Mission Get Ready
So here we go everyone. The good the bad and the ugly news. I will be having the surgery on January 10, about a week from today. There is a lot going on inside of me around this decision . In fact I went to an appointment this afternoon with a nurse where she explained the surgery to me and even showed me my lovely colostomy bag. That means that I will be rerouted from the big intestine to the side of my waist. I will not know when I will need to relieve myself but if I eat at a certain time every day I will have a good idea as to when the disposal will happen. Frankly I am surprised that I have found some mild language that all of you might be able to digest. The fact is that I will no longer be the Elliott I am today in physical form and maybe not my spiritual or emotional form. How do I feel about that? I don't know. In fact, I don't have a clue. Truthfully, I am in a place of not wanting to know every detail because maybe if I did I would run to John of God and ask him to please cut me and cure me. I want to be angry but what I know is that I am better off not becoming angry or at least not too upset. There must be a perfect amount of angry but I am not sure where that would be on a scale of 1-100.
Here I am on the eleventh floor of the Montgomery with my friend Esther who invited me to stay with her for a few days. It's as much of a posh city environment as one could by surrounded by five million dollar homes and townhouses in the Gold Coast. I was invited for six days but I settled on five because Monday the furniture is being delivered to our new home. If I don't make that exciting then I won't have something to deter me from feeling sorry for Elliott. Even if I am going to be cut and snipped I will still have new furniture at home to admire while I cry and laugh and hopefully sometimes dance. After all I am not having my legs cut off and I can still teach salsa dance. It all seems like a bit of a bad joke hence the bad part of this blog. My bad jokes. So I am under this incredible blanket with my friend next to me watching "Breaking Bad"I am as comfortable and away from any form of stress as is possible. She has made homemade chicken soup, apples with almond butter turkey sandwiches and fresh juice. She has put me on a mission to look for dining chairs and bar stools for her condo knowing fully that this would entertain me and give me a purpose. Underneath these covers I am wearing tan linen pajamas and my body feels like I am in heaven, at least for now. To be here with my friend is a gift and being pampered like this is incredibly healing. I like to think I deserve this but the truth is that I don't and that it is a gift. I have a client who I told, "you deserve that"to which she responded with "I don't feel like I deserve anything". Before her comment I thought there must be something I did deserve but now I realize at the very core of it that I really don't deserve anything. Everything I have is a gift. Everything in fact is a gift, including this time with my best friend who is as we speak cleaning the bathroom for me, as if it were not clean enough.
I would say right here and now that feel relieved to know that there is nothing urgent in my life and that I won't have to do any housework, cook or even worry about balancing my check book. I think that is a gift in itself and I am loving it. I am going to take these few days until Sunday afternoon to allow myself to shut it all off and not think of anything except being and breathing. I can sit around, sleep, write or simply drink a lot of water, which my friend is serving up consistently. My intention is ride the wave and enjoy this time for all it is. My hope is that it will provide me some clarity of thought and that when I walk into that hospital I will know for sure that it is time. For now I will take what I can get and run in the direction of the light.
Everyone I know is praying for me. Everyone is lifting me up emotionally. The emails, texts and calls have helped. My spirtual part wants to be cured and I want to believe that before Jan. 10 I will be a healthy Elliott and that the doctor will come back to me and tell me that she was able to cut it out without rerouting my intestines. Everyone who loves me is maybe thinking the same thing and everyone wants me to be well. I am breathing better because everyone out there is sending me light and love. I don't deserve it but I am surely in deep gratitude for it. What else can I say.
Here I am on the eleventh floor of the Montgomery with my friend Esther who invited me to stay with her for a few days. It's as much of a posh city environment as one could by surrounded by five million dollar homes and townhouses in the Gold Coast. I was invited for six days but I settled on five because Monday the furniture is being delivered to our new home. If I don't make that exciting then I won't have something to deter me from feeling sorry for Elliott. Even if I am going to be cut and snipped I will still have new furniture at home to admire while I cry and laugh and hopefully sometimes dance. After all I am not having my legs cut off and I can still teach salsa dance. It all seems like a bit of a bad joke hence the bad part of this blog. My bad jokes. So I am under this incredible blanket with my friend next to me watching "Breaking Bad"I am as comfortable and away from any form of stress as is possible. She has made homemade chicken soup, apples with almond butter turkey sandwiches and fresh juice. She has put me on a mission to look for dining chairs and bar stools for her condo knowing fully that this would entertain me and give me a purpose. Underneath these covers I am wearing tan linen pajamas and my body feels like I am in heaven, at least for now. To be here with my friend is a gift and being pampered like this is incredibly healing. I like to think I deserve this but the truth is that I don't and that it is a gift. I have a client who I told, "you deserve that"to which she responded with "I don't feel like I deserve anything". Before her comment I thought there must be something I did deserve but now I realize at the very core of it that I really don't deserve anything. Everything I have is a gift. Everything in fact is a gift, including this time with my best friend who is as we speak cleaning the bathroom for me, as if it were not clean enough.
I would say right here and now that feel relieved to know that there is nothing urgent in my life and that I won't have to do any housework, cook or even worry about balancing my check book. I think that is a gift in itself and I am loving it. I am going to take these few days until Sunday afternoon to allow myself to shut it all off and not think of anything except being and breathing. I can sit around, sleep, write or simply drink a lot of water, which my friend is serving up consistently. My intention is ride the wave and enjoy this time for all it is. My hope is that it will provide me some clarity of thought and that when I walk into that hospital I will know for sure that it is time. For now I will take what I can get and run in the direction of the light.
Everyone I know is praying for me. Everyone is lifting me up emotionally. The emails, texts and calls have helped. My spirtual part wants to be cured and I want to believe that before Jan. 10 I will be a healthy Elliott and that the doctor will come back to me and tell me that she was able to cut it out without rerouting my intestines. Everyone who loves me is maybe thinking the same thing and everyone wants me to be well. I am breathing better because everyone out there is sending me light and love. I don't deserve it but I am surely in deep gratitude for it. What else can I say.
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