Remembering Matt Sheppard
Matt Sheppard was a gay young man who died in a way no one should die. He died because he was gay and even to this day there is a battle being fought and gay men being beat up. They call this a hate crime now and it has a larger legal penalty allegedly.
Today I am writing about Matt because like many gay men I sometimes worry about what could happen to me for being openly gay. Although I don't announce it to strangers there are clues at times to others that make them hostile towards me. Recently I wore a tunic top for men, now in fashion with jeans and as I walked out of my car to my friend's home a car passed by and yelled "fag" at me. There were at least four men in the car. I was startled and at the same time felt shamed. What was this about and what did I do? I thought about this for a few seconds as if it were my fault they yelled a slur remark at me. I soon recovered from it because I knew it was not my situation to own or be shamed about. Still it was hard to swallow that pill and wonder what could have happened to me had it been late at night.
Matt Sheppard was rape by several men with objects when he was a teen in Arabia. His parents had moved there in order for their children to experience the culture. Matt often referred to this time as the best in his life because he made so many friends in boarding school. Yet it was at that time that he was raped.
Eventually a group of "men" caught him walking down the street, grabbed him, tied him to the truck they were driving and then tied him to a fence a beat him some more. He was almost dead when he was finally discovered. He died in the hospital after being in a coma for some time. It was for me one of the most tragic incidents I'd ever heard of. I was terrified. Matt was a tiny young man who could have easily been overcome by one large person never mind more than one. It soon became evident that Matt had been killed for being gay. The sadness of this situation still makes me wonder how much longer we must endure this awful hate of gay people.
After Matt there has been a couple of beatings involving gay men, one of which posted his picture on FB. The degree of this beating made me write a letter to Washington as requested on the post. My heart stopped and one of the things that came to my mind was sadness. I cried for him even though I never met him. It hurt me to the core to know this was still happening.
I recall now a story about a friend of my daughters that was her age. She and her daughter went to her dad's home. Apparently a short argument ensued and the father killed his daughter and his granchild. That night I cried for two people I did not know. My heart was so hurt and I could only think about how my own child and grandchild meant to me, how much I loved them and love them today. How could a man kill his children? It was beyond my understanding. The part that I will never forget was when my X partner looked at me and said "you did not even know them" and went back to sleep. It was for me the defining moment in my already bad relationship with someone I loved but did not like.
When Matt Sheppard was killed some of the people I know did not blink once or for a moment including the man I was in bed with each night. I felt ashamed of myself and I still feel like I wish I would of spoke up sooner in my own life and about me. I wished I'd defended myself from an abusive person that had almost no feelings inside about mankind but would cry because he'd failed a test in school and did not want his mommy to know. I felt ashamed of myself for being a part of these people who could not feel compassion and see that what happened to Matt was a message to all of us.
Today I cried after remembering Matt. I cried for my spirit when it was not aware of how cruel I was being treated by people who were suppose to love me. By a man who was suppose to love me. By a man who was self-hating and homophobic with a family who pretended he was not gay and that I was not there. When Matt's best friend hosted his documentary she interviewed a priest who she asked "Do you see any good in the men who killed Matt?" She responded with trembling and crying. It was not what she wanted to hear and the priest was very compassionate even aplogizing.
No one should have do die like that and no gay man should be shamed like I was. I know God can hear me and I want to say I forgive every person who has attempted to hurt or hurt me deeply. I want to thank each of the people who attempted to bring me down because in the end I refuse to die and in fact want to live even longer to prove to myself that love heals my soul. That love will heal me in the end. That God is powerful and that karma is related to what we do.
Today I am writing about Matt because like many gay men I sometimes worry about what could happen to me for being openly gay. Although I don't announce it to strangers there are clues at times to others that make them hostile towards me. Recently I wore a tunic top for men, now in fashion with jeans and as I walked out of my car to my friend's home a car passed by and yelled "fag" at me. There were at least four men in the car. I was startled and at the same time felt shamed. What was this about and what did I do? I thought about this for a few seconds as if it were my fault they yelled a slur remark at me. I soon recovered from it because I knew it was not my situation to own or be shamed about. Still it was hard to swallow that pill and wonder what could have happened to me had it been late at night.
Matt Sheppard was rape by several men with objects when he was a teen in Arabia. His parents had moved there in order for their children to experience the culture. Matt often referred to this time as the best in his life because he made so many friends in boarding school. Yet it was at that time that he was raped.
Eventually a group of "men" caught him walking down the street, grabbed him, tied him to the truck they were driving and then tied him to a fence a beat him some more. He was almost dead when he was finally discovered. He died in the hospital after being in a coma for some time. It was for me one of the most tragic incidents I'd ever heard of. I was terrified. Matt was a tiny young man who could have easily been overcome by one large person never mind more than one. It soon became evident that Matt had been killed for being gay. The sadness of this situation still makes me wonder how much longer we must endure this awful hate of gay people.
After Matt there has been a couple of beatings involving gay men, one of which posted his picture on FB. The degree of this beating made me write a letter to Washington as requested on the post. My heart stopped and one of the things that came to my mind was sadness. I cried for him even though I never met him. It hurt me to the core to know this was still happening.
I recall now a story about a friend of my daughters that was her age. She and her daughter went to her dad's home. Apparently a short argument ensued and the father killed his daughter and his granchild. That night I cried for two people I did not know. My heart was so hurt and I could only think about how my own child and grandchild meant to me, how much I loved them and love them today. How could a man kill his children? It was beyond my understanding. The part that I will never forget was when my X partner looked at me and said "you did not even know them" and went back to sleep. It was for me the defining moment in my already bad relationship with someone I loved but did not like.
When Matt Sheppard was killed some of the people I know did not blink once or for a moment including the man I was in bed with each night. I felt ashamed of myself and I still feel like I wish I would of spoke up sooner in my own life and about me. I wished I'd defended myself from an abusive person that had almost no feelings inside about mankind but would cry because he'd failed a test in school and did not want his mommy to know. I felt ashamed of myself for being a part of these people who could not feel compassion and see that what happened to Matt was a message to all of us.
Today I cried after remembering Matt. I cried for my spirit when it was not aware of how cruel I was being treated by people who were suppose to love me. By a man who was suppose to love me. By a man who was self-hating and homophobic with a family who pretended he was not gay and that I was not there. When Matt's best friend hosted his documentary she interviewed a priest who she asked "Do you see any good in the men who killed Matt?" She responded with trembling and crying. It was not what she wanted to hear and the priest was very compassionate even aplogizing.
No one should have do die like that and no gay man should be shamed like I was. I know God can hear me and I want to say I forgive every person who has attempted to hurt or hurt me deeply. I want to thank each of the people who attempted to bring me down because in the end I refuse to die and in fact want to live even longer to prove to myself that love heals my soul. That love will heal me in the end. That God is powerful and that karma is related to what we do.
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