Four Days Till D Day
I am not sure what D day means but I think it has something to do with how I feel right now waiting to be operated on. I am praying that they cut out the cancer but not anything else I might need later. I am unsure as to my trust level. Now just a few days before the surgery, Friday to be exact, I am to do fifteen things the day before uncluding drink some solutions that will give me the runs. After all we would not want the fine doctor lady to deal with anything unpleasant or that has any odor. It is all too incredible to me. No supervision at all and lucky for me I have my own built in supervision and am staying overnight with a friend. There are pills and solutions to drink, hours of prep work that the hospital is unwilling to do. It is to me all part of the direction that hospitals are going in which is less service and more business. After all the beds can be occupied by more people if I do my things at home. Ok, yes you are hearing some sarcasm. Yes there is some resentment and yes a little anger too. I am so OK with that. I am even OK with saying what I need to say and letting it out and then letting it go. I have to be. I don't have any other choice and life is going to hand us some stuff we cannot imagine. This is another one of mine. Another lesson in the long list of lessons that I have been trying to learn all my life. Maybe the lesson is to be self sufficient. Maybe the lesson is to be tolerant. Perhaps the lesson is to stand for what I believe in? I am unsure of it but the enery left inside of me tells me I should surrender. Just give in to the process and the procedure and hope for the best. That seems like all I can do and all that I am willing to do. Surrender to the process. Have the cancer cut out of me and pray it works. Pray that I will not be my friend Debbbie who has been fighting it for ten years with radiation and chemo and and and... I cannot imagine that battle. I just can't look that far ahead. I just cannot because if I do I will fall down. I am not sure why but I just don't have it in me.
Today I was up at four thirty bloated from all the food I ate. I am constantly hungry and am underweight by at least twenty pounds. I had soup, rice and beans, turkey, health bar, pretzels, milk, water, bread, and some chocolate. It was ridiculous the amount of food I ate. Then this morning of course I had some lovely experiences on the potty. What can I say. I am trying to eat myself to the joy part but it is not working. So today the plan is to eat more moderately and to eat less and to eat more healthy. Today is today and yesterday is gone. I can start anew and that will be my intent. I will be more mindful of what I eat and drink a lot of water and stay in bed. I will count every blessing instead of filling myself up with more food. I will take what I have in energy and use it to nurture Elliott. I won't eat my emotions away and I won't deny that I am scared to death. I will face my demons instead of eating them up. That is my intention today.
Emotionally I am quite shut down. Maybe you haven't noticed but let me be clear in saying that my emotions feel numb. I feel angry. I feel alone. I feel lost. I feel resentful. I feel abandoned. I feel upset most of the time. Well, maybe only part of the time. My emotions are everywhere and now that I am rethinking this they are far from shut down. Maybe it would be more accurate to say they are flying all over the room and flying in every direction. That would be more like what is going on with me right now. I feel everything and most of all I am without faith. I feel faithless. I feel like I just don't believe. I feel like this is going to turn out badly. I feel a lack of faith and lots of fear. Sitting alone here in my home in the silence I feel alone and lonely. I yearn for a call from that person who will say something magical to me and lift me off the floor. I am feeling so needy and wanting someone to just save me from me. What I know is that in all this emotion there is nothing more vital than feeling it and letting it be. I don't want to continue to deny it. I am not that strong. I am not that balanced. I am not that empowered. I am not operating with a full amount of faith or love or power. In fact I feel powerless. I feel like there is nothing I can do to change the outcome and I am closer to letting it be what it is. I am done trying to control things. I am done denying my fear. I am done trying to appear like I am strong. I am so done.
So the television is on our dresser with the cable box and the horses head and hte wires everywhere looking at me. And the windows are uncovered exposing me to the sun. The pillows are on the floor and the towel around me exposes my very thin body. I see all of the imperfections in my life before me and I don't want to fix them. I see the table in the wrong place in the hallway and the curtains in the other rooms are too long. I see that my suitcase is not unpacked and my shoes are under the bench near the door. I see all kinds of imperfection. I have worked so hard to make that part of my life perfect or at least close to it. I am humbled by the fact that if I address these things I will be in more pain and will suffer some consequences and so it is all there looking at me and saying that it is OK not to be so perfect and that making my environment beautiful really is not a priority and that making it a priority is what got me here. Making my home look pretty and making myself look pretty was once my focus and now God has made it so that the only thing I can do is focus on Elliott. When I look in the mirror I see a skeleton like figure. I see this old man and that too has been my persoanl message. Don't get attached to this body Elliott. It does not belong to you. Don't feel like you need to look beautiful or handsome or together. It is not what matters. Be ready for God Elliott and don't worry about any of these outer things. Focus on the inside of yourself and get in touch with the emotions that you stuffed down for years. Wake up Elliott. Wake up! That is the real message.
So now that I have succesfully ranted and thrown up on all of you I feel it appropriate to apologize but also to forgive myself. I am after all human and whether I am a life coach or a dad I am not a super hero and I am not void of being just like you, human and vulnerable. The reality is that life has handed me some good stuff. What will happen as a result of my being handed this good stuff? I have no idea. Again, I am OK with not having any clue. I don't need to know, I don't want to know and I don't think I can control the outcome. All I need to do is get through this day and nurture myself in the absence of anyone being there to do it for me. This is the true test. This is the time for me. This is the test to pass. It is the test of living here and now, just being present and not pretending for one moment that I am not injurred and in need of healing. This is my time to believe that no matter what happens I am going to be exactly where I need to be and exactly where Goddess wants me to be at exactly the time I am suppose to be there. I can feel the fear, I can feel the lonliness, I can feel the shame, I can feel the resentment and I can feel the pain. I don't need to lie about it. I don't need to conceal it. I don't need to sugar coat it. In fact I won't.
My highest good will come from staying awake to all of this. My highest serenity will come to me when I am ready and willing to allow myself to receive it. My highest state will come from nurturing Eliott and saying yes to his needs. My vibration will rise up when I meditate and pray. My good will come when I am willing to surrender. My highest good will come from being willing to stay close to my heart place and access what I need. I can do this and I don't have to do it alone. And so once again I ask for your prayer and healing energy. I ask for your compassion. I ask for you to send me that brand of love in the amount that you have it. And for now I will be in gratitude for the bed I am on, the warm home, the food I have in my fridge, the daughters who love me and the freinds who care. Thank you my beloved family and friends, thank you from the depth of me. I cannot express how much your love means to me. And now I will ponder my lunch menu.
Today I was up at four thirty bloated from all the food I ate. I am constantly hungry and am underweight by at least twenty pounds. I had soup, rice and beans, turkey, health bar, pretzels, milk, water, bread, and some chocolate. It was ridiculous the amount of food I ate. Then this morning of course I had some lovely experiences on the potty. What can I say. I am trying to eat myself to the joy part but it is not working. So today the plan is to eat more moderately and to eat less and to eat more healthy. Today is today and yesterday is gone. I can start anew and that will be my intent. I will be more mindful of what I eat and drink a lot of water and stay in bed. I will count every blessing instead of filling myself up with more food. I will take what I have in energy and use it to nurture Elliott. I won't eat my emotions away and I won't deny that I am scared to death. I will face my demons instead of eating them up. That is my intention today.
Emotionally I am quite shut down. Maybe you haven't noticed but let me be clear in saying that my emotions feel numb. I feel angry. I feel alone. I feel lost. I feel resentful. I feel abandoned. I feel upset most of the time. Well, maybe only part of the time. My emotions are everywhere and now that I am rethinking this they are far from shut down. Maybe it would be more accurate to say they are flying all over the room and flying in every direction. That would be more like what is going on with me right now. I feel everything and most of all I am without faith. I feel faithless. I feel like I just don't believe. I feel like this is going to turn out badly. I feel a lack of faith and lots of fear. Sitting alone here in my home in the silence I feel alone and lonely. I yearn for a call from that person who will say something magical to me and lift me off the floor. I am feeling so needy and wanting someone to just save me from me. What I know is that in all this emotion there is nothing more vital than feeling it and letting it be. I don't want to continue to deny it. I am not that strong. I am not that balanced. I am not that empowered. I am not operating with a full amount of faith or love or power. In fact I feel powerless. I feel like there is nothing I can do to change the outcome and I am closer to letting it be what it is. I am done trying to control things. I am done denying my fear. I am done trying to appear like I am strong. I am so done.
So the television is on our dresser with the cable box and the horses head and hte wires everywhere looking at me. And the windows are uncovered exposing me to the sun. The pillows are on the floor and the towel around me exposes my very thin body. I see all of the imperfections in my life before me and I don't want to fix them. I see the table in the wrong place in the hallway and the curtains in the other rooms are too long. I see that my suitcase is not unpacked and my shoes are under the bench near the door. I see all kinds of imperfection. I have worked so hard to make that part of my life perfect or at least close to it. I am humbled by the fact that if I address these things I will be in more pain and will suffer some consequences and so it is all there looking at me and saying that it is OK not to be so perfect and that making my environment beautiful really is not a priority and that making it a priority is what got me here. Making my home look pretty and making myself look pretty was once my focus and now God has made it so that the only thing I can do is focus on Elliott. When I look in the mirror I see a skeleton like figure. I see this old man and that too has been my persoanl message. Don't get attached to this body Elliott. It does not belong to you. Don't feel like you need to look beautiful or handsome or together. It is not what matters. Be ready for God Elliott and don't worry about any of these outer things. Focus on the inside of yourself and get in touch with the emotions that you stuffed down for years. Wake up Elliott. Wake up! That is the real message.
So now that I have succesfully ranted and thrown up on all of you I feel it appropriate to apologize but also to forgive myself. I am after all human and whether I am a life coach or a dad I am not a super hero and I am not void of being just like you, human and vulnerable. The reality is that life has handed me some good stuff. What will happen as a result of my being handed this good stuff? I have no idea. Again, I am OK with not having any clue. I don't need to know, I don't want to know and I don't think I can control the outcome. All I need to do is get through this day and nurture myself in the absence of anyone being there to do it for me. This is the true test. This is the time for me. This is the test to pass. It is the test of living here and now, just being present and not pretending for one moment that I am not injurred and in need of healing. This is my time to believe that no matter what happens I am going to be exactly where I need to be and exactly where Goddess wants me to be at exactly the time I am suppose to be there. I can feel the fear, I can feel the lonliness, I can feel the shame, I can feel the resentment and I can feel the pain. I don't need to lie about it. I don't need to conceal it. I don't need to sugar coat it. In fact I won't.
My highest good will come from staying awake to all of this. My highest serenity will come to me when I am ready and willing to allow myself to receive it. My highest state will come from nurturing Eliott and saying yes to his needs. My vibration will rise up when I meditate and pray. My good will come when I am willing to surrender. My highest good will come from being willing to stay close to my heart place and access what I need. I can do this and I don't have to do it alone. And so once again I ask for your prayer and healing energy. I ask for your compassion. I ask for you to send me that brand of love in the amount that you have it. And for now I will be in gratitude for the bed I am on, the warm home, the food I have in my fridge, the daughters who love me and the freinds who care. Thank you my beloved family and friends, thank you from the depth of me. I cannot express how much your love means to me. And now I will ponder my lunch menu.
Thank you for sharing your truth, Papa. Holding the light for you.
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