Up at Four Thirty AM
I don't mean to complain and now that I'm in our beautiful suburban two story home I shouldn't, I even feel like I don't have a right to, but getting up at this time in discomfort and full of sweat on my back feels a bit like a thorn on a rose pricking my finger. I know I should be more appreciative of the rose yet I want badly to experience only the beauty of the rose: it's shape,, the scent, the colour and the feeling of silk on my face. I don't really want to hold it tightly or for the rose to hurt me.
My life has been a test of accepting the good with the bad, the beautiful with the beastly and the shiny with the rustic. I want to justify my existence more recently by believing that if I was worthy I would not be in pain at three four thirty in the morning wondering why I had the dream that I just finished having, and I know that the dream has meaning and that the meaning is a message to me, so with that I will share this odd and vivid dream.
The dream takes place in a school. As has occurred before I simply drift into the school and walk about witnessing my surroundings and all that is happening around me. Eventually I find myself in a gym where there is suppose to be some sort of physical activity or so one would presume. Instead there are men carrying young ladies from a spa room with masks on their face and their feet in a spa bucket and carefully placing them down again preparing them for a meditation class. This alone feels odd to me given the situation but also because there are men interacting in a way that felt intimate with females who looked to be high school students. I observed this and while I observed it I thought that there should be someone reporting this to the authorities.
Just as I prepared to leave the room and find someone to report this to hear a boy say to a teacher: "mom you are not suppose to eat in class" to which I repeated: "yes, you are not suppose to eat in class"and thought, this is not suppose to be going on in this school. I continued my tour when suddenly a man approached me and said that it was perfectly fine for her to eat in class. I felt a little embarrassed and walked away with a sense of this person who was eating in class was in authority. I questioned myself and thought, " I should mind my own business". A little later as I ate in the cafeteria a woman accross the room gave me a dirty look. Sbe then started to complain about me and how I had written her a note about eating in class sighting me for thinking I could tell her what to do. At that moment I felt angry because she lied. I had not in fact written her a note and as I prepared the steam to tell everyone it seemed like every person in the room was looking at me and nodding. I felt like I was on exhibit and that I had done something short of a crime. At this point before I could even get the words out of my mouth I woke up.
This dream seemed to reinforce for me that I am not here as the keeper of good or the enforcer of the rules. Too many times I have found myself wanting to reprimand a bad waiter or someone who I deem is doing something wrong or inappropriate. I not only want to correct them I want them to know they have been corrected and that what they are doing is bad. Part of my experience in the hospital was a series of visiting and pondering what was being done wrong and wondering why they did not fix it. Why would it take forty five minutes to get my sheets changed? Who was in charge of getting the loud visitor to be quiet at one in the morning and why did they not make him shut up? Why did six people have to see my scars in back and in front of my body as a pulled down my underwear? This is what the teacher eating in class in my dream represented for me. She and others were a constant message that I am not here to fix anyone, things are not always going to go smoothly and that life hands you some lemons and you better know what to do with them. Situations that I encontered were clearly a message that I needed to accept the good with the bad, the dark pieces of life and the light ones. In the end it was all about learning to focus on the good and look at the bad things as experiences that I get to walk away from. I don't have to correct anyone, I don't have to fix them and I don't need to allow these happenings to alter my own serenity. I can observe it and I can accept it and then I can find something more pleasant to put my energy into.
My life has been a test of accepting the good with the bad, the beautiful with the beastly and the shiny with the rustic. I want to justify my existence more recently by believing that if I was worthy I would not be in pain at three four thirty in the morning wondering why I had the dream that I just finished having, and I know that the dream has meaning and that the meaning is a message to me, so with that I will share this odd and vivid dream.
The dream takes place in a school. As has occurred before I simply drift into the school and walk about witnessing my surroundings and all that is happening around me. Eventually I find myself in a gym where there is suppose to be some sort of physical activity or so one would presume. Instead there are men carrying young ladies from a spa room with masks on their face and their feet in a spa bucket and carefully placing them down again preparing them for a meditation class. This alone feels odd to me given the situation but also because there are men interacting in a way that felt intimate with females who looked to be high school students. I observed this and while I observed it I thought that there should be someone reporting this to the authorities.
Just as I prepared to leave the room and find someone to report this to hear a boy say to a teacher: "mom you are not suppose to eat in class" to which I repeated: "yes, you are not suppose to eat in class"and thought, this is not suppose to be going on in this school. I continued my tour when suddenly a man approached me and said that it was perfectly fine for her to eat in class. I felt a little embarrassed and walked away with a sense of this person who was eating in class was in authority. I questioned myself and thought, " I should mind my own business". A little later as I ate in the cafeteria a woman accross the room gave me a dirty look. Sbe then started to complain about me and how I had written her a note about eating in class sighting me for thinking I could tell her what to do. At that moment I felt angry because she lied. I had not in fact written her a note and as I prepared the steam to tell everyone it seemed like every person in the room was looking at me and nodding. I felt like I was on exhibit and that I had done something short of a crime. At this point before I could even get the words out of my mouth I woke up.
This dream seemed to reinforce for me that I am not here as the keeper of good or the enforcer of the rules. Too many times I have found myself wanting to reprimand a bad waiter or someone who I deem is doing something wrong or inappropriate. I not only want to correct them I want them to know they have been corrected and that what they are doing is bad. Part of my experience in the hospital was a series of visiting and pondering what was being done wrong and wondering why they did not fix it. Why would it take forty five minutes to get my sheets changed? Who was in charge of getting the loud visitor to be quiet at one in the morning and why did they not make him shut up? Why did six people have to see my scars in back and in front of my body as a pulled down my underwear? This is what the teacher eating in class in my dream represented for me. She and others were a constant message that I am not here to fix anyone, things are not always going to go smoothly and that life hands you some lemons and you better know what to do with them. Situations that I encontered were clearly a message that I needed to accept the good with the bad, the dark pieces of life and the light ones. In the end it was all about learning to focus on the good and look at the bad things as experiences that I get to walk away from. I don't have to correct anyone, I don't have to fix them and I don't need to allow these happenings to alter my own serenity. I can observe it and I can accept it and then I can find something more pleasant to put my energy into.
Comments
Post a Comment