most to others and that in turn I become resentful when they don't reach back and when they do it is so infrequent. There have been two cancellations by people who were going to come and visit me. I asked for what I wanted and in one instance I felt shamed for asking. So now I am attempting to find the balance between asking and my expectation that others will respond to my needs. I have to be OK with people not responding and I have to be OK with people not being able to respond. I also have to be OK with reassessing relationships and deciding if I want to continue to place so much of my energy in getting people to hear me or respond in a way that I deem loving. I have to decide what to do with the energy that I am keeping inside of me because others are not being attentive in my opinion. I have to understand that love is something people decide to give when they are ready and willing and not when I am ready and need it. It is a tough one for me to learn. I am so filled with the past rejections and the past abuse and the past neglecting of my person. I feel it most when others don't contact me or when I am the one again to make that initial contact over and over again. I have to find a balance and I have to find it now. I cannot take others inability to communicate with me and turn it into a personal attack on my spirit. I have to know that what I have at home and in my immediate family is enough and that people have their own drama and stuff going on. I cannot see this cancer as an excuse to be upset with myself or others not matter how they show up in my life.
So again I will end this with some gratitude. I am grateful for my daughter Camille and her mom Luz Maria who took very good care of me over the weekend. I received so much love, affection and service it was too numerous to mention each and every thing they did for me. Them just being here with me lighted up my life and my joy meter was different. My granddaughter came along as well and her smile alone lights up my entire home. What a blessed weekend it was. Now my husband is home along with our friend who is helping us and I get to sit and be waited on as though I am a king. I feel honored that they are both so willing to do all the housework for now until I get better and am able to do it. I am surrounded by love and people who are present at every moment, asking me what I need. A lot of love from goddess source that is for sure.
What is the lesson I can leave you all with? Be in gratitude and see what you do have as abundance. Don't worry about what you don't have. If there are people in your life who are not as responsive and connected as you would like, don't keep seeking their approval and don't judge them, just allow them to be who they are in your life and know that some things will shift in your life because there needs to be room for the new. Take every day in stride and live it fully if at all possible, thinking less about what happened or what will happen. Let it all flow just for now and in the present moment, enjoying that time you have right now. See the good in others and in your life. No matter what is going on with you have the faith that you will be restored to a new form of good. While you are on your journey don't think about the people who are not there but rather the ones who are. Be completely present for yourself and don't hold the expectation that others will be present for you in your time line but rather understand that each of us shows up as we are and with the gifts we have to offer and some of us are having trouble showing up for ourselves, never mind for others. Don't judge yourself or others so readily and remember all the times you could not face someone or something in your life. Life is life and normal is relative. Live it in the now and the best way you know how to live it. Thank you for your prayers and your love.
El Maximo
Today I woke up in a similar state from yesterday and the day before. I had one good day last week and it seems it came and went quite rapidly. Today I got up determined to live it a little differently from yesterday, not in front the TV all day long and eating and sleeping. It is just too mundane a way to be all day and so today I have decided to sit on one hip on the stool in the kitchen and do my best to share my feelings with all of you. At least I am not laying down for the fifteenth day in a row. I have decided purposely to sit as best I can and to allow myself some form of what feels normal. I am in deep appreciation for my husband and the lady friend who is staying with us, both busy working in the home cleaning and making sure the environment is comfortable and I have eaten well. Still my inner person wants to bust out and help them and the small feelings of guilt are setting in. No enough to move my ass but sufficient to recall my dysfunctional catholic background, left behind me a long time ago. When I look around I just thank God someone is doing the work and that I am not obsessing over doing it.
Where am I at you might ask? I am stable I would say. I feel OK and sometimes I can even be in the moment. As I listen to the vacuum cleaner hoping that work will be completed soon I keep myself here at the iPad writing my thoughts however mundane they may be. I know I have a long way to go both physically and emotionally to heal. I am anxious at times wanting this all to become more normal and asking for my normal energy to return if that is possible. I kind of stay tired and now even the noises of household tools kind of bother me (yes, the vacuum cleaner being one of them). Yet above and beyond the annoying sounds the piano music playing on Pandora soothes me and the sun coming into the house feels warm and lovely. The more I realize that my life is what it is in the moment and the more I am OK with that, the better I feel. I go from resistance to some form of joy and I feel much better knowing that this may pass, some of it being temporary. I can ask myself if it will truly pass and I can ask if I will ever be another form of normal but the truth is that nothing is going to change the state of my being here and now. I am where I am.
I have to be honest and say that I am reassessing my relationships with others, family and friends alike. Without feeling like a victim I feel like I am the one who reaches out the most to others and that in turn I become resentful when they don't reach back and when they do it is so infrequent. There have been two cancellations by people who were going to come and visit me. I asked for what I wanted and in one instance I felt shamed for asking. So now I am attempting to find the balance between asking and my expectation that others will respond to my needs. I have to be OK with people not responding and I have to be OK with people not being able to respond. I also have to be OK with reassessing relationships and deciding if I want to continue to place so much of my energy in getting people to hear me or respond in a way that I deem loving. I have to decide what to do with the energy that I am keeping inside of me because others are not being attentive in my opinion. I have to understand that love is something people decide to give when they are ready and willing and not when I am ready and need it. It is a tough one for me to learn. I am so filled with the past rejections and the past abuse and the past neglecting of my person. I feel it most when others don't contact me or when I am the one again to make that initial contact over and over again. I have to find a balance and I have to find it now. I cannot take others inability to communicate with me and turn it into a personal attack on my spirit. I have to know that what I have at home and in my immediate family is enough and that people have their own drama and stuff going on. I cannot see this cancer as an excuse to be upset with myself or others not matter how they show up in my life.
So again I will end this with some gratitude. I am grateful for my daughter Camille and her mom Luz Maria who took very good care of me over the weekend. I received so much love, affection and service it was too numerous to mention each and every thing they did for me. Them just being here with me lighted up my life and my joy meter was different. My granddaughter came along as well and her smile alone lights up my entire home. What a blessed weekend it was. Now my husband is home along with our friend who is helping us and I get to sit and be waited on as though I am a king. I feel honored that they are both so willing to do all the housework for now until I get better and am able to do it. I am surrounded by love and people who are present at every moment, asking me what I need. A lot of love from goddess source that is for sure.
What is the lesson I can leave you all with? Be in gratitude and see what you do have as abundance. Don't worry about what you don't have. If there are people in your life who are not as responsive and connected as you would like, don't keep seeking their approval and don't judge them, just allow them to be who they are in your life and know that some things will shift in your life because there needs to be room for the new. Take every day in stride and live it fully if at all possible, thinking less about what happened or what will happen. Let it all flow just for now and in the present moment, enjoying that time you have right now. See the good in others and in your life. No matter what is going on with you have the faith that you will be restored to a new form of good. While you are on your journey don't think about the people who are not there but rather the ones who are. Be completely present for yourself and don't hold the expectation that others will be present for you in your time line but rather understand that each of us shows up as we are and with the gifts we have to offer and some of us are having trouble showing up for ourselves, never mind for others. Don't judge yourself or others so readily and remember all the times you could not face someone or something in your life. Life is life and normal is relative. Live it in the now and the best way you know how to live it. Thank you for your prayers and your love.
El Maximo
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