A NEW DREAM A NEW NORMAL

Before leaving the hospital yesterday in comes a Practioner Nurse.  I was uncertain as to why she was dressed differently and was given that title.  I later figure out that like another one I knew these ladies studied beyond becoming registered nurses and that in some cases you could see them instead of the doctor.  Like doctors they could also prescribe medications.  In this case she was there to remove a tube from my operation that drains blood into it.  As she pullled it out I shared that due to this procedure I would never be normal again to which she responded with, "there will be a new normal". At that moment I reallised how right she was and how my perception of myself being something outside of OK was likely not a healthy one.  I was being asked once more to look at how I was perceiving my body and my life going forward, post cancer removal.  I knew at that very second that it would be helpful if I could look at my life as a new normal rather than something abnormal or not normal.  I could look at my life as damaged and my body as flawed forever or I could look at my life as a new configuration that does not have to be "normal", after all what is normal anyway?

I have lived a long time and during my life I have strived to not be like everyone else after a lot of pain and self rejection.  It took me years to figure out that being gay was my normal for example and that being Hispanic was not something to explain to others so that they would feel comfortable or like me.  Little by little and experience atop another experience I have come to know that the Elliott inside and the Elliott outside is beautiful, worthy and whole.  The secret life that I lived became so painful as to out me and force me to be honest, sharing with others that I was and am a gay  man.  Being married for ten years was a wonderful experience yet it created another layer of acceptance and another layer of work.  Now It was not only that I was a gay Hispanic man but also a gay father.  How would I ever explain this to my small children and how would I explain it to God?  What would my life be like now that this was my new normal?  The thing I recall most was that I decided to give myself permission to come out to family and friends and at no time ever feel like I as asking for permsission or a approval, in fact I recall saying things like: "I am not asking for your permission or approval".  My expectation was that they would accept me as I was and they did.

So now I have a new dream and in that dream I don't control anyone and don't have expectations of anyone but rather hold myself accountable for being as much in my joy and wholeness as possible.  My new dream asks that I take what I thought was normal and dispose of that for now developing a new kind of normal thoughts and behaviours that will love me and be OK with all the parts of me that are.  My new dream is about new experiences and having them with the body that I have now versus the body that I was holding onto and the parts of me that I was holding tightly.  It seems odd but holding on so tightly has worn me out!  My new dream is a visual of my hands open with a butterfly in the center of them that represents my new life.  If that butterfly is to live I will not hold it down but rather allow it to flutter and fly and even go elsewhere and return when it is time.