Forgiveness, Compassion, Conditions, Love
Today I woke up a couple of times in the middle of the night. I could feel my partner restless in the bed and the energy of our argument during the early evening looming over me. Each time I allowed myself to let it go. I had written him an email about it prior to going to bed with a focus on forgiving and moving on yet what loomed was the reality that there was still some resentments and judgements. Me judging him for his behaviours or lack of and feeling as though I was being judged. It seems that at times the relationship is filled with these conditions that impede love rather than allow love to grow and just be. From this place I asked him how he felt to which he responded: "physically or emotionally?" I answered with "both" to which he stated that his physical state fine but his emotionally state not so good. It took a little out of me not to say that the reason he was feeling emotionally unhealed really has nothing to do with me or at least is not the primary reason for his state of being. In fact none of us can heal from conflict without first looking inside and figuring out what we need to apply some consciousness or love to. Try as we may to blame others for our lack of joy it will always come back to us.
Forgiveness is a funny thing because we almost always think that forgiving the other person is the key to opening our heart completely. To my way of thinking this is the furthest thing from the truth and what I experienced in life is that self forgiveness is a larger solution and will heal us at a much deeper level, but when you go that route (self) that requires us to acknowledge that we did do something wrong and that we need to ask ourselves what that action was and then forgive our self for that behaviour. Some of us are not capable of that and some of us are not ready for that. Where the healing begins is with us and starting with a self forgiving statement and thought is the clearest path to healing. Then we can more clearly forgive the other person who we deem has hurt us without judging them and without conditions.
Compassion is not something we learn but rather something we feel. It is either natural for us to feel compassion for another person or not. We either grow up to believe that compassion is weakness and excuses others and that we need to apply tough love instead or we know compassion to be a form of love and a part of forgiving. Compassion is something that is tangible and real and it is our actions that are telling of our compassion for others but if we are busy building an emotional wall compassion is the last thing we can feel for others or for ourselves. There is a difference between feeling compassion for ourselves and feeling sorry for ourselves. The latter is not productive and keeps us stuck and in a victim mode of thinking and doing. Compassion requires us to come out of our own selfish box and become present for others around us in need. It requires us to be awake and taking note of what people are experiencing around us. It asks us to sing to the person who is crying and maybe to feel what they are feeling, joining them in the tears. Our most sacred form of knowing compassion is when our children are hurt and we cry for them or with them. It is the raw form of this feeling that will heal us and heal them. We cannot feel compassion when we are feeling and setting up conditions for love.
Having conditions for living like a clean home is one thing. Having conditions for how we do our work at work seems logical. Having conditions around what we feel is acceptable language makes sense. Having too many conditions for loving and treating others with respect is likely going to lead us to a place of disappointment. It is when we start a thought with I will love you if you or I would love her is she would, that we get our self into emotional places that can go so far as to be abusive. When we hold back love we have obviously indicated to others that we have some conditions that were not met and that we will love them if they change something or meet our demands. Conditions for love are likely going to lead to trouble because those conditions may be unreasonable or unfair and many times are. I would love my husband more if he would do more housework is a thought that indicates we will hold back love if he does not do the housework. I would love my husband if he would not drop the F bomb so often tells us that there is really something inside of us that has a void that needs to be filled because in the long run it is not about the f word it is about our capacity to take the good with the bad and to reveal acceptance for the other positive things that our loved one represents. Conditions are constricting and they are a trigger for others. Conditions make others feel that they have to earn our love when in fact they should not have to. Many times when things are not going as you would like with your partner it is the conditions that you may want to look at and determine if those conditions are helpful, harmful or unreasonable.
Love is never having to say I am sorry? I doubt that. I think love is more about forgiveness and acceptance. I think love is really more about leaving your ego in the drawer and living a life of compassion towards others and the ones you love. Love doesn't need so many conditions but rather lots of compassion and a forgiving nature.
Forgiveness is a funny thing because we almost always think that forgiving the other person is the key to opening our heart completely. To my way of thinking this is the furthest thing from the truth and what I experienced in life is that self forgiveness is a larger solution and will heal us at a much deeper level, but when you go that route (self) that requires us to acknowledge that we did do something wrong and that we need to ask ourselves what that action was and then forgive our self for that behaviour. Some of us are not capable of that and some of us are not ready for that. Where the healing begins is with us and starting with a self forgiving statement and thought is the clearest path to healing. Then we can more clearly forgive the other person who we deem has hurt us without judging them and without conditions.
Compassion is not something we learn but rather something we feel. It is either natural for us to feel compassion for another person or not. We either grow up to believe that compassion is weakness and excuses others and that we need to apply tough love instead or we know compassion to be a form of love and a part of forgiving. Compassion is something that is tangible and real and it is our actions that are telling of our compassion for others but if we are busy building an emotional wall compassion is the last thing we can feel for others or for ourselves. There is a difference between feeling compassion for ourselves and feeling sorry for ourselves. The latter is not productive and keeps us stuck and in a victim mode of thinking and doing. Compassion requires us to come out of our own selfish box and become present for others around us in need. It requires us to be awake and taking note of what people are experiencing around us. It asks us to sing to the person who is crying and maybe to feel what they are feeling, joining them in the tears. Our most sacred form of knowing compassion is when our children are hurt and we cry for them or with them. It is the raw form of this feeling that will heal us and heal them. We cannot feel compassion when we are feeling and setting up conditions for love.
Having conditions for living like a clean home is one thing. Having conditions for how we do our work at work seems logical. Having conditions around what we feel is acceptable language makes sense. Having too many conditions for loving and treating others with respect is likely going to lead us to a place of disappointment. It is when we start a thought with I will love you if you or I would love her is she would, that we get our self into emotional places that can go so far as to be abusive. When we hold back love we have obviously indicated to others that we have some conditions that were not met and that we will love them if they change something or meet our demands. Conditions for love are likely going to lead to trouble because those conditions may be unreasonable or unfair and many times are. I would love my husband more if he would do more housework is a thought that indicates we will hold back love if he does not do the housework. I would love my husband if he would not drop the F bomb so often tells us that there is really something inside of us that has a void that needs to be filled because in the long run it is not about the f word it is about our capacity to take the good with the bad and to reveal acceptance for the other positive things that our loved one represents. Conditions are constricting and they are a trigger for others. Conditions make others feel that they have to earn our love when in fact they should not have to. Many times when things are not going as you would like with your partner it is the conditions that you may want to look at and determine if those conditions are helpful, harmful or unreasonable.
Love is never having to say I am sorry? I doubt that. I think love is more about forgiveness and acceptance. I think love is really more about leaving your ego in the drawer and living a life of compassion towards others and the ones you love. Love doesn't need so many conditions but rather lots of compassion and a forgiving nature.
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