One More Day To Go
It is hard to pinpoint how I really feel right now. I feel like I am composed and unusually calm. I attribute it to detachment. I think I am detached from the operation and from the outcome of it. I think that the reason I am detached is because my soul and my spirit cannot take it. It may be that I would become on overload if I thought to much about it and so I am trying not to. As I prepare for the surgery with the drinking of a gallon of solution and antibiotics I am focused just on right here and now. I don't think I can think beyond this moment nor do I sense it would serve me. And so doing my best is just being where I am right now and not thinking beyond this moment as my friend serves me another glass of the magic potion that will is suppose to clear me out. So far, it's not working. I am praying that it will work soon since I have drunk a half the gallon. I won't get graphic not to worry.
Maybe there is something to be said about detachment because the second part of that feeling for me is the detaching from my body that I have been talking about for a long time. I did not want to part with any parts of my body and I'd hoped that I would not have to but in reality I think I am being asked to say goodbye to the cancerous portions and embrace my new configuration, the way my body is going to look. To the naked eye no one will see a different Elliott on the outside but I will likely feel like I am different. I don't know how I will say goodbye but I am hoping that I will find a way to do it that is compassionate and without judgement of myself or anyone else. So I wills start by saying goodbye now to my cancerous parts of my body that have served me to come to an awareness about my life and maybe about what I stand for or what I will stand for. Thank you to that part of me that has demonstrated pain and has shown me to perhaps be more appreciative of what I do have in my life that is not cancerous and not eating away at me.
As I look out of my friend's condo in the Montgomery on Superior I see the city lights and the cars passing to the expressway I know life continues whether I want it to or not, whether I am in agreement with all of it or not. Whether I am happy or not. People are frustrated, some are getting out of work right now, some are in back to back traffic and some are crying because someone they loved died. Some are joyfully laughing and some are dancing alone in their underwear. And then there is me waiting and hoping that I can get through this part of the process with some dignity and hopefully with some humour. I am so far not laughing but I am holding out the hope that when something is funny I will laugh. When I come into life awareness and full appreciation I will feel the joy and I will laugh out loud. When it is my time I will know it. For now I will wait with a sense of knowing and appreciation for what I have. This warm room, my friend, the city lights and the fact that I am still standing.
Maybe there is something to be said about detachment because the second part of that feeling for me is the detaching from my body that I have been talking about for a long time. I did not want to part with any parts of my body and I'd hoped that I would not have to but in reality I think I am being asked to say goodbye to the cancerous portions and embrace my new configuration, the way my body is going to look. To the naked eye no one will see a different Elliott on the outside but I will likely feel like I am different. I don't know how I will say goodbye but I am hoping that I will find a way to do it that is compassionate and without judgement of myself or anyone else. So I wills start by saying goodbye now to my cancerous parts of my body that have served me to come to an awareness about my life and maybe about what I stand for or what I will stand for. Thank you to that part of me that has demonstrated pain and has shown me to perhaps be more appreciative of what I do have in my life that is not cancerous and not eating away at me.
As I look out of my friend's condo in the Montgomery on Superior I see the city lights and the cars passing to the expressway I know life continues whether I want it to or not, whether I am in agreement with all of it or not. Whether I am happy or not. People are frustrated, some are getting out of work right now, some are in back to back traffic and some are crying because someone they loved died. Some are joyfully laughing and some are dancing alone in their underwear. And then there is me waiting and hoping that I can get through this part of the process with some dignity and hopefully with some humour. I am so far not laughing but I am holding out the hope that when something is funny I will laugh. When I come into life awareness and full appreciation I will feel the joy and I will laugh out loud. When it is my time I will know it. For now I will wait with a sense of knowing and appreciation for what I have. This warm room, my friend, the city lights and the fact that I am still standing.
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