Friendshop Phobia
Today I had a friend come and visit for a couple of hours from Santa Monica. I had not seen her for years and it was so great to see her. We went to eat in Wicker Park at Feast, a place that does a great egg sandwich. We shared our deepest thoughts about life and where we were both at. It was too short for me but it was nevertheless wonderful to see her and I feel such gratitude that over all these years we are still willing to invest in each other, communicating as though we had never been separated all this time.
One of the subjects that kept coming up was friendship and how difficult it can be to get others to connect and how often people are so unresponsive when we reach out. Both of us pondered the reasons why in our own wise ways at our seasoned time in life, both of us showing some gray hairs. I have long thought that like any intimate relationship friendship requires some work on our part and a willingness to commit to another person we call "friend". Yet a lot of us don't have it in us to make this kind of commitment and do the work required. We are still back in elementary school with this notion that everyone who is around us and the kids that sit closest to us in class are our best friends, simply because they are there. We did not have to do any work nor did we know we needed to.
I especially love going to a crowded party of 50 people or more and the host being told how wonderful it is to have so many friends that love you by someone who believes that friends are people who come to your party. That criteria is a lot like us claiming to be friends with the people we take the train to work with. It is easily one of the most frustrating things that we can experience because we want to badly for people to like us and some of us work so hard for others to like us. Either way we should not be trying to win friends or make up stories about how popular we are or others are because they have 58 people at their birthday party.
Like a lot of you I have known people for years who say how much they love me and who rarely take the time to call me, connect with me or ask me out on a date. Some of them will see me at some event and introduce me as a "good friend" and I being human have to think them a bit delusional. Still there is a part of me that knows that I too have been guilty of the same introductions with people I rarely connect with if I am not careful and check in with myself.
So what is a good friend and who in our lives are really friends? I think they are the ones who you can knock on their door any time and they would actually let you in when you are in your darkest moment. I also think they are the people who check in with you more often than once a year or just on holidays. They are communicating their love to you via letters, cards, calls and dates. A friend is someone who cultivates that friendship with you and that stays connected. A friend is someone you have shared a history with and whom you have confided in, told the truth to and shared your sorrow and your joy with. He or she actually talks to you regularly and will not run in the other direction over something minor or major but will talk through it with you.
What is it that people are scared of? Intimacy! In to me see! In to me you can see! The fear that you will discover their flaws and that you will run and hide from them. The fear that you will see them more closely inside and figure out you don't like them anymore. The fear that he or she will have to do some work in the relationship and be responsible to give back something. And then there is laziness. The unwillingness to give and to contribute time or money or emotions.
One of my true blue friends pointed out to me that we can be "cheap with our emotions and cheap with our love" and this truly brought up some truths for me. We are cheap with our giving of love and emotions and some of us have learned to dole it out as if it were going to cost us something. We cannot be in love and be cheap with our emotions whether it is our family, friends or partners. I think we are "cheap with our emotions" because we think we are going to be hurt and rather than to risk it we keep our love in a box where we think it is safe. The reality is that we are not investing in ourselves or others, ultimately nothing unfolds.
One of the subjects that kept coming up was friendship and how difficult it can be to get others to connect and how often people are so unresponsive when we reach out. Both of us pondered the reasons why in our own wise ways at our seasoned time in life, both of us showing some gray hairs. I have long thought that like any intimate relationship friendship requires some work on our part and a willingness to commit to another person we call "friend". Yet a lot of us don't have it in us to make this kind of commitment and do the work required. We are still back in elementary school with this notion that everyone who is around us and the kids that sit closest to us in class are our best friends, simply because they are there. We did not have to do any work nor did we know we needed to.
I especially love going to a crowded party of 50 people or more and the host being told how wonderful it is to have so many friends that love you by someone who believes that friends are people who come to your party. That criteria is a lot like us claiming to be friends with the people we take the train to work with. It is easily one of the most frustrating things that we can experience because we want to badly for people to like us and some of us work so hard for others to like us. Either way we should not be trying to win friends or make up stories about how popular we are or others are because they have 58 people at their birthday party.
Like a lot of you I have known people for years who say how much they love me and who rarely take the time to call me, connect with me or ask me out on a date. Some of them will see me at some event and introduce me as a "good friend" and I being human have to think them a bit delusional. Still there is a part of me that knows that I too have been guilty of the same introductions with people I rarely connect with if I am not careful and check in with myself.
So what is a good friend and who in our lives are really friends? I think they are the ones who you can knock on their door any time and they would actually let you in when you are in your darkest moment. I also think they are the people who check in with you more often than once a year or just on holidays. They are communicating their love to you via letters, cards, calls and dates. A friend is someone who cultivates that friendship with you and that stays connected. A friend is someone you have shared a history with and whom you have confided in, told the truth to and shared your sorrow and your joy with. He or she actually talks to you regularly and will not run in the other direction over something minor or major but will talk through it with you.
What is it that people are scared of? Intimacy! In to me see! In to me you can see! The fear that you will discover their flaws and that you will run and hide from them. The fear that you will see them more closely inside and figure out you don't like them anymore. The fear that he or she will have to do some work in the relationship and be responsible to give back something. And then there is laziness. The unwillingness to give and to contribute time or money or emotions.
One of my true blue friends pointed out to me that we can be "cheap with our emotions and cheap with our love" and this truly brought up some truths for me. We are cheap with our giving of love and emotions and some of us have learned to dole it out as if it were going to cost us something. We cannot be in love and be cheap with our emotions whether it is our family, friends or partners. I think we are "cheap with our emotions" because we think we are going to be hurt and rather than to risk it we keep our love in a box where we think it is safe. The reality is that we are not investing in ourselves or others, ultimately nothing unfolds.
Comments
Post a Comment