Status for the Day

I got up early today thinking about the possibility of getting a pedicure in the morning before I had to be at my doctor's appointment.  I actually woke up with a little extra pep in my step and a lot of gratitude.  I was even grateful to get up at a friend's home who made me coffee before he left to work.  As it turned out I got to the nail salon for my pedicure at ten in the morning just before I had to be at the plastic surgeon's office to have him check his handy work.  I am still not healed and there is still some "drainage" but it looks like I am well on my way to healing.  Still the limitations are that I cannot sit, take a bath in a tub or drive a car.  Even though that seems frustrating I am OK with it and would rather be safe than sorry.  Emotionally it is a separate journey for me, trying to accept my limits and the fact that I am not "normal".  In fact I will never be normal again.  I would like to say that I don't care but there is a part of me that does.  The pedicure is my way of getting myself to feel more like the Elliott that I was before.  Yesterday the haircut and the eye brow threading was another way to feel more like myself.  All three things were symbolic for me of the fact that no matter what life goes on and I can live it with my brows wildly pasted to my face and my hair going in every direction, my feet aching or I could do things that help me to feel like I love me and that I am still worth the effort.  Hence I am doing whatever possible to ensure that my inner Elliott feels nurtured and loved in every way possible, adding prayers and meditation to that loving thyself formula.  

Yesterday after my shower and with meditation music in the background I suddenly felt a surge of emotion.  Once again I broke down sobbing and again it was beyond my control.  I cried because I could see that the body in the mirror looked like a little boy who is starving in some place in Asia or a poor kid in Florida that is as skinny as to worry others.  I only caught a little glance of myself, stitches still in place, glimmering from the metal material they are made of.  I only saw myself for a few seconds and I had to look away because looking for a long time is just not possible.  Even then it is hurtful for me to see a person who I don't know or maybe a person I don't want to know because it is too painful.  Who is that man in the mirror who is almost sixty years old and his skin flapping about?  Who is that person in the mirror if not me?  When I am  unsure I cry and I don't accept that image of that man in the mirror.  I pretend he is someone else and not me.  Then I sob because it is as if there is nothing left but to let it out and grieve him.  I think every time I see him I get closer to letting him go.  I cannot be sure when or if the other Elliott will come back or if the Elliott that comes back will be new one but in the meantime I sense I must mourn him.  That Elliott has to die for the new one to be born I think, although I am not sure.  From 180 pounds with muscles all around he is  now 150 pounds of vulnerable and mostly weak.  Sure my ego comes into play.  Sure my mind wants to see another persona in the mirror, the healthier more handsome one.  Sure I am sad that he has left without saying goodbye along with a few parts that were disposed of.  I am working on that and know that this is my work to do.  No one can do it for me although I sure wish that were the case.  

This Elliott he walks slower but with more purpose.  This Elliott talks less and listens more.  The new Elliott cries a lot and is humbled when he drops to his knees.  He is the person who appreciates everyone and everything that embraces, nurtures and loves him.  He sheds tears now not only for himself but for mankind.  The new Elliott seems to be more appreciative and less judgemental.  He values life a lot more and knows that now each day is a chance to redeem himself.  I may walk slower, talk softer and eliminate differently but what I hold onto is that I am god's kid.  I am still god's kid.  I am god's child and I do matter.  As long as I am breathing I want to make a difference.  

So what is the message to those of you who take the time to read about this journey of mine?  Don't wait until something like this happens to you to connect with the messages your body is already sending to your mind, your body and your spirit.  Take the time to look at your body and ask yourself what you could be doing to nurture it more.  Cry when you need to cry and grieve the person or entity you must release and that you know needs to be let go of.  Take responsibility for your care and ask for what you need.  Follow your own thoughts and not that of others.  Don't be harsh or judgemental of yourself or others.  Instead give yourself a pass when you need one and give others the same pass.  Don't expect but rather see each kindness of others as a little gift, however small or large.  Savor this moment because maybe it is closer to the last one than you might think.  Use the time to think about love and life rather than to be stuck in the rut of life.  See every person and every situation as your teacher and mentor, a lesson to learn.  Climb up a tree or under crawl under your bed if that is what you feel you need to do, without apologizing and without asking for others approval.  No matter how serious you think your life situation is, understand that there are others in the world who have it much worse and are missing the simple things like a meal.  Find something good in everything and everyone and don't blame and shame anyone because you think they are not awakened or attentive or alive enough.  Live this moment fully and if it means getting your toe nails  painted red then for goodness sakes do it!  

Thank you my beloved friends and family.  I would really like to hear your comments so go to the end of each blog where, click on no comments/comments, write one and click publish.  I could use that feedback to heal if you take the time to do this.  Thank you for all your positive energy, prayers and love.  I especially want to thank my husband Cary, my daughters Camille and Taina and my pastor Kevin.  These people have truly inspired me to want to live fully and become more of the warrior that Goddess intended me to be.  It is my hope that they know how much I love them.  

Coach Elliott Maximo